[forumnz]

Hello everyone.
I dated this girl last year for the first 5 months, but knew her for about 2 years, and we got back together a month ago. In August, we did a trip through US and we had sex during all the trip. We never had sex when we were dating for the first time and neither now. We usually dry hump (dont really like it, but whatever) and when we are about to do it, she just suddendly quits it. Can't really understand why. She doesn't push me or anything like that.. just quits it. Also sometimes, the day before we go to my/her house, she says stuff which pretends clearly she wants to have sex, and the next day nothing happens. I'm the one who always has the initiative.
I tried sometimes to ignore the "sex-factor" in the relatioship, to see if things changed a little bit, and she did take the initiative sometimes, but just ended in dry hump.
I'm 21 and she's 23.
Thank you very much.

[martinizing2]

Maybe you can't understand her because you are not really communicating with her.

Small talk and texting and avoiding real issues is verbal dry humping.
It iis going through the motions with the result being frustration .

Ask her, talk to her, communicate and really understand each other.
It is the best thing anyone can do in a relationship.
Try it and see how it works out.

[Cat1864]

I think you need to sit down and talk with her about what is going on. She may not be faking desire. She may have a mental hang-up that is causing her to shut down. Only she can answer your questions.

It is interesting that you didn't have sex while officially dating but did while you were traveling. Other than the relationship status was there anything else different during the trip. Is there something about trying to have sex at either of your places that turns her off? It could be something she isn't even aware of.

[forumnz]

Thank you for the fast answers!
The difference from the trip to now is that we were together a lot more time than we are now, but that's normal I guess.
We never really sat down and talked about sex, to be honest. I mean, we are both at exams season, don't know if it's the proper time. Just don't want to mess with her head as she is going through some problems with her family.
Not that I don't want to talk about it, just don't want to pressure her with the fear that she will start hating it.

[forumnz]

Also about the places, I don't think there is something that turns her off. I know for sure that she loves both of them

[Synnen]

Is she a virgin?

That would make a HUGE difference in attitudes.

If she's NOT a virgin, were her first sexual experiences positive?

I can think of LOTS of reasons to have no real sex drive--PREGNANCY being the number one off the top of my head.

She may also think that the only way to keep you interested is to be "sexy"--even if that's not the way she is when she's just being herself. I'm a huge flirt, but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with everyone I flirt with. Not even close!

I'll say here what I say too often: If you can't TALK about sex, you shouldn't be HAVING sex, anyway.

[Cat1864]

It sounds like she may not be fully engaged mentally. Exams and family issues are not something that are easily set aside to allow for arousal. As is often said, arousal for women begins in the mind. I would guess that part of the reason for sex on the trip is that she felt relaxed and was able to let go of the stresses in her normal life.

When you see each other, how much time do you normally spend together? When you are together is time spent on getting aroused mentally as well as physically? What she says the day before doesn't mean much if she has spent the intervening time thinking more about problems than fun. When she initiates, do you allow her to set the pace or do you take over because you are aroused?

If she is having family problems, do you let her talk out what she is feeling and thinking? Being supportive emotionally?

Does she have any ways that she normally uses as stress relief like a hobby or spending time doing nothing?

Talking about sex shouldn't be adding frustration or stress. It should be reducing the friction that bad timing and misunderstandings cause. It should be something in your relationship that you can work on together.

[adviceishere]

I'm telling you this from experience, she probably does want to do these things with you but when the time comes she gets too shy! I top get like this, I'm with my boyfriend like over a year now and I also had a boyfriend for 3 years before that and it took me so long to actually follow threw with the things I'd text to him or what not, I found when I got really comfortable and trusted him more and knew I wouldn't be judged that I finally let go of my shyness and built my self-esteem really slowly, even just yesterday I found the courage to send him some sexy pictures of myself (without showing my face) and its been a whole year! But I did it and I was delighted with his reaction, although it may be tiring for you and my boyfriend he has never stopped telling me how much he loves how I look and how much he fancies me and that's what's made me more brave, I'm finally beginning to believe him. Sorry if I've rambelled on! :)

[forumnz]

I agree with the fact that she may still be shy about sex because although we know each other for a lot of time, we didn't get intimate until the trip when we weren't even dating, but why get shy now and not on the trip? Thought that as we did it on the trip, she wouldn't react like this now. Could it be a matter of trust somehow ? Could she be waiting for a special occasion or something ?
At the moment we are 2/3 times together a week, 3/4 hours, can't afford any more and we usually go out movies, have lunch/dinner etc. To be honest, I think the last days she has been evasive about coming to my home. I've always been supportive about her decisions and we talk about her problems and we can solve them pretty well. I think I will wait for the exam season to be over and then see what happens. If nothing happens at that time, I will definitely talk to her.