[whatsherface]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years in May. Our relationship has always been somewhat of a struggle excluding about the first two weeks of dating. After that, he started being controlling, and mean. He would call me worthless. He didn't have a phone, and I had just graduated, so I was still living with my parents, And, had just gotten my first job.

I went to Wal-mart one day after work with a family friend, and when I got home, I called him back, and he was mad and told me "you shouldn't be going out, you should be at home waiting for me to call you." I was just like OK. Another time, my parents were having a barbecue, and he called me and asked who all was there, and I told him (there was a few guys there. Friends of my dad) then he asked what I was wearing which was a tank top, and baggy gym shorts, and he told me I needed to go in and change, because I shouldn't be wearing stuff like that unless he's there.

Then in July he moved in with me, because he got a job closer to where I lived than where he did. It was OK for a while, but then, I started missing my friends. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, or talk to anyone really, unless he was there. He would still call me worthless, slut, whore, *****... stuff like that. I didn't care about being called a *****, but I hated being called a whore, and a slut, because I'm not.

I finally got fed up and tried to run out the door, but he caught me before I got there. And, we talked, and after that things were perfect. This was in October. In November, we moved out into a place of our own. After only about a month, I noticed he was acting kind of weird. He was gone a lot and didn't really want anything to do with me. I found out in January from a friend that he was cheating on me with a girl that her ex boyfriend knew. When I asked him about it, he denied it. I didn't get the proof I needed until February. By that time, we had found out that I was pregnant. Well, I called the girl and let her know, because he was just telling her that we were broken up, but I was living with him because I had nowhere else to go. SO she broke up with him, then he was trying to get back with me, but also with her at the same time. I asked him what he wanted one night, and he said he didn't know. So I was just like **** this. I'm not playing this game. I packed my stuff and left.

We were apart for about a month. He broke up with her because she was talking to other guys, but he was cheating on her with me the whole time. (he's pretty retarded, I know) We got back together in March of 08, and had my daughter in June. When we got back together he had told me that he was going to be friends with his ex, the girl he dated before he met me, because she had recently tried to commit suicide over him, and if I couldn't deal with that, we couldn't be together. So, I accepted. I'm stupid I know.

Well, in June while I'm in the hospital room after giving birth to my daughter she announced she was pregnant. My friend who was also in the room asked me later if I thought it was Richie's and I said I didn't really know but I didn't think so. I knew he was cheating on me again, but I was so stupid and naïve that I didn't think it was with her. But, come to find out, in November she texted me that the baby was his, and blah blah blah. All the stuff he was telling her, he was basically telling me. But, he was telling her that he couldn't leave me because of our baby and w/e.

Well, two years later we are still together. I tried to leave yet again, and he begged me to stay, so we are still together. I'm so unhappy due to the cheating, and he is so controlling it pisses me off. Last night I went to a friends who lives in the same building. She invited me to eat dinner with her, the guy she likes: Ezra, and Ezra's cousin Christian, and her son. She just lives upstairs. I had hair extensions in, and had my hair fixed in a ponytail with a bouffant or w/e on top. After Ezra, and Christian and her son left, we were just sitting there. My head started to hurt, and itch from the extensions, so I took them out. I knew right away I shouldn't have done that because if I leave with my hair one way, and come back with one hair out of place, he freaks out. SO I put them back in, but braided it instead. Sure enough, as soon as I got home he says "Why is your hair different?" So, I told him. He says "Did you cheat on me?" I said "With who? There was 3 girls and one guy and two babies..."

I am just so tired of this. I feel like he owes me a little more than he thinks just because of everything that's happened. What I mean is, I just feel like I deserve to be treated a little better. I'M not the one who cheated. I NEVER have. I don't believe in that. But, I'm a stay at home mom to our two kids, because my daughter has some medical problems that require her to have Physical, Occupational, and Physical therapy on Wed, Thurs, Fri. And every other thurs she also has in home therapy, and I don't really know who is going to have flexible enough hours for me.

I've applied at places, with no luck. I'm to a point where I'm tired of dealing with all his ****, but I don't know how I can leave when I have no job, no where to go, and pretty much no car (our family car doesn't have my name on the title, and he keeps making excuses for why we can't go to get that done). What should I do?

[aConfused1]

I'm new here - and not a certifiable expert on anything. But I do have an opinion.

My girlfriend cheated on me too. I took her back because my love for her is so strong.
We don't have any children together. That sure would put a wrench in the current gear.

Looking at your post though...

Re-read it. Try to read it with an outsider's perspective. Remove your emotions from the situation and I think you'll know what your best option is.

More specifically, I'm afraid that if you don't leave this guy your question of "...how I can" and "...how I'll make it" might turn into a situation of "you can't leave" and "you won't make it".

Your guy sounds pretty abusive. These types usually only get worse with age and time.
Do you really want to be with someone like that?

