[Spontaneouslemon]

So I live with my single mom. My mom is very financially unstable. Every month she needs to borrow money from people including me. She's constantly stressing about paying the bills, but she doesn't do a single thing to change her stressful situation! We live in an apartment that she can't afford, but she doesn't want to live in a "low class" apartment. So she would rather stress about rent and live here than live in a small shabby apartment that she could more easily afford. We have the most expensive phone line, we have a big screen TV that she keeps turned on when she leaves, she leaves all of the lights on all the time so the electricity bill is always high, and she always orders take-out (I'm constantly turning all of these things off behind her, in case you were wondering.. ). Did I mention that she works as a masseuse, and therefore has a couple of shifts during the week but is otherwise always at home. Also, our house looks like a tornado hit, it's so incredibly messy, the dishes are always dirty which she does on occasion (I do mine right after I eat so none of it is mine, nor is the mess cause I'm rarely in the living room), she does my little brother's homework with him late at night just cause she's busy talking on the phone or watching TV, and brings him his lunch to school late cause she doesn't prepare it for him in the morning. Also, we never have any food in the fridge other than maybe the basics and whenever I ask why we never have food in the fridge she snaps at me and tells me to go grocery shopping myself. Which I do, whenever I can afford to.

Okay, now half of this is just me ranting. My whole problem with all of this is that my mom expects me to help her financially, which I do. I pay for the phone bill which is currently almost $300 a month cause I'm making up for my mom's past late payments, and I buy the groceries. I don't mind helping out it's just that I have so much to pay for not to mention that I plan on moving on asap (I just can't stand being around any of this anymore). I understand that my mom wants me to help her but I can't help but feel like it's completely unfair. She is choosing not to have a 9 to 5 job (she has a degree so she could), she's choosing to get the most expensive of everything, so why do I have to suffer the consequences? I'm a student, and I'm juggling 3 separate jobs so that I can afford to pay all of my bills as well as move out. I'm never home cause I'm constantly working. It drives me crazy that I work this hard and have to help out my mom when she's at home all day stressing out and reading rather than working to make money. I mean the least she could do is clean the house or do the dishes if she's going to be home all day!

I'm completely torn, because she is my mom. I love her and I want the best for her. I wish she didn't have to stress about money but at this point I can't help but feel like it isn't my responsibility. If she were working and doing everything she could to afford her bills but still couldn't, I would by all means understand that she needs my help, but that just isn't the case.

It's difficult for me to afford all of my bills and at the same time help her with hers, so I told her I could only afford to give her $200/month and I'll do the grocery shopping. To me, this is more than fair (I'm 21, and the only person I know who helps her mom with bills rather than the other way around) but to her, I'm being selfish.

What.
Am.
I.
Supposed.
To.
DO!?

I, on so many occasions, have wanted to lay this all out to her cause maybe she doesn't realize how ridiculous this all is. But I know she'll get really upset. And I'm pretty sure she wouldn't listen to half of what I'm saying. Do I do it anyway?

Any help is appreciated. I'm literally pulling the hairs out of my HEAD!!

[Alty]

This is a tough situation.

As an adult still living at home I have to say that it is fair for you to pay rent (not all the rent, but rent to cover your room) and some of the bills (but those bills should be based on normal services, not upgrades), and pay for your own food, and only your own food.

At the same time I completely understand where you're coming from, and I don't think it's right that you work 3 jobs, and go to school, while your mom sits at home and does nothing.

When do you plan on moving out? Once you do your mother is going to have to grow up and get a better job, as she won't be able to afford to live on her own without your support.

You're not being selfish. Not at all. If you're paying a decent amount in order to live there, then she can't expect more then that. If she wants a phone with all the bells and whistles, wants a big screen TV, can't be responsible enough to turn off the lights etc. then she's going to have to pay the price for all those luxuries.

I'm more worried about your brother. What will happen to him when you move out? Your mom definitely won't be able to afford the lifestyle she's living now, and she doesn't seem to be responsible enough to take care of a child. How old is your brother? Is he able to fend for himself, because that's what it's going to boil down to once you leave.

[jenniepepsi]

I have to say, it is possibly time for you to get your own place, with 3 jobs you could afford it, and, for some people, even adults, a harsh thrust into reality is sometimes needed.

I too would be concerned about your brother though. When and if you decide to get your own place, keep tabs on your mom. visit, spend time with her. But don't help her with bills. Make her realise that she needs to change. If she does not, and she ends up in trouble because of it, you may want to consider the safety of your brother, and possibly file for temp costody of him if that is possible for you, until your mother can get her stuff together.

[Jake2008]

You and your mother are both adults. And as such, are responsible for the decisions each of you make.

If her decisions include being under employed, or allowing herself to make bad choices, and live a lifestyle that she doesn't have to , but chooses to, those are all decisions she is entitled to make.

