[SocialyAwkward]

Hello There, I'm fairly socialy awkward, I've recently lost my grandma in 2009, which is a fairly big impact, everywhere I turn I feel guilty or ashamed, (I know the part with my grandma has an effect in this, but I recently talked about that, and felt better). I suddenly get this.. darkness over me, this... completely calm feeling, then I just break down and feel horrible. I've been picked on for years, ever sense I could remember, myself essteem is low, and I tend to try and fake a smile. I'm just recently learning that I shouldn't do that anymore, because I'd snap easily out of no reason. I don't like to deal with people Often, why do I feel so guilty? I don't even feel like harming myself, its odd.. most people who feel down and Ill give it a temp name, "Depressed" like this, feel suicidle, but Im afraid if dying for one, for two I don't like knives.. so that could be why it feels odd to me. But.. I don't know, I'm scared and ashamed, worried, and confused all the time now. I can't get to sleep on a normal baises(though that's being worked at) I feel when ever I'm denyed something I feel betrayed, and I'm confused still. Im allways paranoid, and worried that I'm being talked about behind my back, or judged up. Is there a name for this?

Signed Socialy Awkward

[joypulv]

I wrote a long reply and it disappeared!!
Please Answer: how old are you and in what country/state, and can you get to a therapy clinic? I do think you need one, especially in regards to 'snapping' (angrily at people?) and being on the edge of suicidal, regardless of being afraid to actually do it.