[NeckerCube]

I kept thinking of killing myself, and I wanted it to stop, I freaked out and told my friends and my friends left me...

And so I share this hoping it'd be the last time because it doesn't matter.
I wish I to wake up tomorrow, I wish in the next hour I can Breathe, and Believe that Tomorrow I will Live and be Happy.

I didn't call my friend... but so and such is right, I see that I don't have anything to lose. And so I will exhaust myself... when I talk to my friend, I see myself throwing Dignity onto the table and telling him everything... I might be giving him what he wants... but maybe it will free me... and I can finally Let Go.

It's just I picture letting go as dropping from a cliff... and with my one hand gripping, hanging for dear Life...
I'm losing my Grip... my hand is getting tired... and so Let Go you say? Ok.

[kctiger]

By "Let Go" I'm hoping you simply mean put all this craziness behind you? You are a prisoner of your own thoughts.

[NeckerCube]

Letting go... of one's grip. People usually hang on for dear Life. That's what I'm doing...

I keep thinking of "bums," the homeless. Whatever that's left of themselves is keeping them alive, they have Heart even though they've hit rock bottom. To push onto another day starving, another day sleeping on the streets, to push with whatever they might be regretting in the past...

Hats off to how they ended up bums.

I do see it this way, I'm a prisoner to my own thoughts.

Coaching would help; and ironically, I want to be a Life Coach.

I attended this personal development course in college, and the lecturer... a very, very accomplished man told us about what made him want to coach people.

At one point in life, he had 3 marriages, and 3 divorces, and a young daughter with cancer. He began to fall apart. And... all I know now is he's alive, and a great coach... just he focuses on Management and Engineering.

[NeckerCube]

Wo, I'm now remembering that I had dinner with him and a classmate. It was last year, after I did what I did with my friend's ex; I almost told him everything, but instead I asked him about moving back to college town and how to do it.

I don't know if I've shared this, but I really believe that she played a great role in how I found my job. You, out of college, most people move back home to live with Mom and Dad. I didn't want that, home is hell. But, I felt like I have to because what else is motivating me not to?

She was living in college town for the summer, I wanted to be close to her, but it meant finding a place to stay for the summer, it meant finding money, it meant taking the time and effort to find a job too. We weren't really dating at the time, and I didn't know how she felt...

But one night (dinner at Cheesecake Factory), I asked her if I should move back to college town and follow my alternative plan. She said Yes.

[NeckerCube]

If she would have said no, I would have moved home... and then what? When she said yes, I smiled, she smiled. From there I found a place, got an interview, moved, and got this job...

... I'm sad because I also remember my "special treat" after my first day off work. I miss her.

There's no starting over... she never really wanted me. I was watching the show Louie last weekend and he had several scenes depicting his interaction with women, and in both of them, it showed that no matter how much he wants to get to know someone or have sex with them whatever, it doesn't matter, she has to be attracted to him and sadly, neither women were.

The premise of the show is interesting, divorced comedian and a single father raising two daughters.

I was thinking of having kids the other day. About how my friend once told me her kids make her happy, because she now lives for them, and they are the loves of her life.

And I'm thinking, I wish she were my wife...

[NeckerCube]

I met her in high school when I transferred my first experience with love and breaking up; she befriended me, we got close, then one day after we both graduated, she moved out of state without notice. We never did anything serious but literally sleep with each other after Prom. But her ideal, her values... I wished I were her knight in shining armor, but I'm not...

She apologized a couple months ago, when I phoned her freaking out about my current situation... she couldn't talk to me, I understood that much... she's married with two kids... her husband was confused.

But what am I talking about? I don't even know... I'm just rambling, at work today, boss is at a conference, so I'm here alone.

... I don't know what to do, so do nothing right? That's what I am doing, nothing. Actually, I'm waiting.

[NeckerCube]

Which brings up another memory of watching Inception with her, and how it's one of my friend's favorite movies, and how that one quote in the movie with the waiting for the train, but it doesn't matter when the train comes because we're together says leonardo to his girlfriend in dream land.

Oh how that makes me sad... it hurts in my gut.

