[FolkDeath95]

Here's the story, my ex breaks up with me in November, but then tells me the next day it was a mistake, he wants me back and is very sorry. Things went fine until boxing day, I hadn't saw him for about 2 weeks since my grand-father died and I had been busy, we were talkingon Boxing day and he says the dreaded words "I don't think this relationship is going anywhere" 4 years we'd been together! Now, I have these urges to contact him, telling him I miss him. I dumped all my friends when I got with him and he had been my social life so now I'm doomed, when I'm out at college, I'm fine, when I get home, I just want to talk to him.

Should I just hang around and wait for him instead of doing the whole "I miss you" thing? If he doesn't do it, at least I'll know there wasn't anything missed in me not saying it.

I just need help.:confused:

[Dark but not Heartless]

I hope you don't mind me giving you advice based on a spiritual perspective, but here's what I believe. I think all successful relationships are basically "arranged". They're arranged by God, and if He wants two people to be together then He will use His divine powers to bring those people together. The catch is that He won't do that unless the people trust Him and trust their instincts. Put simply, your true love is not just going to come up and knock on your door and ask you to marry him. You have to make some of the steps yourself. I suggest you do the whole "I miss you" thing, and see where it goes. Maybe the reason he hasn't returned to you on his own is because he hasn't found the strength that God can give him to do so.

(PS: Don't assume that by breaking up with him before, you aren't meant to be together. God works in mysterious ways. He may just be testing your faith in both Him and in this guy you want.)

[FolkDeath95]

Thanks for that reply. I thought we were meant to be together though, There was something more with us, I certainly hope God finds him and helps him. I hate seeing him the way he had become. Anytime I think about him, I feel like I've been punched in the chest. I want to do the whole "I miss you" thing, but I can't help but fear his reply. I asked him when we broke up "don't you love me anymore" and he said "I hate saying things like that, but no". He also said just before we split up "I have no feelings about anything, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to have sex, I can't sleep at night" he was getting sick a lot. I said it sounded like he was depressed and my friends seem to think he left because he's depressed. I don't want to do the "I miss you" in case this drags him back.

[ordinaryguy]

He sounds really depressed. Has he been to see a doctor? How old are you/he? Based on what you've said so far I think it's premature to conclude that God has ordained that you should be together.

I dumped all my friends when I got with him and he had been my social life so now I'm doomed

Big red flag here. Not healthy to put all your social eggs in one basket.

[chuff]

I think it's time for you to move forward. I have a feeling you know that as well but are just trying to make sure. But this isn't going to work. He wanted out for a reason and maybe he was apprehensive the first time but I think he worked up his courage for the second attempt.

[little evil]

I agree with chuff. It really hurts more to beat a dead horse. Move on, if it's meant to be it will.

L.E.

[MISSIBAYBE]

The 4th year is usually the toughest year in a relationship. You will either make it or break it. I think you should move on. I know it hurts but what got me through it were friends, music, and slowly started dating again. And then he'll want you back after he sees how well you're doing without him. So take this time to love yourself again!

[FolkDeath95]

Thanks for all the advice. To answer your question, I'm 20. I told him to go to the doctors about the depression thing. Here's the real problem, I know if we get back together, it'll probably fail again, because when he tried before after that I could juse sense something wrong between us. I only really want him back right now because I've been so stressed out, I'm used to talking to him every night and to suddendly stop talking to him it's felt awful. He hasn't even made any signal that he's sorry for hurting me. I can only hope one day he'll realise how much he hurt me but, has anyone else done that? Split up with someone only to regret it and want them back?

[chuff]

Thanks for all the advice. To answer your question, i'm 20. I told him to go to the doctors about the depression thing. Here's the real problem, I know if we get back together, it'll probably fail again, because when he tried before after that I could juse sense something wrong between us.

Well let me ask you this. If a house was on fire would run back into it? Your letting your emotions cloud your judgment. You can't go back to something that isn't stable.

I only really want him back right now because I've been so stressed out, i'm used to talking to him every night and to suddendly stop talking to him it's felt awful.

