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Focuex · Mar 21, 2011, 08:40 PM

My soon to be ex husband is someone I will probably never understand but can't stop trying to?? Long story short after 1 year of long distance dating and 5 years of marriage... I've finally had enough and filed for divorce. We had a VERY volatile relationship with him being the narcissistic, manipulative man while I was the quick tempered angry woman with reason! I spent 5 years fighting and trying to understand why he always put other women in front of me. Mainly his mother and ex-girlfriend! I even took him back after he established a romantic relationship with someone I thought was a friend! This happened during a separation but I still wonder how I could take someone back after doing such a thing. I couldn't break away from the image of family that we did share with our two children. When things were good, they were great!

Now after breaking my heart on my birthday this year and telling me he wanted a divorce I find out that he is living with his girlfriend who is 13 years younger than him. Needless to say I have had enough and although it took several months for me to stop hating him I am still hurt! Allegedly he started dating her a month after we split?? Anyway, my point is for someone that wanted out but didn't want to file/pay for the divorce $335 in total whenever I attempt to communicate about our children he ignores me. He schedules time with my grandmother who provides childcare for our children when he wants to see them. He wants absolutely nothing to do with me! Is it his guilt, his hatred toward me, or what?? I would like us to be friends and put out marriage behind us as I have but it kills me to feel like this man even during a divorce treat me as if I did something wrong! Granted my reactions to adultery, betrayal was nothing nice... the nerve??

grammadidi · Mar 21, 2011, 10:01 PM

Maybe he just doesn't want to hurt you? Regardless, if your relationship is over, it makes sense to have no contact. That way neither of you make another mistake. If he is arranging visitation with the kids that's a positive thing and it will probably be easier on not only you and your ex, but also on the kids. Despite his shortcomings, he's probably doing the right thing.

Try to let it all go. Anger, bitterness, regret, pain... it cripples you and prevents you from moving on. Appreciate that you don't have to deal with him anymore and count your blessings. It sounds like your relationship with him was volatile so the best thing is to remain distanced from each other. It will be difficult at first, but soon it will be just a part of your past life. It's time for you to learn and grow past all of this so you don't keep repeating your mistakes while feeling better about yourself and life in general. Concentrate on the positive and remember that there are better times ahead. Remember, too, that you are setting an example for your children. Teach them what you would like to see them do in similar circumstances.

Try to let go of your anger. You say you have, but your words indicate you haven't. Regardless, it seems clear that for now there is no way you two can remain friends. Frankly, if he is narcissistic, manipulative, uncaring, uncommunicative and jumps into relationships so quickly (not to mention that your relationship is volatile at best) why would you want to have a friendship with him? Concentrate upon making your life happier in your own right and all of you will be happier.

Hugs, Didi

Focuex · Mar 22, 2011, 03:22 AM

Thanks for your reply Didi! You have given me new perspective on my situation. I keep telling myself that I'm no longer angry but I am. :-/ I'm not as angry as I was 4 months ago but there is still some lingering. To often think of all the things I did and sacrificed for him and our family it's just angers me to think how someone that was supposed to love me hurt me so bad.

I think the reason I say I want to be friends is because of my children. Especially my 5 year old. She often asks me why me and her father never see each other and tells me how she wants us to get back together. I feel the least we can do is show them that we can still be civil toward each other and communicate. Obviously although I can and am willing, he's not.

It's sad but reality and as you suggested, I'll continue to live and grow from this experience!

grammadidi · Mar 22, 2011, 07:41 AM

Good for you! I am thinking that as time goes on and you heal and grow that there may come a time that you can be friendlier towards each other, but everything is just too raw right now. As for your children, in a perfect world you and your ex would be together and the volatility would not be there. Or perhaps you would be apart and great friends for the sake of the kids. There are all different ways to see things. Mommy and Daddy just don't have a healthy relationship together but they both love the kids so very much. So, Daddy will keep visiting with them at Great Gramma's and Mommy will look after them in between the visits. Almost every child (even many adult ones) want their parents to get back together. It's a normal reaction when your world changes to want it back the way it was. The happier you become and the older your kids get, the more they will realize that life is good this way. The longing may continue, because of course it's the best thing to have a happy home AND two loving parents. However, having a happy home and 2 loving parents living apart can be even better!

Is there any chance you could see a therapist to help you through this? I think you can do it without, but healing is usually easier (and faster) when you have an impartial 3rd party to bounce thoughts & ideas off, guide you around mistakes and to provide emotional support. Be strong. The growth and happiness you attain will be so worth it!

Hugs, Didi

Focuex · Mar 22, 2011, 09:54 AM

Thanks Grammadidi! You have provided me with very sound advice and I appreciate it! Honestly this is the best I've felt about the entire situation. During times when I was acting out my anger I was seeing a therapist who helped me a great deal. I took him back and he convinced me I didn't need "help" shortly after we were fighting again. Most recently I was seeing a therapist but I didn't feel she was assisting me with what I needed help with (my emotions). I stopped seeing her and I've been doing well actually. I just have those days where I think about my situation and it makes me angry and sometimes happy. I know it's all a process and things will definitely get better.

I really enjoy receiving feedback and getting peoples outlook. I took a chance at joining this site and I'm glad I did. Thank you!