[Ri091806]

He does tend to hold things in and I always ask him what's wrong if I notice. But at the same time he does blow things out of proportion A lot.

[smoothy]

Look at it this way... if its really such a dumb promise... then forget it was ever mentioned... I'll bet you made some promise you never really intended to keep... so would YOU get upset if the person you made it to kept hounding you about it? Seriously... if in the heat of passion you promised him you'd do a threesome sometime after he mentioned something to that effect... and in reality you would never think about doing such a thing... but he keeps hounding you on it non-stop? Should you really do it just because you make one promise? No... and neither should he... just let that issue drop. Once Ok... twice gets old... but the 4th or 5th time it becomes nagging.

Take a step back... take a breath... whatever you might be constantly telling him or pushing him on... let it slide... is it REALLY worth getting upset over if it causes him to shut down even IF he isn't openly yelling and screaming mad?

This might actually take care of itself IF that is where the problem actually lies.

Not saying its really you... or you really have done anything... just that if it appears to him you have it can be the same. We call that being the adult in the family, just let him "win" and then forget about it... and not trying to win a push and shove contest... there is never a winner when you have one of those... you both lose.

I've seen cases with friends where the wife starts ordering him around like he is one of the kids... and obviously he's going to take offense to it... even if he might not be upset enough yet to blow a gasket.

See if that defuses the situation before it gets any worse. It may take days or weeks... but if that's the source of the problem its going to improve... maybe not overnight... but over time.

But menatally take a step back... visualise this as a third party might see it from his side as well as yours trying to leave personal feelings out... as if it was friends of yours in exactly the same situation what would you do? Or how about if you reverse roles and it was the other way around. Sometimes looking at something this way can help.

[Ri091806]

First I want to say thank you for reading AND responding! OK so you have a lot of good points I don't want you to think I'm not listening to them. I don't know if you can give me a basic to this or not knowing that your not him. But why does he keep

[Ri091806]

Making this promise on his own when I've said to him all I wanted was to have a simple not every detail open relationship. I told him that I don't mind him doing it but if he not satisfying me as well I'm going to do the same. He said NO to that and

[Ri091806]

When I asked why he said that we will never have sex then. So in his mind is he saying that its OK for him but not me? Because if I'm satisfying myself we will never have sex but that's exactly what he did to me. I kind of already scratchd his promise

[Ri091806]

Knowing he isn't going to keep it I'm just trying to get the whole story out because I really need help with this.

[Ri091806]

I think I just don't want him to lie to me and say he isn't going to do it when he actually is and I just want to be able to come up with a compromise. My sex drive has doubled since this last pregnancy so I want to have sex and mastrubate also.

[Ri091806]

I told him that would be fine doing both in moderation but we shouldn't be only focusing on ourselves we need to focus on each other too. He doesn't want that. So he keeps saying he won't do it so I won't do knowing that I'm not a hypocrite.

[smoothy]

You are still using the comment and not the answer box... thats why you get cut off so soon...

Got three words to say...

"Let it go".

Is it worth stewing over? No.... what else might you be stewing over? Remember what I said about sometimes its how you say it as much as what you say? You keep going back and hammering that same thing over, and over and over. If you do it on one thing...you do it on others....and it can be very irritating to the other person when it occurs.

Let it go.

There is a saying "take care of the big things and the little ones take care of themselves... "

In other words... micromanaging ANYTHING creates more problems than it solves.

Lifes too short to worry about every little thing... next thing you will know this little one will be graduating High school... or going out on her first date or getting married... and then how important would this be in comparison?

[Synnen]

Ri, PLEASE use the "Answer this question" box at the bottom of the page instead of using the comments section. Your comments get cut off, and when you have multiple responses from the same person, we have no idea which post you're commenting on.

Honestly, I think you're making this into a big deal when it isn't. Have you ASKED him, calmly and when you're not arguing about it, what he meant by that statement?

You need to sit down and CALMLY talk about this. You also need to TRUST that he's being honest with you.

Sex does NOT equal love. What ELSE does he do to show you or tell you he loves you? Does he do chores? Surprise you with gifts? Share his secrets?

Bottom line is that if you aren't talking to him about the fact that you FEEL neglected (whether or not he is doing so), he can't address it.

And frankly, you might have higher expectations of how often sex should happen than most people in their mid-30s do. Hell, my husband and I are lucky if it's once a week sometimes! And we don't even have kids! I have an exhausting job lately, and the LAST thing I want to do is have sex--regardless that we used to do so more often. It has NOTHING to do with my husband.

And frankly, sometimes that quick release after a couple minutes of masturbating is ALL I am looking for. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to snuggle, I don't want ANYTHING except a quick orgasm. That ALSO has nothing to do with my husband.

And let me tell you, if he constantly pestered me about it, I'd shut down completely and REALLY not want to have sex.

TALK to him about it. Don't freak out, get emotional, cry, whatever. Tell him how you feel, and ask him to talk to you about it.