[whatsherface]

I think I do know what I need to do. It's just very scary, because of the situation. Also, because he and I both came from broken homes, and I never wanted that for my children. My stepfather was abusive. His father was abusive, and his second wife was abusive. My stepmother played favorites with her own children. And, I don't want my children to go through what we did.
I don't trust him to be particularly choosy when he decides to date someone else. I've already told myself that if we break up, I'm going to try not to date at all because any person can pretend to be someone they are not.
He isn't physically abusive. And, when we get into arguments, I'll admit that I've called him names and said not so nice things to him. I just have so much anger and resentment towards him because I gave him everything and wanted nothing but to be with him and be happy with him and make him happy, and he decides that these other girls were more important than me. I still want to try to make it work, I just don't see it happening. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be as happy with him as I used to be again.

[ken007nielsen]

Oh dear, you should have ended this relationship 2-3 weeks in. Now you're a stay at home mom with 2 kids and a abussive husbond.

What you need to do is to get away from him as fast as possible with any means at your disposal. This guy treat's you like garbage no scratch that less than garbage and you just take it? When he then crosses your line and your leaving he spends a couple hours saying he's sorry and you then forgive him and he can start his crap all over again.

You sound like a smart girl, don't take this crap from anyone - dump him and get away from him, I couldent imagine living with a guy(girl in my case) like that!

[whatsherface]

As, I said before, he isn't physically abusive. And, he doesn't call me names anymore. I'm just not happy, and I think it's because I can't seem to get over his cheating.
Another thing I forgot to mention was that he doesn't help with the housework at all. I know he works and I stay at home, but all I really ask of him is that he cleans up after himself. And, maybe takes out the trash once in awhile. My kids are 1 and 2 and they mess everything up. I can have the house looking awesome... perfect, and the next day its screwed up because of them. But, am I wrong for asking those things of him?
Also, I'm bipolar. And, when we get into arguments he either blames it on that, or he calls me crazy or tells me I'm acting like a child. I'm sick of feeling inadequate because I don't really ever feel the desire to be intimate and that pisses him off. He insults my mothering sometimes. He insults that the house isn't always clean. And, I do stand up to him. I've told him a million times that I'm not afraid of him. I lived with an abusive stepfather (who he's become pretty much best friends with) for 10 years. I can take whatever he wants to give to me. But, I'm not going to put up with it.
Thank you for your answers. I know the relationship isn't good. I wanted to try counseling which he agreed to, and we did for a couple times, and it helped a little bit, but then the counsellor kind of acted like we didn't really need any help and told us to tell him when we needed to come back, and we just never did.

[aConfused1]

More from me.

Have you actually sat him down and said things like... "how do you feel about...?" or "I need..." or "I want..."?

He doesn't know what you're thinking and feeling - and he needs to.
You don't need to give him any ultimatums. I feel that never really works. But he does need to know how you feel. If you sit silently, harboring all these resentments and frustrations... that's where it will stay.

I really don't think he'll change much. But he needs to know what you need, feel.
I was dealing with someone who wasn't going to change much. But they always (most always) knew how I felt.
If you think it's worth it - see if he'll work on it. From your post, I'm not seeing it. But you'll never be able to say you didn't try.

Be brave. You can get away and make it on your own.

[DoulaLC]

If you can't see yourself leaving just yet, at the very least get yourselves back to a counselor. Sometimes you may have to visit a few before you find one that works for the two of you.

Personally, I too would have left back when the name calling first started, but now you are in a different situation. Your kids have seen far more than they should. Far better to be with a single mother than two parents who are abusive to each other.

Can you rely on, at least temporarily, any family or friends for support... a place to stay until you can figure out your next move? What sort of background work wise do you have?

What about possible women's shelters in your area? It only takes a phone call to inquire about what help might be available to you and your children.

[aConfused1]

After looking at your last post I have more...

You guys NEED to be in counseling - and not just couples counseling.
Are you in therapy and medicated? For the BP?

I'm all too familiar with that now - and I know that therapy and meds seem like the devil.
But it's a NECESSITY.

Couples counseling, BP counseling(with him included), and therapy and meds.
That's the only way you guys are going to do it.

[Cat1864]

IF counseling was helping and you want to try again, find a new counselor. The last one wasn't listening or you weren't being completely open about the issues.

Frankly, I think you need out of the relationship. He hasn't stopped abusing you. He has just changed tactics.

Do you have any family or friends who could help? If not, there are resources for abused women. Your local health and family services should be able to give you information and guidance.

It's time to start acting before your children think that this is how a relationship is suppose to be. You know it isn't supposed to be this way. Don't let them grow up thinking it is.

[whatsherface]

After looking at your last post I have more...

You guys NEED to be in counseling - and not just couples counseling.
Are you in therapy and medicated? for the BP?

I'm all too familiar with that now - and I know that therapy and meds seem like the devil.
But it's a NECESSITY.

Couples counseling, BP counseling(with him included), and therapy and meds.
That's the only way you guys are gonna do it.

I am on meds, nothing's really worked yet. I have no problems with meds... and I've tried counseling for myself, it's never worked.

