[Tags010509]

I just wanted to share my story and get any advice from the members here.

Our history. We are both in our early 20's and both about to graduate college. We met over 2 years ago and got engaged about 7 months ago. We both come from military families and both only want to do marriage once. That and she was raised in a Southern disciplined family and I in a Northern style family. She lives with her parents still and I moved to my grandmother's to make college easier. We were in a long distance relationship.

Well a little history on her. She has always lived with her parents. They never allowed her to really do anything and being her age it's pathetic that she had those rules. Also they always made up her mind for her. She went to one university but failed out of it. So she is going to a community college doing the nursing program.

About 3 weeks ago her brother had just gotten married. She was stressed because she didn't want to be involved in it, but she felt obligated. Do to her family's beliefs our engagement was never formally announced and I was not invited to her brother's wedding. Well after she had gotten back from the wedding. (I learned this after the fact and is what mostly confuses me) She started to wonder about us, but said she tried to push the feelings inside and hide them. About a week after she had been back we had talked and she told me that that weekend she was going to announce to her family we were engaged. Mind you her main family is down south. So we had started to talk about what we were going to do about our wedding. We started to talk about locations and the pastor. I thought we were good, but what everyone should learn (Is that the spouse is the last to know.) Well she is in the nursing program at her school and has her clinical's late at night and my classes are in the morning. But this is only for the next 3 weeks and started 2 weeks ago, so only a short time. And she only has them 2 days a week. So we could still talk some.

Well our primary way of talking is on Skype due to the distance, although I do see her quite often. For about a week before we split, we had barley talked. She had been really busy with some things and was feeling sick so was sleeping a lot and I had to do some work on the house. That Thursday 3 weeks after the wedding. I had called her and asked her what weekend was good for her. Our anniversary was coming up and wanted to do something special. The next day we split.

She told me that she was confused and wanted some time to herself to figure some things out. She said that when I asked her what weekend. It made her realize she couldn't suppress the feelings anymore. She said that she couldn't do it to me anymore and needed to break it off. She didn't want to hurt me anymore and thought it would be easier to break it off, because she didn't know how long it would take her. She also wasn't sure about us getting married right now either because she doesn't think she can be fully committed because she is so confused. (I agrre with this)

Now when we first met. She had mentioned that she didn't really know what she wanted to do. I truly believe this is the underlying issue coming out 2 years later. She had mentioned it to me over 2 years ago, but never mentioned them after a while because she had realized she loved me and wanted to pursue our relationship.

I still love her and have hopes that for the future. I told her I will respect her decision and am giving her the space she wanted. So she can figure those things out. I spoke to her 3 days after because I had questions and was just hurt. So now I am doing my best to not be the first to contact her. The problem with that is she feels like she still needs me, and when something goes wrong she calls me first. (that happens often do to her parents being so hardcore with her. They always fight with her.) Im trying to be nice and console her but also maintain my distance, by just being friends. I am trying to move on, I know I definitely won't be ready for a relationship anytime soon, but I am focusing on graduating college.

When she told me she is confused. She said I wouldn't understand. She said it makes sense in her mind and she doesn't know how to explain it. We are both about to graduate college, or at least I am. (I don't mean that meanly, but she doesn't know if she wants to do nursing anymore.) And know she isn't cheating on me and doesn't have feelings for another person. I know she love's me and I know her well enough to know her heart wants me to wait for her even though she is confused. I am waiting for my heart to heal, maybe in a few months. I'll be able to judge if we have anything left and judge. If I should move on completely and just try to stay friends.

I just want to know if I am making the right decision and If anyone has any idea what's in her mind? Is she confused about us, or is she just that lost with herself or has just lost her way in life?

[Homegirl 50]

She sounds very confused but I think the break up is good for both of you.

Cut ties so you can heal and perhaps she can get her thoughts together and become more independent.
Tell her not to contact you.

[amicon]

It seems she has a lot of growing up to do;let her do that on her own.

You should consider this over and start moving on.

Don't be her emotional blanket-no contact is the best tool for you to heal and get your life back on track.

[ajwain]

Have not really understood the years and weeks what you have mentioned! But from your present condition what you have mentioned I feel that you have already moved on. Referring to your-'so now I am doing my best to not be the first to contact her'.. I feel you have already left her behind dude! Also -' I still love her and have hopes for the future' this you are feeling because she has suddenly arrived out of the blue again and your all those feelings for her have come to the surface after so long! Your girlfriend also seems to have lot of pressure from her family which she is not sharing with you plus she is also now confused about her career too.. so just leave her alone!don't keep going back to her just move on. If you are concerned about her you can just lend her a helping ear.. nothing more!

[ironhide262]

You can speculate all you want(it's part of the process you are going through)however, the only person who has any bit of an idea what going on in her mind is her! The main thing to understand is that her feelings for you(the relationship ) have changed. Sorry.

