[affableentropy]

It's a horrible situation that no one wants. It is not the kind of situation that you wake up one day and say "I think I'd like to crush my husband's heart and have an affair". It's awful. I feel horrible. But I can actually see a beautiful life with this other man, and I want it more, and more everyday, but at the same time, the thought of leaving my husband, and breaking his heart is unbearable.

I know I need to make a decision quickly. But this is not something that is easy to sort out at all. I wish someone had the answer. I used to be the girl that despised cheaters, I hated them, and thought "how could anyone ever do that to someone?! what a low life!" but it really is one of those situations that you could never possibly understand until it happens in your life.

I never intended to be the woman that had an affair. I hate the thought of it, and it's not something people accept justification for. For people, there is absolutely no reason for cheating. I can't believe it myself. I feel awful. What do I do?

I love my husband very much, but I know I'm just not in love with him anymore. I care very much about the man I'm am having an affair with, and I can see myself falling very much in love with him. I don't want to hurt my husband, but I'm not getting any younger and you only get one shot at happiness, one chance to live your life, part of me says to go for it with the other man, and the other part of me just can't stand to hurt my husband.

Someone, please have some answers. I know it's awful, I never wanted this.


Edited/T

[Alty]

I'm pretty sure that you're expecting people to be harsh, and that's most likely exactly what you're going to get.

You make it sound like you had no choice in all of this, like you're the victim. You had a choice, and you made it. Instead of doing the honorable thing and leaving your husband so you could be with this other man, you decided to cheat.

I have a very simple solution to your problem. Tell your husband that you're cheating on him, and that you're in love with this other man. I'm pretty sure he'll make the choice for you, then you won't have to worry about doing it yourself.

[affableentropy]

Thank you. I have thought about that, and I've talked to someone about it and I concluded that it's enough to live with the shame and guilt myself, it's not something I ever want him to feel and have to live with the knowledge of for the rest of his life. He doesn't deserve to feel such pain. And I know I should have never done my part to make the situation what it is in the first place. It is not something you plan, before I knew it, it was just happening.

[Alty]

He'll live with the pain no matter what you choose. As soon as you started seeing that other man you involved your husband in this. Even if you decide to stay with him he has a right to know and decide for himself if he wants to stay in this marriage.

It's not only your decision to make anymore. You may feel that you're saving him from pain, but I'm pretty sure he knows that there's something wrong with your marriage, that you're not happy. He's already in pain.

You may think that keeping this from him will spare him, but really, if you're honest with yourself, it's only sparing you.

You've made this mess, and you may be willing to live with it, but that doesn't mean he should be forced to just because you're afraid to tell him, afraid to hurt him.

Give it some thought. How would you feel if the tables were turned?

[Jjgirl23]

I agree with above, You already made the decision. You are worried about hurting your husband, yet, you already have he just don't know it. Best thing to do is be honest with him that you cheated and that you don't love him anymore. Because guilt of never telling him will haunt you with that. He deserves to know that you have been unfaithful to him. He also deserves to know you don't love him anymore and you love another man. He won't be happy to know it, no, but why fake his happiness by staying with him as well as yours. He is not getting any younger either I am sure. So tell him the truth so he can move on with his life and find someone body who loves him too just like you did.

Being honest and truthful to the full extent with him right now is the best thing you can only do. For his sake and yours. He deserves to know. Nobody deserves this & keeping him in the dark is even worse. Come clean and tell him everything & I am sure it will all work itself out then.

[affableentropy]

You make an extremely good point. You have given me a lot to consider. Thank you for that. I am afraid. I'm pretty positive I don't ever want him to know, to save both of us I suppose. I need to make the decision to end my marriage or end my affair. I am so very afraid. Thank you altenweg.

[grammadidi]

Well, I'm pretty old school when it comes to this kind of thing, but here is my opinion...

When you married your husband you made a commitment. I believe that you need to honour that commitment and put the energy you are now putting into this other man into your marriage. I truly believe that if you put 100% of yourself into making your marriage everything you want it to be, that you will be happy. That is not to say that I don't believe in divorce, because I do. However, I believe that unless there is abuse or cheating that you remain in your marriage.