[kctiger]

You know, you have got to take responsibility for your own happiness, and for God's sake, get some damn self respect back. I don't mean any offense to women on here when I say this (because I am a self proclaimed gentlemen), but they are just women. There are billions of them out there. You cannot just hang your hat on something that didn't work. Yes it sucks and yes it hurts, but there are others out there. After a rough break up I'll allow myself some time for self pity, but I refuse to let a relationship ending ruin my entire life. I've worked too hard and frankly, it is selfish of me to tear myself down when others depend on me.

I get that you have memories, but it's time to replace them with new memories and new experiences. There are tons of special women out there, trust me. More importantly, there are tons of great experiences out there, waiting to be had. You have no fun in your life (from what I can tell). You need a heavy dose of fun, and a heavy dose of "man-up!" Get to it my friend!

[NeckerCube]

Thanks for taking your time to relate and give me good advice.

The thing is, no one really depends on me anymore because I've failed; I didn't just lose my best friend and this girl friend, I loss other friends who found out what happened, who saw me in this light and turned their shoulder; I reached out to every one... I mean I'm typing endless sentences in this forum for hope that I will finally just get it.

I have given the same advice you've given me to other guys, and most notably to my best friend in regards to his girlfriend, this girl.

One moment I'm angry, one moment I'm fine, one moment I'm sad... they both used my advice against me.
Asking why, why doesn't matter, but... I still want to know why...

And the more I think about it the madder I get...

[mystific]

YOU allow yourself to be unreachable.

You drag people down. You suck the life out of those you turn to with your own self pity. I commented a 'long while' back.. have sat back and watched you stay stagnant.

Medication has helped minimally. Therapy.. well I just don't think you want to hear it. People have attempted on numerous occasions to help you.. but you don't 'hear it'.

You're so self obsessed you distract yourself from moving on.

Forgodsake get it already.. you are not going to get the answers you want. EVER.

You're the maker of your demise. And no matter what you write, what feedback you get you're still not going to satisfy the stupid want to know.

You're just not the one for her. She doesn't want to know you.. she doesn't care what you do.. maybe you sucked the life out of her too.

At one point in life, he had 3 marriages, and 3 divorces, and a young daughter with cancer. He began to fall apart. And... all I know now is he's alive, and a great coach... just he focuses on Management and Engineering

Go focus on something.. be a life coach.. I personally don't believe it's something you can do.. not much to work on when you can't coach yourself.

[NeckerCube]

I'm Trying.

But I understand how my trying brings other people down. My high school counselor was the first to explain how I'm like a burden, and I can't expect others to be able to carry me. Most people can't. That's why therapists, and all sorts of other resources for (self) help exist.

You're right, I don't get it. And as much as I agree with how nothing will satisfy my need to know... I need to know.

But a part of me is actively fighting that urge, so good for me.

It's hard to accept Never. But I don't know if it's this I'm having a hard time with, or is it that both my friend and the girl refuted my reasoning for Never be able to talk to them or see them again.

They reminded me that I don't know; and my friend further reasoned that he knows me, and how us going to Vegas is not the last time he will hear from me, he knows this.

[NeckerCube]

And it's true; I'm planning on contacting him... when I'm ready. But for what? I would like him to hear me out because sooner or later, no one will find me. And I only know that my family will go looking for me, but that's not enough... which is a sad thought on it's own.

One way to put it, I'm self obsessed. And another way, the complete opposite. Either way does not do any good. So if I can't do good for others... I guess it means I'm Selfish.

If I disappear now, it'd be selfish, but later down the line, it would be for the best. I mean everyone has tried to help me pull the plug, but they can't do it for me...

[NeckerCube]

Both Tony Robbins world famous Life Coach and Steven Cerri (man I described previously) have had it tough experiences unlike my own.

People try to help me see the "bigger picture," without fine details; an analogy once used, it's like the zoomed out view of RTS games or sims, especially old sims, things get blurry and simple.

My ex from high school reminded me, she is just a girl, there are a lot of other girls, and he is just a friend, we can always make friends. But this is general advice given a complex situation.

But I'll admit I'm making it complex... I'm sorry.

[amicon]

Yes,you are making it complex and I wonder why?

It's as if you are addicted to your own drama,or dramas.

We have to w a n t to be in a better place and then work till we get there.

There's nothing wrong with being happy!!

