[dancerintherain]

Ok, I know that you may think it is stupid to break up with somebody when both have strong feelings for each other. Well, I did that about two weeks ago. I was certain that it was right when I took the decision, but now I'm not sure. I really need your opinion about this.

Me and my ex-boyfriend have been together for about two years. We had an amazing time together, especially because he was my first and I was his first, too, but six months ago we began to be cold with each other for no reason. We both acted like everything was OK, hoping that the other one will solve this matter, but no one did. At the beginning of the year we started to talk over and we both wanted to make it right. I think it took us about two or three weeks until we finished this discussion about things we didn't like and wanted to change, but at least, we made up. We decided to try to talk more open with each other and to date/meet more often. Everything was OK again, but I don't know what happened to me. I should have been happy, but I was crying, I was afraid of what could happen in the future (a break-up, a violent end, problems with his parents, my parents, our teachers, who told us not to have relationships in the same class), I was afraid of him (he has unpredictable behaviour when gets angry) and what will happen to him (his disposition depends on our relationship, and so does mine, but when we had that though period he started to take soporifics and to have bad quarrels with his parents). You know, it was a huge pressure, because it was not the first time we didn't understand and I was certain that a postponed break-up would be more hurtful. I told him about what I was feeling (as I promised to always do that) and he said that if I am not happy him with him, it's ok; I must say that he almost convinced me, but I knew it wasn't that way. However, I didn't want to break up with him after all we've been through. I should say that I was ill (I couldn't eat, sleep, learn, do anything) throughout the period we talked over and even after we made up, but he helped me get better. When things seemed to get better again, I received a suprinsing message from him saying that he doesn't want to talk to me, nor see me any more for a while. I was extremely confused and when I asked him what was going on, he told me that he was sorry for that, and he was surprised too, that he had no regrets until I called him. Then he told me that if we weren't in the same class, if he weren't supposed to see me everyday, it would have been easier, that there's nothing more to do, that we've tried so many things and everything failed. At least, I understood that he was not content of how we talked at school (but honestly, I did my best to make him feel comfortable), so I begged him to give me two more days to make it up (that was Wednesday). And he did. The next day, we didn't talk at all (because he didn't want to) and asked me out in the afternoon. He told me the same bad-things he had told when we quarreled and asked me why I tried to make him change his mind (about breaking up). Then I realised that it really was in vain to struggle any more, because I did my best to make things work, but I always failed. I felt like nothing I'd do was going to reach his expectations, that he strongly wanted to get rid of me, but he didn't wanted to be the one who was supposed to say it. For me, it was just an endless fight that I would have never (or almost never) won, so asked him to break up. Of course, he was sorry for telling me that and asked me to change my mind, but I was steady. The next day (Friday), we talked at school and guess what: he told me that it was exactly what he wanted from me, but I didn't want to change my mind. I thought there would be no point in doing that, as long as I don't feel OK. Maybe I am selfish thinking like this, but for the last 9 months I'm having therapy to overcome shyness and I almost succeeded. Well, he is afraid of this "new me", he has even told me that he doesn't recognise me, it is like he needs to feel more powerful when talking to me, and that implies my staying lonely in a dark bottom waiting for him (like I used to be in the beginning of our reltionship). Generally, he doesn't like talking to many people because he sees only their shortcomings, but I don't think that I should think the same. Moreover, my parents are not content of my results and always push me to apply myself more to study. I told him about this so many times and he seemed to understand me, but I need more time to manage with everything that implies school-work. One more reason that made me stay stiff was the fact that we are teenagers (17 years old) and this is a hard period, we easily change our minds, our views, everything, so, it is quite hard to always be how the others wants you to.

Now, that I'm writing and remembering the whole story and not only the beautiful moments that we shared or could share, I believe that I made the right decision, but later, I know won't think the same, so please, tell me if I did wrong or right, because I got ill again and I'm getting worse. I really am sorry for what happened and I'm blaming myself more and more often for this. I just want to know if it is worthwhile.

I'm sorry for writing so much, I tried to make it short.