[messiah80]

I am 26 and am currently dating this girl who is 20, she lives at home w/ parents and goes to college, we have been dating for 2 months. The problem is she grew up kind of tomboyish and the majority of her friends are single males (19-28 yrs old). Recently she took one of them out to dinner while I was at work and spent most of the day alone with him at her house while her parents were at work, so the thought of my girlfriend and another 24 yr old single guy alone at her house really troubles me. (Guess cause I know what I do when I'm alone with her lol) She said it was nothing, the guy doesn't have much money and she felt sorry for him, and said "I told him not to flirt with me because I have a B/F, he hasn't flirted with me since I was 18", it bothers me because she hangs out with her male friends alone at their houses or hers and goes out to the movies and dinner and stuff alone with them, never inviting me, always when I'm at work or late at night when I'm asleep and she's at home "bored".
I had a talk with her about it and she said she wouldn't be with them at their house or hers alone anymore, she'd only go out to public places with them, and it made me feel kind of like an a$$hole talking to her because she grew up only knowing male friends, maybe 3 or 4 females, so going to the movies or out to eat with male friends is OK to her, but I believe that's something you shouldn't do if you're in a relationship, I view it as like a date if you're going out to eat and to the movies alone with the opposite sex, that's stuff we should be doing. But yeah, I've been kind of jealous lately because of all that and am really thinking about ending this relationship because the jealousy makes me feel miserable! But I've known this girl for 3 years off and on and have really fallen for her, she's all I can think about anymore and makes me completely happy when I am with her but miserable when I am not, I would like to stay with her, is there any advice someone can give me on this? Was it right for me to talk to her about going out with friends? Is she wrong for doing it? Am I being way too jealous?

[Synnen]

Well... if you've known her for 3 years, you must know these friends too.

If she's NOT introducing her friends to you--that's a problem.

If she is, and you're just upset that she's doing things with guy friends that you want her to be doing only with you, you have to ask yourself if you'd be okay with it if it were a female friend.

I, too, have mostly guy friends. I always have. The thought of doing anything romantic with those guys gives me the same ick feeling I'd get when thinking of doing something romantic with my brother.

If it would make you feel better that she only hang out in public with them, and she's okay with that... that seems like a good compromise to me.

[messiah80]

I have known her off and on for 3 years, but we talked on the phone and online in those 3 years more than I've actually seen and hung out with her, I was living in a different state at the time, and I moved back here maybe 8 months ago, and we started talking and then 6 months later were dating. I don't know her friends, I only know some of their names, and yes her going out to dinner or the movies with a female would ease my mind more than her going out with a guy I don't know. Mainly because she's really naïve and ADD ( on medicine for it, and she isn't herself when she's off her meds, she misses doses alot) I don't want males taking advantage of that and talking her into doing stuff, but then again I only worry because I don't know the people she goes out with. I don't worry that she is cheating on me, just worry that someone could take advantage of her. Perhaps if I knew them then I wouldn't be so worried or paranoid.

[Synnen]

THAT makes perfect sense to me!

Maybe you could ask her to have some times where you could hang out with her friends too? That might ease BOTH of your minds :)

[Shell_Lee]

Well, I am a girl that also has many male friends (I'm 24) Actually, most all of my friends are guys (I just don't get along with a lot of girls) I go out to eat with my friends that are guys and to the movies with them without my boyfriend. My boyfriends OK with that too. Why? Because he knows all of my friends. You should ask your girlfriend if you could meet her friends. If she has a problem with that, then you REALLY have a problem! Don't be jealous just because she has friends that are guys. Especially if she has known them longer than you!

[messiah80]