[Ri091806]

Thank you Synnen! Yes he does tell me he loves me sometime he could show it better. He does occasionally help around the house which I appreciate knowing his work is hard. I agree with you when you say that there are times when I don't want to have sex but want to feel that release.

Yes, since this became an issue again right before the holidays, I waited till last night to talk to him. I told him (calmly) that I don't want him to make a promise he can't keep, I said that I love having sex with him and that I do long for the emotional things as well. I said that people do this it normal but I want honesty not lies to shut me up. If you want to do it that's fine but I will too. He simply said he doesn't want to do that and I asked why not and he just said that if I do it too then we probably will never have sex. He doesn't tell me everything I think he is leaving something out here.

Like your husband knows you do that right you don't lie and hide it from him completely? Am I wrong for wanting the truth in this situation?

I have told him multiple times that I feel neglected in an argument and also calmly sitting down and talking.

I am going to talk to him again try to use some of the advice everyone gave me. I think its helped just venting and talking about it.

Like I said before the biggest thing that bothered me about all this was that he made me feel like crap (probably not intentional but) when I was pregnant he never said I was pretty, beautiful, o just looked nice. He didn't give me any attention emotional or sexual. He didn't even ask if maybe he could get me off and I could do the same for him. It hurt me and I'm probably relating that hurt to this situation and that why its so big to me. Like every time he does this I think about how bad it hurt walking in the bathroom seeing that and feeling crushed/shocked. He was fine with just that he didn't need me AT ALL. Not even mix it up a bit. Anyway it something I probably need to work out myself, the feelings that are connected to this.

[Ri091806]

I have a question for CRAVENMORHEAD...

You said in your one response that "we dont want to have sex, make love, we just want to mastrubate. we have needs and were taking care of them"

Why wouldn't he want me to take care of them? He loves oral sex, I used to get him off every different way without having sex or even expecting anything in return. Why does he want to take care of them?

Weird question I know just something I thought of. If you can't answer that's OK.

Thank you for the other responses.

[jenniepepsi]

Im not sure what you all are talking about replies and such. I only see ONE way to reply. Maybe she does too. I'm confused what other reply there is other than the 'quote user' and 'answer this question' I don't see anything else lol.






Anyway, another poster pointed out something about a power struggle. If you are open to it have you tried being a submissive wife? Many women disagree with this type of relationship but it works for many others as well. Basically you allow him to be head of the house and make all the rules and deciisons and you follow them, you can always give your opinion, you can always explain what you want and how you feel. But ultimately YOU leave it up to HIM. You GIVE him those reigns to the relationship. Sometimes it can be a HUGE change in a relationship for the better.

[smoothy]

Im not sure what you all are talking about replies and such. i only see ONE way to reply. maybe she does too. im confused what other reply there is other than the 'quote user' and 'answer this question' i dont see anything else lol.






anyway, another poster pointed out something about a power struggle. if yuo are open to it have you tried being a submissive wife? many women disagree with this type of relationship but it works for many others as well. basically you allow him to be head of the house and make all the rules and deciisons and you follow them, you can always give your opinion, you can always explain what you want and how you feel. but ultimately YOU leave it up to HIM. you GIVE him those reigns to the relationship. sometimes it can be a HUGE change in a relationship for the better.

It depends on which layout she is running... I preffer the old one myself.

[Synnen]

Im not sure what you all are talking about replies and such. i only see ONE way to reply. maybe she does too. im confused what other reply there is other than the 'quote user' and 'answer this question' i dont see anything else lol.






anyway, another poster pointed out something about a power struggle. if yuo are open to it have you tried being a submissive wife? many women disagree with this type of relationship but it works for many others as well. basically you allow him to be head of the house and make all the rules and deciisons and you follow them, you can always give your opinion, you can always explain what you want and how you feel. but ultimately YOU leave it up to HIM. you GIVE him those reigns to the relationship. sometimes it can be a HUGE change in a relationship for the better.

She's in the newest skin, Jennie.

ALSO--while the submissive wife works in SOME situations, in others it turns out HORRIBLY---to the point of abuse and control. And frankly, ain't no WAY it would work in my household. My husband would be bored with a "yes-woman", and I'd explode letting him handle everything.

[QLP]

He says he doesn't want to admit to masturbating because if he does then you will and you two will never have sex? Have I got that right?

My husband masturbates and so do I. Yes, we both know the other does, but it doesn't mean we have to report back on every occasion. If I walk in on hubby I either give him a smile, and maybe a kiss, and leave him to it, or offer to join in. As for my masturbating meaning less sex, hardly. Quite the reverse if anything.

When you walked in on him and were shocked I assume the shock was because you were feeling neglected. I'm not sure exactly why the sex had dropped away, although it's hardly rare where pregancy and young babies are concerned. I think you took it way too personally, although with pregancy and hormones etc that's highly understandable. As for him, imagine being caught masturbating and your lover reacts with shock and horror. How would that make you feel? Most of us would feel a little vulnerable in that situation.

You say he hates going to the movies but took his son. I loathe going swimming but took my kids regularly. That's what parents do.

