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Bethme · Apr 19, 2011, 04:55 PM

My husband's kids have been living with us for about a year and a half now and my biggest issue is his daughter. I read many step moms say "my step daughter is lovely but I am jealous of her relationship with my husband". Well in my case, my stepdaughter has done things that have hurt my feelings in many ways. She no longer does these things but about a month ago, I read a letter she had written early this year(which she had hidden) about the way that I am and how she wishes she and her brother would go out with their dad without me, the way he and I go out by ourselves. I sensed a lot of jealousy from her part. It had been a few months before that letter that things were fine between us and I didn't mind that my husband was affectionate with her but ever since that letter, it is hard to believe that it still affects me so much and it is very hurtful to me. I guess as I am writing this, I realize that I truly haven't forgiven her for what she did to me or what she wrote to me. I don't know how to forgive her. Maybe I'm exhaggerating... any advice? She is 14.

Alty · Apr 19, 2011, 05:00 PM

This is tough. You're a wife, and your husband has children that aren't yours. As a step mom things are not easy. But being a step child isn't easy either.

She has to share her dad, with you. She's also at a very tough age. Do your remember being 14? If so, how would you have felt if your dad had married someone else?

Try to put yourself in her shoes. She's a teen, she's going through many changes, and to top it all off, she has a new step mom that, in her eyes, is stealing her dad away.

There's nothing to forgive. She's not acting in any way that any other teen wouldn't act. She loves her dad, she needs time with her dad, and to her, you're the one taking that time away from her.

Bethme · Apr 19, 2011, 05:14 PM

That's true. I appreciate what you wrote "there is nothing to forgive". I guess I am just resentful because before I married her father, she and her brother were living with my husband's parents (their mother abandoned them when they were 3 and 4). And in my heart it was not right that they were apart from their father, while I was forming a relationship and family with him [we don't have kids yet but want to, and I wanted his kids to be part of our life and so that they would never resent me for keeping their father all to myself (even though I was not the one who took him away from them- my husband's parents thought they would be better off with them rather than with a single father]... I feel that if it wasn't for me, they wouldn't even be with their father (they were living in mexico). But I guess I am expecting too much from a teenager. My relationship with his son is pretty good. He is 13 but he is mature way beyond his years and so wants us to form a family together.

However my stepdaughter has expressed to toher people and in her letter that she doesn't want us to have any kids together because then her father would pay no attention to her and her brother. I guess I can understand that but it is very hurtful. And also when my husband is being affectionate towards me and she is sitting next to him, he has to be equally affectionate to her, if not more than he is to me. I guess I'm just not used to that, since my father was pretty reserved while we were growing up and it was only on special occasions that he showed over affection towards me... Thanks for listening...

Alty · Apr 19, 2011, 05:24 PM

It's hard merging a family. Merging a family with teens, I can't imagine.

You shouldn't feel guilt. You love their father, and you have a right to. He's your husband. I just urge you to try to place yourself in her shoes. As a girl it's even harder. I know I was a daddy's girl. If my parents had divorced and another woman had come along, I admit that I wouldn't have taken it well. Heck, even in my 30's I would have been a brat. ;)

Just keep in mind what you were like at her age. What would you have felt if you had gone through what she's going through?

It's not that she's being a brat. Although it feels that way. It's not that she hates you. I bet it feels that way. It's that she has to share her dad. That's just not easy.

Do you and the daughter do things together? If not, why not try? It won't be easy, she may reject your attempts, but, if she does accept it, it could really help, not only the relationship between you and her, but that between her and her dad.

Why not schedule a "date" night for the two of them? Let her go out with her dad. You plan it, making you the good guy. Sit down with her, ask her what she'd like to do with her dad, maybe a movie, or dinner, whatever. Then you set the plan in motion.

It won't be easy. She's 14, pigheaded, stubborn, hormonal, surely you remember? ;) I know I do. I was not a pleasant person at 14.

Don't give up. Don't pull away from your husband either. You two are a unit. You two deserve time together as husband and wife. Just don't forget that he comes with a bit of a past life, 2 kids. They deserve to be considered. :)

Bethme · Apr 19, 2011, 08:08 PM

Thanks for your advice. You are right, I should probably start doing that again, taking her out. I use to make it a bi-weekly thing but since I became resentful, I haven't made it a priority but I guess at least make an effort... I just want it to come from the heart and at the moment I have to get over some things. But like my mom says, sometimes you have to pretend... lol. Thanks again!

J_9 · Apr 19, 2011, 08:56 PM

Blended families are tough. Blended families with teens can be near impossible at times.

I am a blended family. I have 2 sons who are step-sons to my husband. They are adults now, but I remember the teen years.

Even though your step-children's mother has not been involved, they still hold on to a hope that their mother and father will get back together.

You definitely need to make the children a priority. Yes, sometimes you have to pretend, but in the end, you will not be pretending.

Bethme · Apr 19, 2011, 09:08 PM

Yes, you are right. On the letter that she wrote she wrote that she wished that she had a normal family that she didn't understand why her parents had split and that since her dad and I got married, that her dad had changed, that now he was boring and that he spoiled me [getting me a ring (wedding band that he never got me) even when he didn't have the money]. When I spoke to her about the letter I told her "fyi, i bought that ring, and your dad's!" (which is very true). But yes, she has so much resentment towards me. I have known her since she was 8 and it used to be that when her father hugged or kissed me in front of her, she would make a huge scene to get him away from me. Now, I am the jealous one... I truly dislike her most of the time (even if she is not a bad kid... I just resent her for everything... ) and so when I see my husband hugging her and kissing her (more than he does me) it makes me so angry... did you ever experience that with your boys and your husband?.

Bethme · Apr 19, 2011, 09:08 PM

How did you guys pull through?. I'm so happy for you guys..

J_9 · Apr 19, 2011, 09:19 PM

How did we pull through? We let the boys know that we love them unconditionally. Although I wasn't still with their father, I still loved them. Their father and I were better friends than parents.

My husband loves them unconditionally as well.

You have to remember though, that while you are a step parent, you are not a parent. Your husband has to do most of the parenting. My husband never disciplined the boys. I did. BUT, we had to be on the same page.

It's important you keep an open line of communication with your husband on this.

It's been over 20 years and now my children love my husband, AND my husband and my ex now have a good relationship.