[feeblechicken]

I am female and in my 30s but having experience independence from my family studying and working out of the country for a couple of years, I crave that independence and freedom again since I've moved home with my family. My mom is single in her 60s, worked briefly at a low income job and is now back to being a homemaker. She has a pension but is dependent on my brother financially mostly. She had the expectations of me coming home because when I was leaving for college I told her I would be back after a couple of years. I was almost intending to stay on in the US but guilt towards her as well as other factors made me came home. I've pretty much ruined my chance for a green card in the US having quit my job there. I am however still thinking about trying to find work outside the country but I am still conflicted about my mother. Does anyone have the same experience?

[Jake2008]

With you being 30, and your mother being 60, I'd say that it is time to cut the apron strings.

Had you never left home in the first place, I still think you would most likely have reached the place you are in now. But, I have to ask you why you came back in the first place. Why did guilt cause you to quit your job and move back in with your mother?

It sounds like you regret moving back. It also sounds like there must be more to this story for you to have left, essentially, your life, in order to return to you old life.

If you are saying you were miserable being away from your mother, and guilty that she is on her own and not able to support herself, why weren't visits and maybe some compensation toward her bills enough?

I'm just not understanding why you are in the place you are in now, and why you have so much guilt, as you say, that has driven you home to your mother.

Are there cultural considerations that I'm missing? Is it a normal course of events for children to take care of their Chinese parent(s), and with your mother being only 60, is there a reason why she cannot help herself with a part time job? Why is she so dependent upon you, and your brother.

If you could provide further insight, that would be very helpful in helping you.

[feeblechicken]

Thanks for listening. I've probably made it sound like it was all for my mom that I came home. Coming back was not only because of my guilt to the my promise to come home. I had came out of a long relationship and was in a job that was essentially there so I could stay in the US for him. I liked my previous job better but after the contract ended they only had freelance work which weren't suitable for foreigners like me. Because my relationship and job didn't work out, I felt I had no reason to stay in the US away from my mother. I loved my independence but being weary of my problems, I chose to go home rent-free to work on stuff on my own without the need to be sustained by a job for a couple of months. I told myself I would seek independence later.

Being chinese though, we have the responsibility to take care of our parents when they age. My mom's case is abit unfortunate because she is separated from our dysfunctional dad. She is not well educated and after her failed marriage pretty much thinks that life is over and depends on us. She's not the only one, many less educated women of her generation are as such. I noticed that chinese parents who are more educated are more well-off and liberal like westerners with their children. My elder brother recently brought up wanting to go work in a nearby country for a couple of months and she was worried it would become a permanent thing. My brother though is more responsible than me about staying by her side. Us chinese children have filial piety on our minds. Our parents took a lot to brought us up so we have to repay them. I am conflicted because I crave my independence but being her only daughter I feel I have certain obligations to stay by her side. The funny thing is in the Chinese context, one doesn't become independent until you get married. Even then you are still obligated to take care of your aged parents.

I say I feel guilty, but I'll probably bring the guilt with me because I will still be looking beyond my country for a job. My country is very small so I'm not sure if I can find the suitable work here in the industry I studied for.