She hasn't known them longer then me, a couple she has dated in the past she told me (2 from last year), and this new guy she just started talking to on the phone is a guy she just met in her art class when this semester started, last week I think, I do not have any female friends, nor do I go out and try to make female friends to hang out with when I am in a relationship, I understand the friends she has had for years, but not ex boyfriends and new guys she meets, I told her I was going to make some new female friends and she threw a fit lol, it's one of those double standard things, I can do it but you can't. I feel kind of stupid sometimes for being jealous, and she tells me I shouldn't be, but sometimes I feel it's justified because some of the friends she has dated in the past, and it's not just jealousy it's also me worrying every time she tells me she's going to "Joe" or "Jake's" house at 9 PM to watch a movie or play games alone with them, because of the ADD thing, missing her medicine a lot and her being so naïve and easily taken advantage of and I don't know these guys at the moment. So I spend more time worrying about her than I do enjoying the relationship, I really would like to keep this girl because I have totally fallen for her and I've never felt this in love before, but I am starting to wonder if it's worth all this misery, it eats me up inside, I just ended a 5 year relationship only 4 months ago because my girlfriend at the time was seeing someone else behind my back (actually a couple of people over a 4 year period) and I'm still suffering from the insecurity and depression her cheating and the breakup caused, perhaps meeting and getting to know these friends will make me feel a whole lot better, or maybe I jumped into this relationship too soon and should have waited longer to get over my previous one, I just don't like feeling like this, but thanks for taking the time to read my question and giving me advice, greatly appreciated! :)

[Melissa6-11-76]

Well, I could see why you are paranoid. I don't think from what you have written, that you have recovered from your previous relationship. There is s/thing you have not recognized. There is quite an age difference between the two of you. Has is occurred to you that she is using this ADD thing and being naïve to her advantage? If I were in a relationship and didn't know his female friends, I would be very suspicios. In addition, men and women can be friends. Most people who are in a relationship introduce friends of the opposite sex to their parter to AVOID all of this confusion that you are feeling. Now that being said, because of you previous relationship issues that you haven't resolved, they are trickleing over into this one. I hope this helps you think about this issue from a different perspective.

[confused_guy]

I'm in a kind of similar situation, man. I see this post is a little older, what ended up happening because of it?

[AKaeTrue]

Yes, what happened? I want to know too...

[Tikum]

I am 26 and am currently dating this girl who is 20, she lives at home w/ parents and goes to college, we have been dating for 2 months. The problem is she grew up kind of tomboyish and the majority of her friends are single males (19-28 yrs old). Recently she took one of them out to dinner while I was at work and spent most of the day alone with him at her house while her parents were at work, so the thought of my gf and another 24 yr old single guy alone at her house really troubles me. (Guess cause I know what I do when I'm alone with her lol) She said it was nothing, the guy doesn't have much money and she felt sorry for him, and said "I told him not to flirt with me because I have a B/F, he hasn't flirted with me since I was 18", it bothers me because she hangs out with her male friends alone at their houses or hers and goes out to the movies and dinner and stuff alone with them, never inviting me, always when I'm at work or late at night when I'm asleep and she's at home "bored".
I had a talk with her about it and she said she wouldn't be with them at their house or hers alone anymore, she'd only go out to public places with them, and it made me feel kind of like an a$$hole talking to her because she grew up only knowing male friends, maybe 3 or 4 females, so going to the movies or out to eat with male friends is ok to her, but I believe thats something you shouldn't do if you're in a relationship, I view it as like a date if you're going out to eat and to the movies alone with the opposite sex, that's stuff we should be doing. But yeah, I've been kinda jealous lately because of all that and am really thinking about ending this relationship because the jealousy makes me feel miserable! But I've known this girl for 3 years off and on and have really fallen for her, she's all I can think about anymore and makes me completely happy when I am with her but miserable when I am not, I would like to stay with her, is there any advice someone can give me on this? Was it right for me to talk to her about going out with friends? Is she wrong for doing it? Am I being way too jealous?

messiah80,

I believe your problem ought to be traced back to the roots, so to speak, in order to avoid any surface-level treatment which would simply be tantamount to papering over the cracks. I have some suggestions for you. However, in order to proceed, I would like you to tell me your astrological sign and that of your g/f. I will then be better placed to advise you. It doesn't matter if you don't believe in astrology. I have worked in the field for many years as an astro-counsellor, especially during the many years I spent in Britain.

Best Regards.

Tikum

[talaniman]

Hi guy, Relax as she is doing exactly what a young female should be doing enjoying her youth and friends, and to tell the truth so should you. Until you both have decided on exclusively dating each other, then your as free as she is. I think the problem is she has fun without you and you can't. So dude shake it up, and get a life you enjoy without her and worry less about her life and more about yours. You need balance and need to be happy without her and I'm sure you could then see where she is doing her thing, and be able to respect that about her. You can better care for others if you care for yourself. So do talk and get to know each other better and slowly and have fun. I think you put way too much in her than she puts in you, as she has a life she enjoys without you, thats exactly what you need.