[LISAROSEP]

My fiance' and I lived together for 13 years. Three years ago, we bought a house and reconstructed it, and now here I sit alone. Last February, he ended the relationship saying that we grew apart, that we want different things in life, etc.; however, I found out he was seeing someone else after looking at his cell phone bill. He had never broken up with me in 14 years, and because I could not sway him back, and his behavior was out of character, I knew something was up. He would not leave our home though, and by the end of April, I had to call the cops to scare him out of here because he was telling me he was going and then he was hanging pictures up of the two of us. He came back in the house when I was not home and left a note telling me he was sorry for everything that happened, that he still loved me,a and that he was staying with his sister. He ended up moving right in with his girlfriend though. He is 48 and I am 41 and his girlfriend is 49. I have had such a hard time trying to put this behind me, and once he was gone, there was not a single day (to this day too 8 months later) that someone has not told me something abut him including that he is a cocaine addict, a porn addict, a womanizer, and a person who beats everyone out of money. He NEVER showed me this side, and my heart still has this image of a sweet, good-hearted man. I have cried every day for 8 months. I still go on, work, see someone else, etc. but I miss him, his voice, his presence, his sense of humor. He just rode by the house as I am writing this, and I feel completely crushed. Why can't I get over this man, who was really not who I thought? I feel that I want to see him. He has told people he misses me and when he came to get his stuff in November, he was crying his eyes out to my sister. He also left me a message back in August saying he missed me and the hung up. I just do not seem to know how to handle this. I have never called him. Any advice? Why am I also wondering if he regrets this or misses me too?

[talaniman]

First off after all that history you are in shock at losing him and finding out about his bad side. You are hurt now but stop all contact and start to get a life that you enjoy with people and places that are fun and healthy. You aren't a teeny bopper and I'm sure there are things you like to do, and if not get out and volunteer at a church, hospital, or school and work toward making yourself happy with new friends and new places to go. You know his bad side and now you don't have to deal with it. No sitting around being sorry and sad, life is too short for that. Find your own happiness. My gosh its been a year get out and get a life, no buts.

[chuff]

Lisa it sounds like he has some deep emotional problems that require some kind of therapy.

But give yourself credit you were with him for 14 years and 8 months is still relatively a small amount of time compared to that. I have a feeling that his bad sides might have always been there, but you might have been blinded to them. Nobody can hide what you described for that long.

Also a giant step to take but maybe you should move out of the house into another one. That house is a constant reminder of the both of you. You fixed it up so take a profit and move to a home that is strictly yours.

[talaniman]

Even if you have to split the money movig out and starting over might be a good idea. You haven't said anything about children so I assume you have none. Hey that makes you free as a bird! You can do anything you want to.

[phillysteakandcheese]

You can't move on because you are still hanging on to hope of repeating your comfortable past.

You probably wish he would just come back and you two could resume life just like it was before - nice and comfortable. You know that that really can't happen - he's been with another woman - perhaps many others, and has a dark side he didn't let you in on.

To move on, you need to accept that it's over. As long as you are hanging on to that hope about "going back to how it was", you're going to hold yourself back.

[bikerguy]

My fiance' and I lived together for 13 years. Three years ago, we bought a house and reconstructed it, and now here I sit alone. Last February, he ended the relationship saying that we grew apart, that we want different things in life, etc.; however, I found out he was seeing someone else after looking at his cell phone bill. He had never broken up with me in 14 years, and because I could not sway him back, and his behavior was out of character, I knew something was up. He would not leave our home though, and by the end of April, I had to call the cops to scare him out of here because he was telling me he was going and then he was hanging pictures up of the two of us. He came back in the house when I was not home and left a note telling me he was sorry for everything that happened, that he still loved me,a nd that he was staying with his sister. He ended up moving right in with his girlfriend though. He is 48 and I am 41 and his girlfriend is 49. I have had such a hard time trying to put this behind me, and once he was gone, there was not a single day (to this day too 8 months later) that someone has not told me something abut him including that he is a cocaine addict, a porn addict, a womanizer, and a person who beats everyone out of money. He NEVER showed me this side, and my heart still has this image of a sweet, good-hearted man. I have cried every day for 8 months. I still go on, work, see someone else, etc., but I miss him, his voice, his presence, his sense of humor. He just rode by the house as I am writing this, and I feel completely crushed. Why can't I get over this man, who was really not who I thought? I feel that I want to see him. He has told people he misses me and when he came to get his stuff in November, he was crying his eyes out to my sister. He also left me a message back in August saying he missed me and the hung up. I just do not seem to know how to handle this. I have never called him. Any advice? Why am I also wondering if he regrets this or misses me too?

Read rebuilding by Bruce Fischer, I taught a divorce class for 6 years at a church. Every one loved the book. Also Divorce Care has a tape series. I read it takes 1 year of healing for every 4 years you were together.