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    missingyou's Avatar
    missingyou Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 15, 2010, 10:37 AM
    Casual sex or possibility of relationship?
    I'm sad to say, but I been in an ongoing casual sex relationship with someone for over a year, and I'm having a hardtime leaving the relationship, I crave him, and I miss him when he's not around. We have sepnt days togther/ dinners/ campin/hiking/movies.. etc. he tells me he's a lonely bachelor. I seem to drink a lot when we are together, because I don't think he cares. Do you think if I changed my ways, he would change his.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
    Ultra Member

    Dec 15, 2010, 10:42 AM

    Just don't drink and have an honest conversation with him,at this stage even a 'friends with benefits' situation you should be able to put your cards on the table.

    He may not be on the same page but at least then you can make a decision ti move on or stay with no possibility of a future with him.

    Ask yourself what is it your getting out of this relationship now,its changed at least for you.

    You could take sex of the table and try dating? See what he has to say.

    Whatever you do you can't make someone love you or want you.
    TexasParent's Avatar
    TexasParent Posts: 378, Reputation: 73
    Full Member

    Dec 15, 2010, 12:46 PM

    The truth is, you both are in a relationship, you may want to call it a 'casual sex' relationship, but clearly you've been doing more than just getting busy with each other. My problem with this whole thing is the following, what is he waiting for? Normally in this situation the guy imagines that some other girl is the one for him, not the one he's determined to have a sex only relationship with. Ask yourself, do both of you hang out with any other people while you are together, or in his mind are you his dirty little secret that he is ashamed of? If you are hanging with others, then girl, you have a full blown relationship and he just may have some commitment phobia and it makes him feel safer to put in the 'casual sex' box.

    My point is, you clearly love the guy, but if he doesn't love you back, or at least acknowledge that you have a relationship and that you enjoy each others company, then it's time to start loving yourself and let it go. Because what you've said about your drinking and the fact that you put up with this charade of a 'casual sex' relationship for so long means that you know this is demeaning to your spirit. Please you are worth more and trust me, no matter what you have come to think about yourself due to either your past or how this guy treats you either personally or by the way he won't commit; there is someone out there who will love you for you. The trick always is, you need to love yourself. If you accept unacceptable behavior, then you will get unacceptable guys in your life who will take what you are giving freely without having to give anything back to you. It's time to believe in yourself, and start setting some boundries. You don't have to be mean about it. Perhaps just decide that you won't see him for a month or two, and see after that time he misses you, and not just for the sex. Or does he move on an find someone else who thinks so little of themselves that they will agree to a similar arrangement?

    The fact that you posted your question here is testimony that you are starting to love yourself enough to say no more.

    Like a previous poster said, you need to have an honest talk with him. Please be prepared to be hurt, and to walk away. Have courage girl and I hope he finds it in his heart to see the loving girl that has been in front of him all this time, and acknowledges it and wants to make it public.

    Good luck sweetie.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
    Uber Member

    Dec 17, 2010, 10:02 AM
    I think you crave what you want, and he is available.

    I've lost a few great loves. In time, that loss seemed diminished, especially when finding another lover. Often, the insult after a break isn't that the other lover might find another... it's that they might not want you.

    So... you say you crave him, but I think you have a need and he is available, at times, to maybe fix that for the moment. Were you to find another attentive lover, who addressed all of your needs, you wouldn't likely be struggling like you are now.

    You are mortal.

    Why are you sad about this casual relationship? "sad to say"... stands out for me. There isn't any shame in finding comfort in connection to another person. Even if its maybe hit a stopping point (and I don't know it has) that doesn't mean you have "wasted time" or done anything wrong...

    I get you clearly want more... you are seeking some stability that you don't have... which allows you to trust more, free yourself from your guard.

    So talk to him.

    The worst thing is not that he might leave. The worst thing is that you could spend precious time with a person who isn't going to be right for you long term but still struggle trying to make something unworkable work.

    I had a relationship of several years fall apart. It wasn't a failure. It wasn't easy. Hurt like hell. But I discovered a lot about myself in that time. A lot about my needs and desires and a lot about when to ignore my annoying pettiness and when to listen to that inside voice.

    You have a relationship that has hit a plateau. That isn't a problem. Its normal. Where it goes from here isn't scripted.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert

    Dec 17, 2010, 01:36 PM

    Who keeps trying to leave the relationship? Does he or is it all you trying to pull away?

    Do you ever ask him what he means when he says he is 'a lonely bachelor'? Could he be trying to change the relationship, but hitting a wall when he tries to talk to you?

    Both of you need to sit down and discuss what is going on. Stop hiding and dancing around the issue. I would hope that since both of you are old enough to have sex you are both old enough to have a discussion about a relationship.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member

    Dec 17, 2010, 01:46 PM

    Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free..

    If you want more you have to change things drastically. Right now you are a convenient pump and dump... even if you are on friendly terms.

    Sit him down... tell him and be ready to move on if he's not game.

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