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coupongirl80 · Apr 19, 2011, 01:47 PM

I do not know what to do. I just want some sort of resolution. I do not love him. We have two children and he did not want to get a divorce in 08 mainly because of paying support. I feel like this is just an arrangement to save him money. He swears he loves me so much. Well he does not trust me at all. We both have issues and for the most part have worked them out. Just this morning he asked if I still had the check book, wanted to make sure I had not lost it! I had it for one day only. I did not use it. I only asked for it in case our son need dental work as he broke a tooth. I feel trapped used and controlled. I do not want to be where there is no trust, no real love. I grew up in a situation that was so abusive and being here is certain ways reminds me of that. I am to the point of considering leaving without the kids. Please advise of what I should do.

joypulv · Apr 19, 2011, 02:34 PM

What country are you in?
In the US, you file for divorce if you want a divorce. You get lawyers or mediators and work out custody and alimony and support and division of property. The more you can agree on, the less the lawyers will cost.

Why on earth would you leave, and leave the children behind?

Lack of trust and no real love are understandable concepts, but your story about today seems trivial, so it's just worth getting into such stories online unless he's hitting you or locking you in.

coupongirl80 · Apr 19, 2011, 02:44 PM

Thanks for your concerns, not. So the fact that my parents also mental verbally and sexually abused me just as my husband now does are not valid? How do I delete all of this?

Wondergirl · Apr 19, 2011, 02:49 PM

Don't leave angry. More people who have good suggestions will respond.

How long have you been married (i.e. how old are the kids?) Why would you leave without them (like, are they old enough, teens maybe)? Would he be a good caregiver without you there?

He is paying support, but it's under the guise of marriage. Have either or both of you tried or even considered counseling? I'm guessing he's too controlling to consider it -- "it's not MY fault."

Is he physically abusive?

joypulv · Apr 19, 2011, 03:03 PM

I apologize for sounding unconcerned.
I hear someone who has signs of abuse, who lets a husband tell you that you can't get a divorce because he doesn't want one, and I was just trying to give you some gumption.
I wanted to put aside the story about the checkbook because by itself it isn't abusive. You know it's part of the larger picture, but others aren't there in your home day in and day out.
Again, I wasn't in the least wanting to be critical, and I asked about your country because this is a world site. There are still countries where wives have no rights at all.

ScottGem · Apr 19, 2011, 03:35 PM

First ANY question on law needs to include your general locale as laws vary by area.

Second, you do NOT need to stay in a relationship that is either mentally or physically abusive. And yes, the fact that you had an abusive childhood does matter, but not in terms of a divorce. It matters only as an explanation of why you would enter and stay in such a relationship.

If you want a divorce then go for one. I would suggest contacting a battered wives group in your area, who can help with legal issues as well as provide emotional support. For us to provide more help we need need more info from you. Please use the Answer options at the bottom of the page to provide follow-up info (not Comments).