[whatsherface]

More from me.

Have you actually sat him down and said things like... "how do you feel about...?" or "I need..." or "I want..."?

He doesn't know what you're thinking and feeling - and he needs to.
You don't need to give him any ultimatums. I feel that never really works. But he does need to know how you feel. If you sit silently, harboring all these resentments and frustrations...that's where it will stay.

I really don't think he'll change much. But he needs to know what you need, feel.
I was dealing with someone who wasn't gonna change much. But they always (most always) knew how I felt.
If you think it's worth it - see if he'll work on it. From your post, I'm not seeing it. But you'll never be able to say you didn't try.

Be brave. You can get away and make it on your own.

And, yes I have tried that. I have told him how I feel and what I need. But, everything's about HIM. HE's trying. HE's changed. HE needs this. HE needs that. I don't know what else I can give him while keeping myself happy too.

[whatsherface]

If you can't see yourself leaving just yet, at the very least get yourselves back to a counselor. Sometimes you may have to visit a few before you find one that works for the two of you.

Personally, I too would have left back when the name calling first started, but now you are in a different situation. Your kids have seen far more than they should. Far better to be with a single mother than two parents who are abusive to each other.

Can you rely on, at least temporarily, any family or friends for support....a place to stay until you can figure out your next move? What sort of background work wise do you have?

What about possible women's shelters in your area? It only takes a phone call to inquire about what help might be available to you and your children.

I know I should have left LONG ago. We fell in love so fast though, it was hard. I fell in love with him almost instantly... before we actually even started dating. I have CNA license in terms of work background. And, I'm taking online college classes. Otherwise, nothing.
And, I don't have any family close by.

[Wondergirl]

I've tried counseling for myself, it's never worked.

Why didn't it work? (P.S. I'm a counselor and need to know why someone thinks this.)

[DoulaLC]

When you packed your stuff and left before for a month, where did you go? Family may not be close, but could you count on them to help you out for a place to stay even if it meant moving?

[whatsherface]

Why didn't it work? (P.S. I'm a counselor and need to know why someone thinks this.)

I really have no idea why it didn't work. I just wasn't comfortable with anyone, and they all always looked at me like they felt sorry for me or something. I hate that.

[whatsherface]

When you packed your stuff and left before for a month, where did you go? Family may not be close, but could you count on them to help you out for a place to stay even if it meant moving?

I stayed with a friend for a week, another friend for another week, and another friend for another week, and my dad's for the last week.

[DoulaLC]

Contact your friends and your dad. Given the circumstances of the relationship, and especially since there are children involved, I would think some one could put you up for awhile until you can sort out what you are going to do after that.

[whatsherface]

Threads merged together


So, I feel like I need an unbiased opinion on this. I'm a stay at home mother, due to my daughter's medical problems. She has physical, occupational, and speech therapy on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. I took our decision for me to stay at home as an opportunity to take online college classes.

Anyway, on to my question. Since I'm a stay at home mom, and my fiancé works, should everything else be MY responsibility, because I feel like there's certain things that aren't. Such as: My daughter gets SSI because she is considered disabled. They need me to send my fiancé's pay stubs to them every month so they don't overpay us. Well, I'm the one that sends them in, but I can't if HE doesn't give them to me, which he doesn't. He throws the stub on the floor in the car or wherever he puts it, then I have to dig through everything (we only have one car, he's the primary driver, and he WILL NOT keep it clean) to find it.

I feel like it's HIS responsibility to bring those in to me, and keep track of them since they are HIS. Yes, I'M the one that needs them, but they are his. Another thing is, I understand I'm home. I'm with our 2 children ages 2, and 3, and the house does not stay clean. BUT, it's not only because of them. HE does not clean up after himself AT ALL. Well, he washes his own laundry, but only when he needs clothes. AND, I've asked him repeatedly (4 years) to not throw his clothes on the floor, and he still does it.

It's so aggravating that when I clean, obviously the kids mess it up, but so does he. He doesn't pick up his dishes, he'll dig through the clean laundry basket, and just leave the clothes on the floor. He doesn't wipe off the stove, if he cooks, I'll clean, and go somewhere with a friend, and he's home wit ht he kids, when I get home the house is TRASHED. And, the only thing that bothers me about that, is that he will ask me what I do all day. Why is it so messy... blah blah blah.

I feel helpless, and hopeless, and I'm constantly depressed. Not just cause of this. Our relationship really isn't that good anyway. But, this kind of **** PISSES me off. And, like I said, I understand I'm home all day, and he's at work, but should since I don't have an outside job should EVERYTHING else be my responsibility?

[Fr_Chuck]

Hide his clothes he leaves on the floor, put them in a box, hide them in the attic or somewhere.

On payday, he does not eat dinner till he hands you the receipt.

While you should perhaps do more of the home duties, he should be helping with the kids in the evening.
And doing his share to at least clean up after his self.

[talaniman]

What makes you think this guy will ever change since he hasn't in 4 years??

Can your parents help you get away from him?