There is a reason that arranged marriages have the best chance of longevity and lifelong happiness. I believe it is because both partners learn to love each other by a strong desire and effort to make it work. If you love your husband then you owe it to both of you to work on your marriage. If you feel that you are not IN love with him, then you need to work harder at it. The more you give to the relationship, the more you will get out of it.

You see, think about this. You feel horrible about your affair. Breaking your husband's heart is unbearable. You hate the thought that you are having an affair. You feel awful about it. You love your husband. You care very much about the man you are having the affair with and can see yourself falling in love with him. You don't want to hurt your husband. Those are your words. If your present relationship with the man you are seeing was the right decision then first of all, you wouldn't think twice. Secondly, it would leave you feeling wonderful, not guilty, pained, confused and horrible.

You say you love your husband. If so, then you need to devote yourself into repairing your relationship with him in any way you can. Sometimes it is difficult, sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's frustrating. However, when you put your all into it then it can only get better. Find a therapist to help you figure out why you are lacking in yourself that made you reach out to someone else rather than strengthening your marriage. Learn how to communicate your needs, wants and desires to your husband. It's not easy but in the end it is soooo worh it! Remember, your affair is primarily a symptom.

Anyhow, that is my opinion. Best of luck to you.

Hugs, Didi

[Alty]

you make an extremely good point. You have given me a lot to consider. Thank you for that. I am afraid. I'm pretty positive I don't ever want him to know, to save both of us I suppose. I need to make the decision to end my marriage or end my affair. I am so very afraid. Thank you altenweg.

No problem. I hope you come back, there's a great support system here. We may be harsh at times, but we'll always tell you the truth, even if you don't want to hear it. ;)

I can just imagine how scared you are. I'm very sure this isn't an easy decision, and you seem like a good person. Everyone makes mistakes, so don't beat yourself up about it for the rest of your life. Get past this, learn from it, and then continue to live your life. This doesn't have to be some scarlet letter you wear on your chest forever.

Will your husband hate you? He may. Will be hurt? I'm sure he will be. Will this be hard? I guarantee it will be the hardest thing you ever have to do. But it's the right thing to do, and I think that deep down you know it is.

If you need to talk about it, we're here. Be prepared that some people will rake you over the coals because you cheated, but the majority of the people will rake you over the coals, and then offer you a shoulder to lean on. So stick around. :)

[affableentropy]

I really appreciate all the words of wisdom. I know I need to hear them so badly. Thank you so much.


I have been with my husband for going on 12 years now, married for 5 of them, and we have been through an enormous amount together. I have been having an affair for almost a year now with a really great guy who swept me off my feet and continues to do so everyday, who is also 16 years older than me. As stated in my other posted question I feel awful about what is going on and I cannot stand the thought of the amount of pain my husband would feel if he knew. My problem is that I need to make a decision immediately. I can't keep living like this, I feel awful about what's going on and I need to choose one man to be with. My marriage has slowly crumbled and it's as though we have absolutely nothing in common anymore. We seem to have two completely different ideas about our goals in life and he constantly wants to fight and argue about every little thing. He can't seem to hold a civil conversation about any responsible adult life topic, he lies, he's inconsiderate and he's irresponsible with money, he's a homophobe and a racist, but he is has a great heart, he can be the nicest person, and I've never once ever worried about him cheating. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I've somehow seemed to land the most amazing, responsible, caring, man. The other man, leads a certain lifestyle that I can relate to and we have so much in common, like our goals, ideas, and certain feelings and views about things in life and the world. The other guy is so considerate, supportive, caring, smart and generally has more to offer in the way of long term happiness, although at times he can be a little full of himself, and he used to get around a lot. But nobody's perfect...
I have been with my husband for so long that it is easy for me to stay with him and continue to tolerate things about this marriage that are miserable, simply because it is really all that I know and it's comfortable, I know what to expect. But I think I may want to finally be free to give a relationship with the other man a chance. It could be incredible, but I'm so afraid that it could be the biggest mistake of my life. I tend to want to live in a fairytale, so I don't know if it's that part of me that thinks this could work out so fantastically or if it actually is logical. I need help deciding what to do: new fantastic, well rounded, wonderful man? Or skinny man child who owns a piece of my heart?

