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Wendigah · Apr 25, 2011, 10:42 PM

Looking for suggestions for communicating peacefully with my 18 yr old daughter. She is starting college in the fall, and is talking about moving out. She has a part time fast food job. While living with me, she only has to pay for her cell phone and car ins. She has seen her brother and sister make choices that really set them back in life, and she has always tried to make better choices then they do. She says she just wants to be on her own. I think is is financially foolish. We have always had a good relationship, and I don't want to alienate her. Thank you for any help you can give.

Wondergirl · Apr 25, 2011, 11:42 PM

Will she be going to college close to home? At 18, one loves one's family, but the urge to get out the house and experience life is overwhelming. Even though there was a state university seven miles from my house, my parents encouraged me to go to a college 600 miles away -- to live on campus, to meet lots of other kids my age, to become part of a community different from what I was in, to make my own choices without parents hovering over me, to see and live in a different part of the county.

Have you filled out the FAFSA and know what the family contribution will be? Is she wanting to live on campus or in a apartment? Will she have roommates? Will she (and you) have to take our loans in order to pay college costs?

When you have children, you give them roots, but you also give them wings. It sounds like she's ready to fly out of the nest.

ScottGem · Apr 26, 2011, 03:45 AM

Take her on a trip to look at apartments both in good neighborhoods and bad, show her what apartments really cost. Sit down with her and make a budget plan. Show her what her monthly outlays will be. Show her what you spend on food monthly.

Do this with an attitude that you aren't try to discourage her from moving out, but that you want her to be prepared to successfully move out.

jenniepepsi · Apr 26, 2011, 07:09 AM

Hello,

As hard as it is for us as parents, we must let our children make their own mistakes. Even if they are mistakes that they have seen before in parents, siblings, friends, etc. I grew up in a home where making choices or having your own mind wasn't allowed. Mom controlled EVERYTHING, and that I wouldn't be able to do anything for myself so my mom did everything for me. And I am suffering for it now, because even at 27 I am still struggling with how to make choices for myself and how to do things myself without input or direction or leadership from someone else.

Let her move out. It may be a mistake. It may NOT be. She may do great. Always communicate to your children that you believe in them, and that they CAN do it.

It may be that she ends up making mistakes and bad choices, and maybe even screwing up royally. But give her the chance, and keep your door open to her if she needs to come back.

J_9 · Apr 26, 2011, 07:12 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Take her on a trip to look at apartments both in good neighborhoods and bad, show her what apartments really cost. Sit down with her and make a budget plan. Show her what her monthly outlays will be. Show her what you spend on food monthly.

Do this with an attitude that you aren't try to discourage her from moving out, but that you want her to be prepared to successfully move out.

That is a GREAT plan! They could make a "girls day out" looking at apartments and talking over budgets.

jenniepepsi · Apr 26, 2011, 07:19 AM

I like scotts idea! Just don't do it like cliff huxtable did with theo LOL. Funny. But mean :P hehe

ScottGem · Apr 26, 2011, 03:42 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

i like scotts idea! just dont do it like cliff huxtable did with theo LOL. funny. but mean :P hehe

Actually I was also going to recommend finding that episode and making her sit through it. Dr Huxtable may have been a little mean but I think every teen wanting to move out on their own should watch it.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 26, 2011, 07:49 PM

Agree and say that you will help her prepare. You tell her that you will be charging her rent, just like she will have to pay after she moves out. And that you will save that "rent" up till she moves out and use it to help her move.

So make her set up her budget now

DoulaLC · Apr 27, 2011, 03:56 AM

Looking at apartments, setting a budget, and practicing it now, are excellent ideas.

It will give her the opportunity to have a trial run financially with a safety net to see if it is really doable for her. It quite likely won't be, but it won't be coming from you telling her that, she will see it for herself, which will hold more credence for her.

If, by chance, it does work out for her, you will feel a bit better with her first experience of being on her own.