[jkslrt]

I dated my best friend for a month two years ago and we mutually broke up because it just didn't feel right. Since then, we've been best friends. We've helped each other in enormous ways when we've been at our worst. We genuinely enjoy eachother's company and we're heading the same direction in life. We share the same core values and faith. We even compliment each other, (he's way logical and I'm way creative). I would sometimes have romantic feelings for him during that time but not very often.

Since our fist dating attempt, I tried being in two relationships with guys who are in many ways opposite to my boyfriend. They just weren't meant to be. They each lasted about month. He dated no one.

Three months ago I decided a whim I wanted to be in a relationship with my best friend again. We cared for each other so deeply and I was more mature so I thought, why not?

In the first month of our relationship I had to get over the fact that I wasn't physically attracted to him and the fact that he is financially barely scraping by. I had to accept the fact that he's a clinical genius, thus can correct everything that comes out of my mouth with total accuracy and will talk 6 or 7 times more than me. I kept reminding myself that he sincerely loves me, I love him. He has to be broke for a while before he can achieve his dream (getting a PHD in philosophy). With that, we have a similar call in life. I can get over looks and money and status- they're all superficial. God provides and real love looks past looks and flaws. A person's heart and character are the most important things.

SO throughout our short relationship I've had to deal with us constantly fighting. He says and does things that hurt and offend me all the time (and vice-verca). The hurting is not intentional. He's just insensitive and I react to his gestures with irrational fear many times. Granted these fights have raised many issues we've kept private, (fear of abandonment etc... ). They have to be healed to be in a relationship period. That's been the good part. And we always work our fights out. In fact, my BF is very good about apologizing and making things right. Because he cares, he makes mental notes of what bugs me and he tries to avoid them.

However it's been getting to the point where everything he does annoys me- his constant talking, his insensitivity, his diet, his appearance, his opinions, the "cutesy" talk we share, even his dream in life, (which are beautiful and worthy of admiration).

Not to mention on several occasions, before and during our relationship, I've been really attracted to other men who are not like my boyfriend at all.

So here's my dileamna, on the one hand I have a man who has a heart of gold, amazing character and integrity, loves me, knows me, cherishes me, keeps the same core values and faith. On the other hand, I'm occasionally attracted to him and am getting tired of being around his strong personality. We still fight a lot.

As an aside, I'm a hard girl to match in that most men I meet bore me. My boyfriend is one of the rare people who doesn't bore me. (My high school sweet heart was a genus as well). So many guys are "douche bags" even the ones in my faith where my BF is not one. I'm afraid if I break up with my BF I'll be making a huge mistake and I will never find anyone as loving and loyal who has such a beautiful dream for life.

Should I just stick it out? Is this just a fear of commitment? I don't know what it's like being in a serious relationship so I don't know if this is normal.

Thanks.

[ken007nielsen]

I'd like you to read your post.

Do you love him? Or is he just a good match?

[jkslrt]

I think in many ways he is a good match and a great friend but I'm not gaga for him. I don't want to marry him. Thanks for the response.

[Devorameira]

I noticed ken007nielsen asked you if you loved him and you avoided answering that by simply stating that he is a good match and a great friend, but you're not gaga for him. I considered that to be a "no" response.

If you can't see yourself ever caring enough for him to marry him, and if you simply find a lot about him irritating, then maybe you should end it again. Usually with a relationship as new as yours is, people are really "gaga" for each other.

[SocialPsiTina]

It sounds like you think your romantic relationship should work in the long-run because you love each other and are best friends.

Yet you are finding out through cold, hard experience that that's not how it works.

It also sounds like you're reluctant to give it up the romance because it seems to you that it should work, and furthermore, since you are "difficult to match", you could be left with no romance at all for quite a while.

It's really understandable, and your concern about not finding someone who fits you right away seems not unlikely; in fact, it may well be realistic.

But I don't think it's wise to stay in this love relationship for the reasons which you identify.

You see how corrosive is it; you are beginning to resent and perhaps even hate him. And who wouldn't?

I think it's just in the nature of it: trying to stretch yourself to make romance work when it's not really a fit (your lack of attraction for him, your concerns about his short and long-term financial well-being) it turns out-- perhaps surprisingly-- is not a very loving thing to do.

And you see that what you get for all your hard work is not love, but smoldering resentment and even contempt.

Sooner or later, your partner will recognize this, and it is bound to hurt him.

Were you not happier with him when he was your friend?

I believe the potential for damage to your friendship will continue to build if you persist in this "romantic" path with him.

As you see, it is backfiring, and the fallout from this is likely to land on your both.

It seems to me that people want to be with people they really want to be with-- when their heart is in it. And everyone wants to be with someone who truly wants them-- not someone who stays with them out of fear that they may be waiting for a while to find a suitable romantic partner for quite a while.

If you want to preserve what good still remains in your friendship, I urge you to put an end to this romance, which, unfortunately, is in danger of corrupting the integrity of that beautiful friendship which the two of you once shared.

Sincerely,

Tina Miller, M.A. aka SocialPsiTina

[I wish]

If you don't want to marry him, then there's no much future. Do you see yourself changing your mind about marriage with him?

If not, it's better to let each other go so that you don't drag out an inevitable break up.

[adam_89]

I was in a relationship with a girl for nearly 2 years and I never intended on marrying her. I didn't see the point any more so I ended it. I don't know why I wasted either of our time but I did. Just don't make the same mistake.

[SocialPsiTina]

I admire you, Adam, for realizing that what you did wasn't really the best choice for either one of you. And even better, you are trying to prevent others from doing something that they may only regret later. It's very kind, I think.

Sincerely,
Tina Miller, M.A.
Aka SocialPsiTina

[SocialPsiTina]

Yes, I agree with I wish. The longer the relationship drags on, the more painful the break up will be.