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chuchu812 · Jan 21, 2011, 08:41 PM

Well my name is chelsea and I'm 22 yrs old I'm a blavk and white young gorgeous female whose boyfriend is 36 and his name is demetrius he's a black man we've been dating since sept 2008 things were great in the beginning but now it just seems like if I do something wrong or if I make him feel I crossed him he puts me on punishment but not calling me or seeing me for a couple of days then I cry and finally apoligize but it doesn't seem right to me I love him 2 death and wuld do anything to be with him but sometimes I feel I'm degrading my standards as a young smart woman my mother has raised me 2 allow him 2 treat me like his child I desperately need some advice older woman what do I do 2 make him treat me equal and when I talk all he says is I heard you and OK...

Mimip · Jan 21, 2011, 08:51 PM

Though I am younger than you, I can say that I don't like that fact that he, as your "partner", treats you as a child. In a relationship both people deserve equal respect. I think you should definitely talk to him about this, and if he truly loves and respects you, he should understand. But seriously? "punishment" is a bit much for a couple to have.

talaniman · Jan 22, 2011, 07:23 AM

When he gets mad, and does not want to call, or talk to you, then leave him alone too. This is a form of control, to get you to take the blame all to yourself. Its probably being going on a while, and it's a game you have to stop playing. He knows he can get away with this behavior because you always allow him too. STOP IT!

DoulaLC · Jan 22, 2011, 08:08 AM

I agree, it is a form of control or manipulation, even if it may not be purposeful. It is far too easy to fall into the same "dance" when you have disagreements.

Argue, he retreats, you feel bad, can't stand the silence and apologize, things go back to normal, but has anything actually been resolved with the initial issue?

It may be he needs time to sort it out in his own head and come back to talk about it with you at a later time. As talaniman said, leave him alone on it.

I would actually tell him, "It appears that when we disagree on something you need a bit of time to work it through in your own mind before we can discuss it, so I am going to give you that time. Get in touch with me when you are ready to talk about it". Then go out with friends or family, keep busy with things you enjoy doing, work, time for yourself, etc.

Whether it was intentional, he will hopefully start to realize that it is time to learn some new dance steps.

If things don't get resolved, and a compromise can't be reached on how the two of you handle conflict (counseling may help break the cycle), perhaps the relationship has run its course and you may need to find a new dance partner.