It is your decision on the other hand, to allow yourself to be in a position where you feel you are being taken advantage of (right or wrong). While I'm sure you would help out with a proportionate amount of financial contribution for your share of living expenses, it is still a choice as to how much you are willing and able to pay.

Your mother can't be blamed for you taking on the role of an equal, it too, is a choice you made.

You cannot force change on your mother, nor can you keep negotiating your contribution, or keep picking up the slack.

I think it is important for you to realize that, while difficult to understand, you need to try to see her as a capable adult. If she chooses not to exercise her ability to provide a better life for herself, or chooses to instead rely on you (or someone else), her choices, don't necessarily mean that you are obligated in any way. It's not up to you to figure out why she does the things she does, or makes the choices she makes.

If your goal is to move out, then start making arrangements to do so, including telling your mother, your plan. Allow enough time for her to adjust to the idea that you will no longer be contributing to her household, because you will be responsible for your own. Until you move, tell her that you will fairly provide your share of money for living with her as far as all the utilities you use. Let her know that when you do move, that you will no longer be able to contribute to supporting her.

And then stick to it. While you may feel that you are pointing out the obvious, she needs to hear it, and it is fair, because you have allowed this to go on so long, to give her enough time to adjust and prepare for the day when you will no longer be there.

She may wish to have a boarder in, or she may choose to move, or realize that she needs a better job. Whatever she decides to do, is up to her. But she will have to take the responsibility for herself, and do what she needs to do.

You on the other hand, are not responsible to make sure her bills are paid and that she is financially stable, etc. As an adult, that is squarely on her shoulders, and you have to allow her to live her own life, and make her own way.

So, bottom line, set some boundaries with her, let her know with as much notice as possible when you plan to move out, and don't negotiate. Let the parenting you are doing for your mother come to an end, and allow her to grow up. Sounds strange, but she needs to grow up.

If you don't set some expectations, and follow through with a reasonable plan to prepare her, you are not also preparing yourself, to back away, be on your own, and living your own life. You simply won't be able to support her, and support yourself at the same time. Nor should you be expected to.

Best of luck to you.

[DoulaLC]

The tables have turned and you have taken on more of a parental role while she is more like an adolescent. Has this been ongoing or relatively new? Is she in good health? Ever been diagnosed with depression?

Since you are an adult, and have been thrust into the responsibilities of an adult, I would set aside a time to have a chat with her about how the household has been run.
Document everything that you can... each monthly bill, where extras are being paid for, household income, etc.. Sit down with her to go over it and let her know things are going to have to change. I would take a lead role in it since she isn't, nor will she likely do so unless forced to do so.

Work out a couple of realistic budgets to go over with her. Together decide where you can cut back, what are needs and what are wants.

Present it all as a way of lowering the tremendous stress she has been under. Let her know that "she" doesn't have to do it all and that you and your brother don't need all the extras. Tell her that it would actually be a much better lesson for you and your brother to learn to live within your means. Tell her that you want to help her to not have to deal with so much stress. By presenting it as your effort to help make things easier for her, and that you appreciate all that she has been doing for you and your brother, she is less likely to take offense to your proposals.

[Spontaneouslemon]

Thank you guys for all of the advice, I really appreciate it. I've attempted at a few conversations with my mom, but with no progress. We got into another argument about a bill she should have paid and insisted I needed to pay. My mom is just not the type to sit down and talk. I've written letters to her, I've sat her down. I'm a very reasonable, and rational person so I know the problem isn't in the way that I'm approaching her. I'm not attacking her in any way. Anyway, I've given up on trying to make us work. My mom is close to impossible to communicate with, and she doesn't have any desire to understand what I'm going through. I told her that I would help with the phone bill, and I'd pay for her car insurance since it's linked to mine. She's still not satisfied. I'm saving up to move out as soon as I possibly can, but I'm not financially ready just yet to make the leap. I want to make sure I have money saved just in case I need it as a safety net. As for my brother, I'm not worried about his safety. My mom did a good job in raising me, she's not negligent in a way that would be a danger to my brother, she's just going through some sort of weird crisis. I don't really know what she's going through, but she doesn't have a set structure for my brother when it comes to homework, bedtime, dinner, etc,. which can be frustrating. But she's also always been like that. He has structure with his step-dad who has joint custody so at least he's getting it somewhere. He's 8 year's old, so he's pretty young but old enough to fend for himself in most circumstances.
So there's that! I've realized that I am an adult, and my mom doesn't necessarily know best, which was difficult for me to process. I was so used to sort of complying to everything my mom ever said and told me to do that I never thought of completely distancing myself as an individual and making my own choices without an ounce of her consent. I'm looking forward to living on my own!

Thanks again for all of your help!