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ey81081 · Feb 8, 2011, 08:48 PM

Me and my girlfriend started dating about two and half years ago, and because of this I lost one of my best friends who always had a spot in his heart for her. About one month ago, me and my girlfriend finally parted ways on civil terms, and I begged and pleaded with her to promise me one thing, which was to not go back to this guy and hookup with him, or if she was going to, to at least give me a few months. Anyway I went out this weekend, and as if the breakup was not hard enough for me already, because I truly do love this girl with all my heart, I see her dancing with my ex best friend, and I found out yesterday that she actually ****ed him. She goes to school out of town now, but she literally came into town, had no intentions of seeing me and ****ed this guy that I begged her not to. I told her she could have any other guy and I wouldn't mind but it had to be him. I don't know what I did to deserve this, I don't understand how she could be so heartless and not care about my feelings at all after two amazing years. Also I do not know if ill be able to contain myself if I see this guy in school or anywhere else because he still lives in my city. I need some serious help dealing with all this pain. The thought of those two ****ing, literally one month after we broke up just kills me. Please help me. I told her everyday since we've broken up that I loved her and I alawys checked up on her, and for her to do this to me is just unfathomable and I feel like it's the worst thing she could have done. I do not want to enter a downwards spiral into depression. Please somebody help me cope with this.

Cat1864 · Feb 8, 2011, 09:20 PM

This wil probably seem very harsh.

Time to face reality. She is not your girlfriend anymore and he is not your friend. They are free to do whatever they want whenever they want. Neither of them have to answer to you no matter how much you think they should.

You may have broken up with her, but it sounds like you are still trying to hold on to her. It is very telling that you got upset because she came back 'in town' not to see you, but to do her own thing. As much as you proclaim otherwise, I don't think you would be okay if she met someone else.

Is she okay with this:

I told her everyday since we've broken up that I loved her and I alawys checked up on her

Has she tried nicely telling you to let go and leave her alone? Did she make promises to get you to back off?

You need to go No Contact (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-510423.html.) That means have absolutely NO contact of any type with her. You don't instigate. You don't accept. You ignore. You delete. You de-friend her on any social networking sites you might have her as a friend. You do not allow anyone to give you updates on what she is doing, etc. You end the confusion of thinking you still have any say in her life by fully letting go.

Get out. Get involved in new things. Meet new people. Make new friends. Get involved in old interests such as hobbies or sports that you have let slide over the past couple of years. Stop living her life and live your own.

BBKittyKat · Feb 9, 2011, 02:54 AM

She is no longer your girlfriend and u need to stop obsessing about who she hangs out/ sleeps with.

You may think that she is doing this deliberately, but I don't think any girl would hook up with her ex's ex best friend on purpose. UNLESS, u did something to really piss her off and she is trying to spite u. But since u say u are still on civil terms, it appears that she has gone on to live her life, and u should live yours too. You should stop over-thinking that she is deliberately trying to hurt u. There is no reason for her to do that.

If u really loved her, u would wish her well, no matter who she ends up with. But if u can't accept the fact that she's seeing your ex best friend, take Cat1864's advice. Go NC. Get her out of your life.

Sorry if we sound harsh. The fact that you came to this website to seek help rather than going on a rampage proves that u still have some self-control. Life is unfair. **** happens. And people u love may end up with people u hate. All these are not within our control. It is solely their choice. And if you can't take this in your stride, the road down the future will be an even rockier one. U can choose to sink into depression and wallow in your sorrows. Even the best counsellor won't be able to help u. OR u can choose to take the higher ground. If she was someone u loved dearly before, wish her happiness. Accept that she is no longer your girlfriend, and find happiness in your own life without her.

Good luck! I wish u all the best.

P.S. We are always here for u :)

talaniman · Feb 9, 2011, 07:56 AM

You are the ex, and what she does is none of your business. And its plain crazy to be depressed because a female doesn't do what you want her too, the way you want her too, when you want her to.

How about leaving them alone, and get your own life.

answerme_tender · Feb 9, 2011, 08:14 AM

We give our advice on this site because we have also experienced heart wrenching breakups. Our breaksups to us were just as devastating as the one you are going through. Yes, some of us have even found out that our ex's have moved on to new ground without even skipping a beat.

The bottom line is that is their choice to do so, it's their lives and as much as our hearts are breaking we have ABSOLUTELY NO say in their lives --period. Yes, its harsh and yes its painful to accept, but that is just reality. Now, lets also be honest, I cannot believe that you have never walked away from a relationship! The person you walked away from was just as heart broken in her own way as you are now. How we experience grief is individual.

So with that all said, its time for you to get your nose out of her business and remember that those 2years were NOT as a amazing as you think, otherwise you would still be together. Like any relationships there are ups and downs, and for whatever reason she couldn't handle the downs. So take your time and mourn your loss, then get yourself picked up and move on with YOUR life. Your life is the only one that you need to worry about!!

Im not saying to get right back into a relationship, rebounds are pretty shallow experiences. Oh, and one more thing, guess is her rebound!! Back to be thoughful here, um oh make sure when you go out stay away from areas that she might be in until you can handle it better. Go work out, and keep working out until you get tired enough that you can sleep without dwelling!! This is time to work on yourself, do something new, take a class,volunteer, to scubba diving (watch out for sharks)--just get out!!

Take care

ey81081 · Feb 9, 2011, 03:05 PM

Thank you all very much for the advice. The one thing that's really bothering me at this point is that I just picture her having sex with him, and picture them hooking up and it just kills me. I don't know how to stop thinking about this. If he was better than I was? If she enjoyed it more? All those questions are just stinging me. Which is making this a lot harder to deal with.

talaniman · Feb 9, 2011, 03:09 PM

Let them sting, and go do something good for yourself.

answerme_tender · Feb 9, 2011, 03:29 PM

Oh for the love that's all you can think about if she is comparing you in the sex department--REALLY!! Let me ask you this, if and when you have another woman in your life would you waste your time comparing her to other women you have been with or just enjoy the experience of being with her. The same with your ex--she isn't bothering comparing, she has made her choice and is satisfied with that.

ey81081 · Feb 9, 2011, 03:48 PM

Thanks for all the advice.

Cat1864 · Feb 9, 2011, 04:06 PM

The more you allow yourself to focus on thoughts of her the less you are focused on yourself and your own life. So you change the focus.

You need to be involved in things that you enjoy. It might take some experimenting to find those things, but what doesn't work out will be step closer to knowing more about yourself and what you want.

BBKittyKat · Feb 10, 2011, 09:04 PM

I don't know if this works for u, but it worked for me...

My boyfriend cheated on me, and everyday I would dream of him going into the other girl's embrace and having sex with her. And I totally dreaded seeing them being intimate together. But someone told me "as long as u don't see him, he is out of your life. what's remaining are only thoughts of him. it's all in your imagination. ur mind controls ur imagination. u can imagine a pink elephant, and u can imagine it away. similarly, u can imagine them together, and u can imagine them away."

The step is simple (THINK of something else), but the act (THINKING of something else) isn't! As with everything, practice makes perfect. I let the pain sting me for a while. For an entire week I had sleepless nights and fearful days. But each time I told myself "he's just in my imagination. y am i thinking of him? think of something else" and then I go on and think of something else. Even if for a minute. That single distracting thought does ease the pain. And day by day, I thought about them less and less. I still think of HIM, but not THEM.

This will be a tough time for u. stay strong.