[NeckerCube]

I've just been thinking about them a lot lately. Yes, in a way I'm addicted; I'm addicted to how things were. I don't know how long I can live like this.

Every other minute I get the urge to call them, to see how they're doing, and whether they still have a grudge against me or not.

I keep debating it because I know it's a bad idea. Because I am sure they can care less, and if I bring up the past, I would be at fault for... bringing up the past.

I don't even know if they'd pick up their phones. She told me that my friend doesn't want her talking to me, so she probably won't answer.

I get angry thinking about her some times. I go from understanding to not understanding to all sorts of feelings. Why did she flip out on me that one night, I want to know why.

[NeckerCube]

I thought about writing a letter, to both of them. But I get anxious when I write letters. I worry about whether I'm saying the right things and getting my message across. And I worry about getting a response or not.

I mean, I've been reasonably afraid of breaking NC... I have two months torn out of my calendar posted on my wall with 60+ exes marking off the days... but that's how I realized it hasn't been long since I stopped talking to them.

... I really want to know why she started avoiding me like the plague after she got back from New York for New Years. And I want to just tell her about how I had texts from three other girls, an whether she knew about that or not.

I just don't understand how it got out of hand at the end; I mean, the entire relationship with her and I was bumpy to begin with, but she didn't have to hurt me; she could have left without saying a word...

[NeckerCube]

That's what happened to my co worker friend, one day his girlfriend started complaining about Connectedness, then she told him they couldn't talk anymore, and went into NC without notice. It drove my friend insane, he wrote a long email to her, and she responded four months later. In that letter, he asked why, and her response didn't satisfy anything, by the way, he was the first to share how why doesn't matter...

But he got his answer and yet he still was upset... I don't really know how he felt after receiving her response, but he stayed on Facebook even though she defriended him, he ended up stalking her of course, and was destroyed when he found out she was with another guy... but about two months after I started working with him and sharing my story... his ex texts him... for the first time in about a year. I was there and he was shocked... she said she was coming to town and wanted to see him.

[NeckerCube]

And so they met up, and now they are friends. Beautiful. Happy.

So why did my ex have to hurt me? So I want to know why but... all the other reasons, are not good enough, so that's why I know I won't be satisfied with what I hear...

So I'm having a hard time accepting all this...

And it's as if I want to Haunt them...

[talaniman]

Stop thinking of you, your pain, your anger, and get off your a$$ and actually do something good for yourself. That's your whole problem, always has been. You spend a lot of time wondering why you? Why are you the one suffering?

Its really simple, because behind all the thinking, wondering, and conflict you put yourself through, you still lack action. Its just so much easier to sit and do nothing for yourself.

But don't expect any one to feel the same pity for you as you feel yourself. Not happening, and until you get the simple concept of making change through action, all the meds in the world won't make you happy, and even your meds should have kicked in by now, and I wonder why they haven't.

You want a different outcome in life, you actually have to be willing to change what you are doing. Talking doesn't count. Now get off the computer, stop blaming others for your own shortcoming, and do something good for yourself, by doing something good for someone that needs something good done for them. That appreciation for your help, will empower you like the meds cannot.

Its starts with you actually doing, instead of thinking, because all your writing about now is being selfish. When you give from the heart, asking for NOTHING, you get a lot more than you expected.

Do something good for someone that can't do it for themselves. Then you will see how stupid, and petty the people who you have made important in your life, and kick them to the curb, like you should have done a long time ago, and sought out better for yourself. Then you wouldn't have to hold onto the misery and pain you let them cause, and the suffering would stop.

[mystific]

But I guess I'm just going to say it, I slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend, who eventually broke my heart 3 days ago.

Have you ever thought.. even remotely.. that she just plain used you?

You were her excuse to leave your so called best friend. You know the guy whose ex girlfriend you slept with? Yeah yeah she was an ex.. blah blah blah.. how do you know he wasn't trying to do what you're doing... finding out 'why', 'what did I do', 'i want to change'...

Call it all that you want.. write the blogs from hell and memoirs of someone so obstinate and self absorbed.. fact of the matter is.. you were just the muppet she needed to get out of her relationship to move on.

Best thing is... she got what she wanted and more.. she detroyed two lives... wait sorry one.. your 'friend' has moved on...