What to do

sadface · Mar 27, 2011, 07:25 AM

I just came from a 4day girlie relaxed holiday. However I didn't sleep over 24 hours due to flight. So I'm pretty tired. When my husband picked me up we got home and the floors were filthy. I over reacted and told him for not washing the floors before I came. He told me to f*&k off and went to do a quick job. I then msgd him apolising for over reacting. He just called me back 30 minutes later asking what to buy for lunch. I told him anything he said thanks for your help.
As he got in I was in bed with our baby. I heard he was heatin oven etc.. 20 minutes later I walked in living room to find him eating alone on sofa, and then falls asleep!! Im sooo tired I can barely looking after our child.
How should I react to this as I'm so tired I have no idea how to deal with him?

JudyKayTee · Mar 27, 2011, 07:32 AM

What do you mean by you "over reacted?" What did that involve?

Does he take relaxing male holidays away from you and the baby? Maybe he resents your time away.

Is this the same relationship that was in trouble some time ago? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ml#post2588346

sadface · Mar 27, 2011, 07:35 AM

Over reactin buy shouting at him for not cleaning before I came.
I spoke to him about it before I went and he was fine with it and we spoke fine when I was away!

redhed35 · Mar 27, 2011, 07:36 AM

Has he being minding the baby while you were away?

Your tired, and you snaped at him,he was asking for you input on dinner,he was probably a little miffed even though you said sorry.

You lay down with the baby, maybe he thought you were going to be sleeping for a few hours.

Your not on holidays any more,its not his fault your tired.

So you have two options, if the baby is asleep lie down on the couch with your husband, tell him you missed him and make up, or wind yourself up and end up having a blazing row because your tired.

Order a takeaway, tommorow's a new day, when your so tired you feel you could drop on the spot everything can annoy you.

sadface · Mar 27, 2011, 07:45 AM

Yes its true.. all I wanted was to enjoy a nice day in with boys :(
I just thought he would pamper me perhaps LOL..
Baby just woke up and won't sleep for another 3-4 hours now!

redhed35 · Mar 27, 2011, 07:51 AM

You've been pampered, its back to work time.

So what the floor is not washed,wash it tomorrow, you have a healthy baby,you had a nice time away.

Maybe you should pamper your husband, its partnership, and its takes team work and compromise, lots and lots of patience and more compromise.

sadface · Mar 27, 2011, 08:06 AM

Ill try that

sadface · Mar 27, 2011, 09:35 AM

He isn't interested!
Such a charmer my man!!

JudyKayTee · Mar 27, 2011, 09:53 AM

It's only been two hours - maybe he needs longer than that to see if you are exhibiting patience and pampering him.

Again, is this the same relationship you've asked about before?

Fr_Chuck · Mar 27, 2011, 10:23 AM

Wash the floor, you have to be kidding, sweep maybe, if you were lucky if he was watching the baby alone.

sadface · Mar 27, 2011, 11:47 PM

JudyKaytee - yes same man! Why?
Fr_chuck.. I understand I over reacted about washing the floors. My mother looked after our baby while my husband worked, he then picked up baby after work and dropped baby back at mum before work.

JudyKayTee · Mar 28, 2011, 04:05 AM

Originally Posted by sadface

JudyKaytee - yes same man! why?
Fr_chuck.. i understand i over reacted about washing the floors. My mother looked after our baby while my husband worked, he then picked up baby after work and dropped baby back at mum b4 work.

Because it indicates other problems in the relationship which may be influencing this particular situation.

sadface · Mar 28, 2011, 08:06 AM

I guess so... I think we have problems! And the few times I mention it he thinks I'm talking rubbish!

I cleaned the floors this morning and he comes home from work for lunch and walks in with his work boots, without wiping his shoes on front door carpet! He won't remove his shoes because he says ill moan that his socks stink! I can't work away around it anymore..

JudyKayTee · Mar 28, 2011, 08:12 AM

I think one or both of you needs to seek counselling - I don't know why the floors are so important to you and I don't know why he ignores you instead of attempting to work with you.

sadface · Mar 28, 2011, 08:13 AM

Thank you!
YOu know that's all I needed to hear really! That it is both of US that need to work on this and not just ME.

And its important we have clean floors because of our baby crawling.. health hygene! I don't want him to crawl on floors that are dirty

JudyKayTee · Mar 28, 2011, 08:50 AM

Oh, I understand that - I just think that the "dirty floor" issue is a symptom of something else. Sounds like your husband is chosing that as his battlefield. You would think he would know about the floor and the baby.

I realize you are doing all you can to keep things together but he has to do his part, too.

sadface · Mar 28, 2011, 11:50 PM

I have tried yesterday to be nice.. he came home and said his back hurts due to work so I offered him a back massage and he said No thanks..
Im not going to stay doing this.. I believe I have tried... the ball is in his court now!

QLP · Mar 29, 2011, 05:33 AM

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you two aren't really communicating you are just squabbling.

Your husband says he can't take his shoes off because you would complain his feet stink. Would you?

If not, then make it clear that you want him to remove his shoes because of the baby crawling, and that he has no need to feel concerned about smelly feet since you understand he has been working hard, and hey we can't help getting sweaty when we graft. If you do complain about his sweaty feet then it's time you took a deep breath and think about what's really important and what message you are giving him. If the poor guy is in trouble if he does and damned if he doesn't what's he supposed to do?

He comes home with a bad back and you offer him a massage. Yes that's nice but maybe not what he was wanting. Maybe he just wanted to talk about his day. Maybe a massage would have been too uncomfortable at that point. Instead of asking if there was anything you could do to help and keeping the communication open you offer what you think he wants then get upset when he says no. His response wasn't helpful either since he should have been perfectly capable of saying what he did want if anything.

I suspect what is going on here is the old chestnut of two tired out parents with a baby who both think they have the short end of the stick. You probably feel you have a hard job looking after the baby and need his support. Looking after a little one is hard work no doubt. He probably feels that all he does is work then come home and be expected to work some more and he is probably stressed about the extra financial burden of a family. His stress and fatigue are real too.

Time to do some proper communicating. Acknowledge how hard it is for each of you and make a real effort to find out each other's perspectives. You need to start working as a team. How about having a weekend away together where you both get a break and grandma babysits? Or even just a few hours away and a nice lunch somewhere?