There are other ways to relieve stress than talking to him. Try working out. Actually if you don't even want to do that just try going for a walk. Sometimes when I get stressed out I go for a walk for 30 minutes to 3 hours and it gets me out of the house and moving around.

He hasn't even made any signal that he's sorry for hurting me.

Because he's not.

I can only hope one day he'll realise how much he hurt me but, has anyone else done that?

No offense but what would that prove? If he ever realizes it hopefully you will have moved on and be a stronger person so his immaturity and insecurities won't matter. And if he doesn't than he stayed the same person all his life and never grew, which is quite sad.

Split up with someone only to regret it and want them back?

Yeah. Every time. Even when I wasn't going out with someone but just dating them and they cut it off I get upset. But that's because in our minds we tend to only look at the good times or think "what if" as opposed to "this is reality." That's what your doing.
Let me ask you this, if you had a daughter would you want her dating a guy that treats her like this guy is treating you? Then why do you want it for yourself?

[FolkDeath95]

Damn you Chuff, you speak a lot of sense. Thanks, you've made me see this situation for what it really is,

[chuff]

Damn you Chuff, you speak alot of sense. Thanks, you've made me see this situation for what it really is,

Thank you. I just do what I do and I speak what I really think. :D

[talaniman]

Again props to the chuffer, chuffing along getting to the real deal!

.

I dumped all my friends when I got with him and he had been my social life so now I'm doomed, when I'm out at college, I'm fine, when I get home, I just want to talk to him.

It is so unhealthy to build a life around some one else and what you should do is simple, build a life that you enjoy without him. Find what you like to do and the people you like doing it with, and move on. Easier said than done, but given the time you put in, you have lot of healing to do. Give yourself the time to do it.

[FolkDeath95]

Ok well, I know this post is old, but there has been some developments.

My ex now has a girlfriend he met almost a week after we split up... He told me when we split up that there wasn't anyone else and that he just wanted to be alone, I now know this is a lie. The thing is, it seems obvious he split up with me so he could be with her so rightfully it's OK that I'm slightly bitter, anyway the thing is, he's now complaining to me that I'm upset that he found someone so fast, am I not justified?

I can't stop feeling really bad now, I feel hidious.

[talaniman]

he's now complaining to me that I'm upset that he found someone so fast, am I not justified?

If you have been in contact with him since the breakup, no you are not justified because you are the one who has been fooling yourself. He has had a lot of time to consider his actions and has been able to move on, unlike you who have been holding out hope and not let the healing process get started. Why has he been complaining to you, if you have not been trying to stay in touch and get him back? It seems that you have found out the hard way why no contact is the way to go. Instead of being mad at him for moving on, work on yourself and a life without him.

[chuff]

My ex now has a girlfriend he met almost a week after we split up...He told me when we split up that there wasn't anyone else and that he just wanted to be alone, I now know this is a lie.

You are correct he is a liar. Hold on to that. Don't beat yourself up for it but also recognize this is who he is and you will be better off without that kind of person around.

This a positive in many ways. He proved to you exactly what you believed. He proved you correct. You haven't lost him, you gained the truth.

The thing is, it seems obvious he split up with me so he could be with her so rightfully it's ok that I'm slightly bitter, anyway the thing is, he's now complaining to me that I'm upset that he found someone so fast, am I not justified?

I can't stop feeling really bad now, I feel hidious.

You got to stop talking to him. He brings you no value in a relationship or in friendship. In my last post I asked if you would run back into an unstable building that was on fire. Of course you wouldn't. So why risk you emotional health, which is more important than your physical health by running back to someone who is so unstable.

Not to pick on you but your not emotionally stable right now either. But you can be. You just have to put out the fire. He is that fire. Once he's gone you will have to clean up a little but you'll be emotionally stable again.

[21first time mum]

Four years is a long time, I've lost my friends through an ex and all I had was him which was a big mistake because when I finally realised what a horrible person he was I had nobody there for me, I'll never choose a boyfriend over mates again, I think you can do better, you're in college have fun girl, enjoy being single and make some more friends.