From what you have written,at best she is very confused about her feelings. Also, one could argue, given her family life, that she is in a bit of a struggle to find her own identity. We could analyze it for days and it would do no good!

Accept that her feelings have changed. It's time to start to focus on your life, future. Bow out and let do whatever she has to. Best thing to do is go No Contact. Stop all communication with her... no more being her shoulder to cry on or Mr fix-it. Makes no sense to put your life on hold for anyone and please, if she loved you she would be trying to make it work instead of walking out the door... don't fall for it!

There's lots of info at the top of the relationship page to help you out and you are among many people on this site who have gone through or are going through the same thing you are so, feel free to keep posting. Best of luck.

[mmresd]

There shouldn't be that much confusion to be completely honest. The question is not why she broke up with you. The fact of the situation is that she has broken up with you. So, accept it, and start dealing with it and healing from it and stop wasting time trying to figure out why this is happening to you. Leave her alone and let her figure out if she wants to be with you or if her decision was final. But don't wait, you go do your own thing. If she changes her mind then you will have an option to make, if she doesn't then you don't even have to make a decision. But, her immaturity clearly shows that she is not ready for commitment... At all. So if she decides to come back, reflect on whether you really want her to come back.

Good luck,
Javi

[Tags010509]

Threads merged


I am not sure exactly how to say this, so I will as best I can. I know you still love me but I don't think you were In Love with me anymore. (My reasoning below.) You broke it off with me, becaue you are confused and couldn't hurt me anymore. I understand that you are confused, and I will not understand why nor do you really.

Well I know our relationship always had rocky parts, but I always fought to keep you. (Your family, your past, medical problems, our problems, I can think of numerous things I fought to keep you.) Actually it feels like I was always the one trying to keep you. I never really made you have to fight for me. I was always there for you through everything. Well, I am not exactly sure what you were thinking when you decided to separate. I think you are confused about yourself, confused about what you need to do in life, and were confused if we were meant to be together. And I know that's probably not all of them, but I believe are some of the main one's.

I am going to be honest "NAME", as mean as this may sound. You have some growing up to do and need to learn to face your fears. (Not run from them.) You've ran from to many things. I treasured what we had and still do. I have no regrets about any of it. I know you say you don't, but the fact that it feels like your trying to remove me says a lot. (First the posts and now the pictures.) I am not saying you are, but that's what I feel. And as much as you don't think your parents have anything to do with this, guess what they are part of your problem. They kept you from growing up and being independent. Because of that you were never able to make your own choices. And no I am not going to put all the blame on them, yes I do believe they had a part in it, but not all of it. I also belevie that all the pressure from your family had a lot to do with your decision. There are so many underlying problems I could name, but I won't.

I am just going to say it now. You need to do some major thinking on things. You need to take these next weeks or more and focus on getting done with college. You need to really try to focus on those feelings in your head and sort them out and start to work on them. I have decided that I am going to move on. No not relationship wise yet, but I know I can not focus on the past anymore. I can't focus on hope with us. You've already made your decision and I can not change that. Nor will I try any longer. We had a great 2 years and I Was In Love with you. I loved everything about us. But that was the past. I am focusing on My future now. If you are still In Love with me. (You don't have to tell me.) Well it's your turn to fight to get me back. If not that's your choice. All I ask is that you figure out what you want in life before you start another relationship.

I am more than happy to be friends. In fact I want that, but from our last conversation we had. It didn't even seem like you wanted that. I still care a lot about you, but I can no longer be that rock to you I was if we are not together. I will still be here to help as best I can, but I can not be your main protector if I am not with you. It's not fair to either of us.

Oh and That promise I made to you with those flowers 2 years ago. All I can say is that I lived up to it. I stayed until you pushed me away even then I fought, but alas it was choice.

'No I have not sent it to her, but it did feel good to write. Maybe some people can learn from this. I am not 'sure, but I hope it will help at least one person move on and learn from me.

I didn't send it to her and don't plan to. And apparently it wasn't meant for you. I only posted it to show what I learned and a way for me to express myself. So that maybe one person would learn something.

[Wondergirl]

I didn't send it to her and don't plan to. And apparently it wasn't meant for you. I only posted it to show what I learned and a way for me to express myself. So that maybe one person would learn something.

The major lesson is to write out something like that exactly as you have done and NOT send it (and do a ceremonial burning of it) -- just let feelings of hurt and anger and disappointment flow out, so then you can move forward with your life.

[amicon]

I hope you learned something from it and that you have moved on.

[tottoroanimal]

When a girl says "she needs more time" or "more space" to "figure things out" and she is "confused", it generally means just one thing -- she is humping some other guy. Time to move on.