[thejam]

Just before me and my boyfriend started going out (around 7 months ago), he hooked up with this girl. No big deal, people hook up all the time, and it wasn't cheating, so this is not my problem. The problem is that since then, he has become very VERY good friends with this girl, (as well as going out with me). I have had a few issues with her, mostly the nature of their relationship. It is very flirty, and they make fun of each other and have a lot of personal jokes etc. I did not want to impose any rules on my boyfriend, but I mentioned that I felt uncomfortable with the amount of time they were spending together.

Not long ago, he asked me if it would be OK to go over to her house to watch movies as a whole group of people were going over. I said it was fine, he did not have to check in with me. The day after, I read messages on his phone to this girl saying "If my girlfriend asks, can you please tell her that there were other people watching movies with us? And also don't tell her that I stayed!"

I was devastated. Firstly, that he had premeditated the lie, and secondly that he had stayed at another girl's house. I don't think that is appropriate in any circumstance, whether they are good friends or not. He maintains that he didn't cheat, that nothing happened.. but now I am having huge issues with trust. He is very apologetic and wants to fix this. I have asked him not to see her or talk to her and he has agreed (somewhat reluctantly). Should I attempt to fix our relationship? It was otherwise very good, and he is a pretty reasonable guy.. I love him enough to work on our relationship if it is possible. He says he only lied to protect my feelings because he thought I would flip out if I knew he went by himself.

Help please!

[Chloe18]

Honestly I would feel the same you feel, and to be more honest I have felt the same way you have felt because my boyfriend did something very similar, only worst, lied about where he was at completely.
First things first, he lied. For me that was the biggest issue.
Yeah yeah okay he went to her house, I'm not saying that isn't an issue (especially since you're not entirely comfrotable with there somewhat overly friendly friendship). But to me what I have learned is that if a guy will lie about something like that, who is to say he won't do it again.
I think now for you to overcome is for you to regain back his trust, and for him to start being honest with you, because now you're the one that is going to suffer because when events happen like that, trust is very hard to regain.
Because now when my boyfriend says he is going to be somewhere I may not always question him about it, but there's not a time that it doesn't cross my mind that he is trying to be slick and trying to lie to me again.
So I think you should try and work it out, but just be careful.

[thejam]

Argh, so sucky! I have no way of knowing if he did actually cheat. All I have is his word, which is no good anymore. So you stuck with your boyfriend? I mean, trust is everything. It can be built back but is it worth it? Thanks for the advice! :)

[Chloe18]

Yeah I care and love my boyfriend a lot, I just had to understand that he made a mistake (trust me its taking time:| ).The trust is worth building back up, but the trust you had with him before he lied is going to be stronger than the day after he lied.

[talaniman]

Before I can answer, how old are you both?

[answerme_tender]

You are mistaken if you think this girl is not a big part of his life. You are not married to this guy, and you have already caught him lying about him hanging out with another girl. If it was so innocent then he wouldn't need to lie about it.

Your guy has enough guts to even ask if the other girl can come over to your house and watch movie. Now if she was just a friend of his and him knowing that you didn't like her, he would NOT try and bring her around you. But he is so into her, that he doesn't even care if she is around you or not.

Better start thinking about moving on and finding a guy who is just into you!!

[thejam]

We are both 21. Still young I guess. I feel like deep down it's my instinct to break up with him, but it's going to be very hard to do! :( And I keep messing him around, like yes I want to be with you.. but now no actually I'm having doubts.

Oh, and ALSO. Is it fair for me to ask him not to see her or talk to her? I don't feel like I can move past this if they are still hanging out. He's such a guy, he just can't see that she is flirting! Grr, I'm a girl, I know these things my dear. Haha. We're just on completely different wavelengths about it. In his favour, the girl texted back asking why she needed to hide it from me - which is a good sign I suppose? It most likely means that nothing physical did happen. I'm not a psycho possessive girlfriend, I'm just hurt about this, especially that he did this after he knew I had concerns (or because he knew I had concerns. I don't know)

[I wish]

Look at it this way, if he continues to hang out with her, it's only going to put more strain on your relationship.

He's been caught lying to you and even admitted to it. Sounds like he's owning up to his mistake, but you're right, there's no way to know whether he cheated on you. But one thing is sure, he lied.

He broke the trust and now he has to repair it. If you believe that he can repair the damage, then give him another shot. But if it looks as though there's no more hope, then this relationship is going to end regardless.

You have to decide whether you have it in you to give him another shot. Then the ball is on his side of the court to do some damage control. If he's not up to the task, then you can show him the door anyway.

[talaniman]

I think your best course of action is to make a point to know his friends personally, all of them, so you will know who to trust, and who not to. And lets not overlook and sweep under the rug, what you already know about him.

What was lost in this whole thing is why did he lie in the first place if things were so innocent, and friendly??

[thejam]

Thank you, yeah. Do you think I should stick with him? And is it reasonable for me to ask him not to see her? He lied to "prevent me being upset about him seeing her alone". It wouldn't have been a problem if he said it straight from the start.

[talaniman]

I am going to be honest, you have no right to ask him to change his life after only being in it for 7 months. What you can do is pay attention, and learn about him, and his life, and as you learn about each other. Then you can form rules of good behavior, and see if things can continue after that.

What's a red flag and lacking was his honesty, for whatever reason, and just my opinion, after 7 months maybe he ain't as dedicated as you are, and wasn't ready to let you see everything about him. While couple should have their own friends, it should NEVER be a secret, and that may well be the tip of the iceberg. Who can know.

But trust me if you stay, know full well there is much more to learn about each other, and it won't be all good for either of you. But you will be able to see if he is worth it or NOT. So find out if he feels its time to meet all your friends, and if its NOT, it may be time to move beyond him, and his life.

[DoulaLC]

>>>>> It wouldn't have been a problem if he said it straight from the start.

Do you honestly believe this to be true? I think it would have still bothered you very much. I know I would not have liked the idea!

Should you ask him not to remain in contact with her? That is up to you... but, in my opinion, knowing that it makes you uncomfortable to begin with, and now that you have caught him in a lie about spending time with her, he should stop contact with her on his own. I would hope he would have enough respect for you and the relationship, if he is serious enough for it to be exclusive, that he would do whatever he can to earn back your trust.

You might ask him if he wants to remain exclusive or would he prefer to date casually and see others if he wants to. Maybe an exclusive relationship isn't where he should be right now.