[adviceishere]

I think we all know your not going to take my advice but here it is, be single! You don't want your husband, this other "man" already knows you're a cheat and he didn't do much of an honorable thing by sleeping with a married woman! So basically your both CHEATS. If you do choose him it won't last, niether of you can be trusted. This whole affair is based on lies and secrets. You need to find your true happiness as a single woman, over lapping relationships doesn't work and jumping from one to the other doesn't work! If your feeling so guilty then end it with both of them, at least you will have you dignity back and you can then forgive yourself.

[kaka67]

Take responsibility for your actions.

You made this mess so now is the time to clean it up.

I was in a relationship where I wasn't in love with the person anymore. I loved them, but, wasn't "in love".

What did I do? I sat my partner down and told them. Obviously my partner was upset, cried etc etc but I am sure I made the right decision for both of us.

My ex-partner is now my best friend in the whole world.

The difference is that I didn't cheat. Why would I break the heart of someone I cared for?

Why did you? Its called selfishness.

So "man up" and do what you need to do. Go if you want to but don't stay because you feel guilty. He deserves better than that.

[Jake2008]

You have been given some very good advice, there is just a little I would like to add for you to consider while you are figuring out to do.

There is more consideration and respect due to your husband, rather than your lover. It is the shared commitment that needs to be addressed first, and it is far more involved and complicated emotionally, than you may think.

In other words, first things first. Because you owe your husband honesty, my advice to you is, until you have worked things out one way or the other with him, your lover and you should establish a no contact agreement, for a period, until you have established that your marriage is over, for all the right reasons.

Give your husband enough respect, to at least come to terms with you, before you resume a relationship with any man. He may wish to address the issues, attend counselling, talk things through, etc. he will most certainly be the victim of some fallout because of your actions. Please allow him the time to adjust to the news he needs to hear, before you continue with your lover.

I'm not so sure that any man who would have an affair with a married woman, is worth the effort to be honest with you. Had he had any character at all, married women should have been off limits. What kind of man would do this to another man...

I don't know if there are children involved here, or if your lover is married, or if he also has children. I'm sorry, but I have the feeling you are looking for love in all the wrong places, and perhaps its right under your nose.

[Devorameira]

If you really care about your husband you need to set him free.

If you were miserable in your marriage you should have sought counseling and divorced if the problems were not fixable, not bedded another man. Cheating is never the answer.

Also, don't depend on the man you are having an affair with to be there after the divorce. He may only be there for the chase... and really doesn't want to catch you. He already knows that you are untrustworthy, so there's a pretty good chance he'll move on.

[talaniman]

Spare me the excuses. Plain and simple if you were as concerned with your husbands feelings as you claim, you would never have cheated. At least you can be honest with YOURSELF, if not with others.

But you made this mess, and would like an easy painless way out. There is none, and you have wronged your husband and now must be honest, and come clean, and give him the same choices that you had, to stay or leave, and that's what you are afraid of, him kicking you to the curb, and the other fellow not wanting you.

Its hard doing the right thing, and doing the wrong thing was easy, wasn't it? Do the right thing, and be willing to pay the consequences.

[hmsrendezvous]

Jeez You sure did land a bunch of right wingers with these responses. Can I go to confession now? It's like talking bad about someone when you know your mom is listening. You never say what you are really thinking.

Did you make a commitment to your husband... yeah. If the world was black and white- you are a whore. Let's stone you. But maybe everything is not black and white. Maybe this other guy slipped into a void in your life that existed... because you stopped trying in your marriage. Because he stopped trying in your marriage. Because you both just got lazy. Maybe you are comfortable and bored. Maybe you changed and your husband didn't. Maybe he changed and you haven't. Maybe you both have.

I think marriage is un unrealistic institution. I get it for the raising of a child. They form best in an "family" framework. But to promise that you will grow old with someone given all the ways you are going to change? We should be pledging to always be friends and be lovers and partners as long ad the road is mutually giving. That's what we mean isn't it? Be Honest with yourself. Are we saying that when we get married, no matter how foreign you become to me, no matter how much I feel like I am living alone with a stranger- let's stick it out. He HAVE TO stick it out?

If you find love with someone, question it. Is it just newness? Or are you satisfying a hole in your life that will never be filled by the status quo. Are you trying as much in your marriage as with your new relationship? Maybe you are. Be fair to the old, but critical.

Your Sunday School audience can feel free to throw stones.