You have both built up some mountains out of molehills. Very easily done with new babies and high emotions around. You both need to try and relax around each other. Let the unimportant stuff go and separate out the important stuff and work on that together. Don't make it all a battle.

[CravenMorhead]

I have a question for CRAVENMORHEAD...

You said in your one reponse that "we dont want to have sex, make love, we just want to mastrubate. we have needs and were taking care of them"

Why wouldnt he want me to take care of them? He loves oral sex, I used to get him off every different way without having sex or even expecting anything in return. Why does he want to take care of them?

weird question i know just something i thought of. If you can't answer thats ok.

Thank you for the other responses.

Very easily in fact. Men get off. Sometimes it is in a woman and sometimes it is in our hands. The difference is timing and impression. When we, I use the royal we here, masturbate it is to a specific end, usually to reach orgasm as quickly as possible. To unload and move on. Clear the head if you will. We, at least I did, feel bad about using a woman as a ***-dumpster. The reason why is probably because at this juncture he didn't want romance, he didn't want to worry about turning you on and getting you wet. He just wanted release. He didn't want any of the additional emotional and physical overhead of a sexual encounter with you.

Chances are he wants to get off and doesn't want you to think that he is just using you as a masturbation aid. It is also a time thing, 5 min compared to... how long would it take for you to get him off, that includes dropping EVERYTHING that you are doing?

It never was meant to be a slight against you. It is always nicer to have a woman take care of you, but there are times when you just take care of business.

I didn't do a good job of explaining that did I?

[adthern]

Something you should know about men, we do not like (and it doesn't arouse--most of us that is--)to be continuously blasted for things and not listened to.

I am saying that because, you have been told multipole times not to use the comment box to reply, yet you continue to do it... I imagine that is not something unique to this board, you need to chill out...

I agree with Cravens point, let your hormones relax and mellow out... it sounds from what you have posted that you are going at him left right and center... and being a little bit "crazy" isn't unusual after child birth, you need to go and get some "me" time... alone... just you... and recharge yourself. Try getting a babysitter and going to a friends house or get a hotel room and have a datenight with yourself... whatever it takes... but if you are at him as much as it sounds you are going to destroy whatever chance you might have of fixing the problem.

Pressure/stress is the enemy of intimacy.

It also sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed with the kids and he isn't helping as much as you feel he should be. You might want to figure out what the real issue here is for you, and deal with that one.

I feel for you, I had twins and was the promary caretaker for them for their first 3 years, get some help with them, family, nanny, whatever... take a little of the stress off yourself.

[Ri091806]

ADTHERN:
There might be a lot of "real" issues that are causing my stress about this. I don't know if you saw the one thing I posted but I'm just going to say it again... I think I'm relating his masturbation to the fact that he TOTALLY shut me out when he was doing it faithfully. I feel like that is the reason I get no imtimacy from him, even just holding me after a long day, I guess it would feel good for me to know someone appreciates what I do for my family, maybe just give me a good hug.

About the night to myself you are totally right I do need that but he won't give it to me. I shouldn't have to get a sitter when he is capable of doing it. Hes has gone out like 5 or 6 times since the baby was born and usually he doesn't answer his phone and drinks all night. This causes anxiety and jealousy.

The other thing when you said 5 minutes instead of whatever time it takes for us. To be honest he doesn't take long to go sometimes he does but rarely. A lot of times I would have sex just to get him. Like I said I love to turn him on I like to be involved most of the time just for him, maybe that's why I feel so unappreciated cause I always tried to do what he wanted and all of a sudden he just stopped wanting it.

EVERYONE:
I don't know, I gues the next help I need is How can I approach him without him getting so upset. Last night I tried to talk to him using the advice I got here and he still got pissed off. He just refuses to talk about anything that might have to do with this whole situation. Even if I don't bring up mastrubation he knows that's what its coming down to and tells me he doesn't want to talk about it.

[smoothy]

EVERYONE:
I dont know, I gues the next help i need is How can i approach him without him getting so upset. Last night i tried to talk to him using the advice i got here and he still got pissed off. He just refuses to talk about anything that might have to do with this whole situation. Even if i dont bring up mastrubation he knows thats what its coming down to and tells me he doesnt want to talk about it.

Maybe BECAUSE its right on the heals on what he sees as hounding... he's not ready to hear anything just yet.

Basically you have to let the fire die down before you try to spread around the ashes, otherwise all you do is spread the fire. Give it a little bit of time... like a few days , a week maybe. And when you do... be REALLY careful what words you use. Pretend its YOU that was on the receiving end about something YOU are really sensitve about. Leave you personal opinions out of it if that makes sense as to what I'm trying to say.

You can't negotiate if you walk in swinging and refusing to hear ANY other perspective... and this IS a negotiation.

Good saying to remember is this...


"Opinions are like Buttholes.....everyone has one, and they all stink."

Go in remembering there is ALWAYS more than one perspective to any situation... and sometimes they can BOTH be right, or wrong.