[Bach7]

I am 21 and I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year now and I'm beginning to have doubts about whether I love her. She is great! She is such a wonderful girl and in most ways she is all I could ever ask for in a wife. Our relationship, however, is long distance. She lives 6 hours away. We are both in school and still live with our parents. We are both very involved in our churches and share the same religious convictions. This is very important to me but rather rare.
Our backgrounds, however, are very different. Her parents are involved in the church and she has been raised a very sheltered life. I was not raised this way. My parents don't go to church. Sometimes it feels like our different backgrounds cause problems. Not that we argue, it's just that I feel like she doesn't truly know me. She barely knows my parents and they mean so much to me.

That brings me to another problem. Lately I have been also battling a fear/anxiety/depression not only about the girlfriend situation but also my family. Since I have been dating her I feel like I have neglected my parents so much. It suddenly hit me how much I love them and am not ready to move out and leave them yet. Yes, I know it's weird. It just came out of nowhere. I suddenly REALLY enjoy spending time with them. It's almost like I have a sense of urgency about it.

Back to the girlfriend situation... I have felt lately that I don't really desire to talk to her or go see her. I'd rather just spend time with my family. This has been going on for a few months now. I don't know if I should break up with her or not? I'm supposed to be driving to see her soon and I'm really afraid of how the visit will go. Any advice? What should I do?

[talaniman]

This long distance relationship has done nothing to bring you closer to this lady, matter of fact its just the opposite. The problem is what to do about it? How about some honesty when you talk and tell her the distance is hurting the relationship. To be fair, there is nothing she can do being 6 hours away, and occupied with school.

Maybe a relationship under these circumstances is not what you want or need at this time, and you should tell her that if it is truly the way you feel. A year is way to soon to pick a life partner any way, but its no ones fault that your feelings have changed, as sometimes it just happens.

She does need to know that though, sooner, rather than later.

[CinnamonBrownie]

Talaniman is right. One other thing I'd add is that given the anxiety-fear-etc. issue, if you have access to counseling this would be a great time to get it, because as you're obviously at least partially aware, your girlfriend issues may really be deeper than that. And they might even go deeper than family issues, as you've theorized. It's something to think about.

[lira1992]

I'm 18. I had the same situation a year ago. I had a long distance relationship for almost two years time. But I was just not ready to be in a relationship that holds a commitment. My mother told me that it was just too early for me to choose who I want to get married with. He was a great guy and he was all perfect to be a good husband. But my heart tends to follow my mother's advice. I wanted to explore more. We broke up and remain as friends.

[Bach7]

Comment on talaniman's post

This was a great answer. She already knows that I'm kind of going through this but she may not know to what extent. I'm going to see her soon and we are supposed to exchange Christmas gifts. Any advice?

Comment on CinnamonBrownie's post

It's something that I have thought about. If something deeper is the problem then I shouldn't break up with her. If not, then I should. I don't know what to do? What if I break up with her and nothing gets better or my feelings come back

[talaniman]

I highly suggest that you make sure of what you want to do before you do it because once you dump her what makes you think your feelings will come back, or worse, she doesn't want you back.

Honesty starts with you, and that means its you that have to know what's going on with YOU, and how YOU deal with YOUR feelings.

If you don't know, about yourself, then don't expect her to know either. When you don't know something, then you need to find out, wouldn't you think?

[CinnamonBrownie]

"It's something that I have thought about. If something deeper is the problem then I shouldn't break up with her. If not, then I should. I don't know what to do? What if I break up with her and nothing gets better or my feelings come back"

Well, I thought about what you said and, I'm not 100% sure myself, but I do suggest this: what's the rush to make a decision? Maybe this is a good opportunity to take some time and ponder this. Look at it this way; is it really fair to your girlfriend to break up with her until you're convinced it's the right decision? You seem like a nice, fair, and thoughtful guy to me, so I'm guessing your answer would be, no, I'd rather be sure. So try to relax and don't rush yourself. :)