[MS_Fireball]

After an abusive marriage, therapy and three years I am back with my husband. We separated in NOv. 2007 and in Feb. 2009 he had another child.. After being together since 2000 he had another child from a female he already had a child with when I met him. I don't know how to get over this . I've taken him back but I don't know if I can deal with all of this... What can I do ?

[grammadidi]

It sounds like you may have taken your husband back before you had actually come to terms with the past problems in the relationship. I'm not sure how long you've been back together, or what form of therapy was involved but I do feel that the best thing for you is to go together to 'couples counseling'. If you can't come to some sort of resolution after 4 to 6 sessions then I think you need to a) find another therapist (not that the one you have isn't any good, but you may need a different TYPE of therapy; or b) revisit whether the decision to be back with your husband is the right one for you both at this time.

Don't forget - communication is key is any solid relationship. It is important to talk to your husband about how you are feeling and involve him in the problem solving process. Also remember not to make this about you or him - but about the relationship itself. Try to concentrate on the good parts of your relationship since you got back together rather than negative things from the past. If you focus on the past or on the negative your life will be negative. The power of positive thinking is very real so if you seek positive things you will feel much happier.

Do try to remember that you and your husband were separated at the time he was with the other woman, and it is quite normal that he would go back to a woman he had previously been with. People often reach out to a past relationship when if their present relationship ends. It's human nature to seek out the familiar so try not to take it personally. If he has actively participated in therapy and is treating you properly then try to remember that he has done what he needed to do to earn your trust and respect and that is a lot more than many abusive husband's do.

I believe that as long as you have the help of a therapist to keep you both focused upon keeping the lines of communication open, dealing with your feelings (while keeping the relationship as the primary focus) and trying to think positive you can quickly get past this and start building the kind of marriage that you both desire.

Good luck!

Hugs, Didi

[talaniman]

Once you made the decision to get back with him, you made a commitment to working through all these issues you are faced with. I can understand your fears, given the situation, but you have to face them, and resolve them. TOGETHER. Difficult yes, with plenty of work ahead for you both for sure. Focus on the goals, and not just the obstacles.

[FLICKER689]

hello ms fireball, as i read your note over an over im come to an concluison you don't deserve this no woman dose i was in an abusive relationship for 5 years mentally n physically in out hospital on meds. I got feed up for my own opinion if your man has the nerve to run back to his x an have another kid after what you all went through is a selfish man after all. But i don't know him nor you personally so here the best i got its not your responsiblilty to deal with his mistakes nor do you deserve to deal with it if i was you step up be a woman and get out of it if it didn't work the frist time it wasn't meant to be yes faith will bring you back blah blah! Its not faith or destiny that brought you to back together, it was guilt and that satasfaction of being stuck to someone for so long you can't see yourself with someone else so you find yourself back in their arms, i may be wrong but from what i can tell its time you found happiness in less stress in only you can do that sweety so i hope for you the best an let me know how things are going if you like