[picketfence]

My husband and I got pregnant in college and married when our first child was just under 2. He was closer to his degree than I was so I quit school to care for our children, we now have two. We own a home and even have a dog, from the outside we are only missing the white picket fence. Behind closed doors though, it is ugly. He has never hit me and he never would but, he is down right mean. He hasn't done it in years but he actually used to spit in my face when he was mad at me. He pays all the bills, I work part time cook, clean and care for the children, he has never even bathed them in the 7 years of having chilren. He is a great dad though and plays with them and loves them, and he is a good provider. On the other hand, he is very jealous, I have no friends because if I want to do something without him, I hear about it for weeks, even though he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He has never trusted me and has been accusing me of cheating for the 9 years we have been together. I have stayed for the children and can't justify taking away their home and material things they wouldn't have if I were a single mom, just for my own happiness. He always has friends over, I don't think he is capable of just having fun with me. One of his friends has been so kind to me and makes me feel like I'm not wothless, a way my husband can't make me feel. He has told me he won't be "that guy" I never thought I wanted him to be, it goes against everything I have ever believed. Then it happened, the attraction was too strong and we slept together. Now I feel like the whore my husband has always said I am. But it made me realize I no longer want to be in this marriage. I want to be alone, find myself and feel special, loved, by me. I don't know who I am, all I know is how to be a maid and a mom. I feel I should sleep in the bed I made, but at what expense. I don't want my daughters growning up thinking they can be spoken to so badly by the man that "loves" them. My husband does not know I slept with somebody else, also I have begged him to go to counseling for years and he refuses.

[JudyKayTee]

You already know that trying to find happiness or a sense of self worth with another man almost always backfires. You have to forgive yourself and move on. No, you aren't a whore. You're a lonely woman. I'm not sure that your husband's "friend" didn't take advantage of you. You also have to be prepared, if you leave, for the "friend" to tell your husband what happened in the context of "she was no good anyway and here's how I know ..."

I think it's emotionally healthy that you are thinking in terms of "alone" as opposed to "with this other guy" (which we see here all the time).

Your children are not going to grow up well adjusted and happy if you stay in an unhappy situation (and children perceive a lot more than adults give them credit for) so they can have material things. He's not a "great Dad" if he's mentally abusive to you.

You can go to counselling alone to try to figure out what to do. Yes, separation/divorce are difficult. There's a big world out there. On the other hand how long can YOU live unhappy? You owe it to yourself and your children to get this situation straightened out. Maybe the marriage can be saved; maybe it can't. You owe it to yourself to find out NOW.

Time is the only thing in life that we can't get back.

[picketfence]

The other guy doesn't know how my husband treats me because he cares too much about what other people think so he doesn't treat me badly in front of people, but yells when they leave because I shouldn't have been speaking to his friends. If I leave, it is not to be with the other guy, I know that, it is killing him that we even let it happen.

[JudyKayTee]

I know that, too - that you aren't thinking of leaving to be with someone else. You and the "other guy" haven't discussed how your husband treats you in private?

I think the only way to know your own heart is to go for counselling. By yourself if he won't go.

[picketfence]

I have mentioned to him that I wouldn't be thinking about him if my husband was treating me right. Regardless, I don't care if he did take advantage. I suppose I used him in a way as well. I wouldn't have gone through with it if I truly had feelings left for my husband. Regardless, what I did is wrong on every level, I just wanted to feel alive and not walk on egg shells if only for the night. I won't lie, it would be nice to see him again, but I know I have to wait till I leave my husband. I think I will offer him to go to counceling with me one more time, but I just can't see what's left to save, I can't imagine my life with him after the children are older and on their own. I don't even drink my coffee right, according to him, its just never good enough, I feel, why, what am I trying so hard for. I sleep with him thinking he will be in a good mood for a little while at least but, I'm wrong, every time.

[KBC]

No,you are not wrong,your morals from your upbringing are at odds with what you did(for selfish reasons or for selfless reasons, you choose what they were for)

Having a LIFE outside a marriage isn't a bad thing as long as there is a marriage to be had in the first place.From what you have stated,this guy was exactly what I was like during my marriage,impossible to be with,impossible to be without(for the kids sake/material things,etc)

You seem to be struggling with what all people struggle with when an impending break-up develops,the unknown.

Not knowing all the background(I didn't read back over the entire post) and seeing that you have only answered 3 times(posts) you are not being offered any advice here(or I cannot see it)

I would begin with setting the ground rules.

The words,"I FEEL" need to be at the beginning of every sentence you offer to him about how you are feeling,how you are being(and have been) affected by the whole marriage, not the sleeping with someone else, he all but drove you to this, (No,he didn't make you do this,he drove you into someone else's care)You took the (seemingly) first offer put on the table and now feel guilt,as you probably should.

I did the same with my ex-wife, I accused her of all kinds of wrong doings(of which today I am no more knowledgeable about than I was then) non-the-less,I did make life a living hell behind closed doors(as she did in public for me... ), ANYWAY!

You are not wrong every time,you are defeated,but I don't think you are down for the count.The comment about"One more time" asking him to see the counselor, that shows that you are still attempting to keep the marriage together,but at what cost?

Eventually the indiscretion will come out,guilt has a way of making the blackness grow inside,the void of doubt and shame.Humans have this.Humans with morals suffer more than those with none, you seem to have morals.

Play the tape out,think about what the results of admission to the one time affair will be with him(I know what I would have felt with my ex), the results are your's to live with, the marriage can either survive the trauma or not.. and the resulting waves in the marriage can be very difficult.. meaning if he was close to violence in the past,how would he react to this today?

Seek a personal confidant for this, a safe person,one you can rely on in person,not online.

Hope this is helpful from the males perspective,

KBC