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    Animus's Avatar
    Animus Posts: 93, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Dec 8, 2010, 11:48 AM
    My partner isn't willing to be spontaneous, but I need her to be, what do I do?
    My fiancÚ is the same age as me, 21, and we have known each other for over 5 years. Recently we decided to get married, I love her very much, and though we are young I feel like we are a near perfect fit for each other. Except for one thing, which really shouldn't bother me much but I am lost because I have tried to communicate my issue to her but it feels wrong to want it. I know we can work though it but I just don't know how to explain it to her.

    When we make love she want's me to take time with her, to pay attention to her whole body and very slowly move to more vigorous motions. I feel a strong desire to have more spontaneous interactions, but when I ask for this she feels like I am not showing her that I love her, she feels like I am just showing her that I want to "****". I don't have a problem taking time with her, but I can't get her to understand that the way we please each other is a two way street, that my desires aren't wrong, and they aren't expressing that I want to "****". What is it with the difference between ****ing and making love, how come if I feel passionate I am showing that I want to ****, and not make love?
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #2

    Dec 8, 2010, 02:49 PM

    Have you explained this to her? If you are planning on marrying this woman, you better make sure you can communicate even sexual desires to her. If you can't then you might want to get some counseling on how to express to each other your desires!
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #3

    Dec 8, 2010, 03:15 PM

    Hello Animus,

    Some people are different in the bedroom. Some women want to be made love to slowly, making sure you touch, kiss, and caress every squre inch of her body. Then there are women who want you to be rough and frisky, grabbing and pulling, and pinning.

    Then there are women who like both, depending on their mood.

    Maybe going to the Library and getting some books is a good start for the both of you. Maybe even watching movies together would also show her that being spontaneous can be great. She might have to be coaxed into it a little. Just make sure that you don't cross the line.

    Keep in mind though that this might just be the way it is with her. Every person is wired differently.

    I was with a man that was very old fashioned about sex. He was very sensual and passionate. Kissing every part of my body, whispering sweet things in my ear while making love to me. Lights off, under the sheets... I'm not complaining, he was a great lover and brought me to orgasm every time.

    However, like you, I felt that I needed a different setting, more rough play, more spontaneity. So, I slowly started to introduce more to our sex life, opening new doors. It started with while kissing him, taking his hand and placing it on my neck. That sort of thing.

    I always made sure that he was comfortable with it. If he would have moved his hand, then I would know that this is something that he is not interested it. We also had great communication and trust.

    However, communication is the key. If you two have been together for that leanght of time and sexually active, then you two should be able to speak about this.

    Reassuring her that you are very much in love with her, you just would like to try differnet things.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #4

    Dec 8, 2010, 03:54 PM

    You aren't wrong in wanting what you want and she should be willing to compromise, but I am not certain the two of you really know what each other wants/needs and how a compromise can be reached. Talk about it when you aren't trying to have sex. Discuss the subject and try to understand that 'methodical' and 'passionate' do not have to be mutually exclusive.

    I think you need to ask her what the difference is and why she feels that way (Did something happen in her past to affect her perceptions). She could feel that if things were more spontaneous that it wouldn't matter who you were with. Any warm body could replace her. She could be worried that if things are more spontaneous that her needs won't be met.

    Something to keep in mind is that for many women it takes time to build up to being aroused enough for intercourse to be able to even come close to reaching orgasm. That said, foreplay doesn't have to begin in bed. Start making love to each other's minds long before you get naked. How you build up to intercourse can make it seem more 'spontaneous'.

    Be aware though that her body may need the time to adjust to penetration that the slow build up gives.
    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
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    #5

    Dec 8, 2010, 05:27 PM

    I agree with all the above. Sorry couldn't give you a greenie Cat.

    I particularly like Cat's comment, 'Start making love to each other's minds long before you get naked.' Believe me if my hubby gets this just right I can be practically there before I lose a stitch. I generally love a lover with a slow hand (to steal a bit from that song), but if he gets me in the right mindset I turn pure animal. Maybe reading some erotic books or watching some films together, not particularly porn, but ones that have scenes in that either of you find erotic, so that you can share the things that turn you on mentally.

    Make sure she feels loved and desired all the time not just in the bedroom.

    Talk to each other. And listen. Try to understand one another really well. Unless your partner is totally selfish, which you don't suggest, she probably just doesn't really understand how much pleasure this would give you and that it doesn't mean you love her any less when you desire a different kind of sex.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #6

    Dec 8, 2010, 06:47 PM

    Animus, please review these rules for using the Rating/Comment Feature: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html

    We often suggest counseling as a means for people to get a neutral party's help in working through the issues and problems that arise in relationships. People do not have to be a danger to themselves or others to benefit from unbiased aid.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #7

    Dec 8, 2010, 08:19 PM
    Balance is good. Which means both sides give a little.

    I think you should sometimes be able to be all about you. I think sometimes you should be all about her. And its wonderful when you both can lose yourselves in each other.

    So... she objects sometimes to your focusing on yourself. k. can you bring her to orgasm orally first? Are you willing to spend a couple of hours on her? Give her a steaming hot shower with your hand over her skin... not about you, but about sensitizing her? Spending time after in the bedroom letting her mind and body adjust, getting ready for your pulling her to the edge of the bed?

    Just saying... I think oral on a woman first to orgasm, or close, is a fantastic thing... she gets hers (and maybe more later), her body is best primed to receive you, and less pressure for you to hold back.

    So... whether its oral on her... or her self stimulating while you confuse her body with kisses at the neck and fingers drawn over her skin... are you willing to sometimes do the work that is needed to make it about her first so that you may lose yourself in your moment later?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #8

    Dec 9, 2010, 04:58 AM

    I've known several women who were so horribly bad in bed... (and by that I mean they made the puritans look like a swingers club) I seriously entertained the thought of chewing my arm off to make a quiet escape without waking them up.

    I have no doubt there are men that are equally clueless out there.

    Consider this a wake-up call as to this is how they are... they might otherwise be wonderful people... but if this aspect is such a huge mismatch its going to cause unhappiness in the long run.

    True all relationships involve compromise... but this might be the case that if you both somehow managed to meet midway... you would BOTH remain unhappy.
    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
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    #9

    Dec 9, 2010, 05:53 AM

    Sometimes it's not so much about compomise as about finding the right approach.

    My hubby used to swear that nobody could make Sunday roast as good as his mum. One day, after becoming accustomed to mine, when we had been to his mum's for dinner, he was genuinely surprised to find he had actually come to prefer mine.

    Sometimes we feel we know what we like but need a little reassurance to try something new and find it's a whole lot of fun. Once we realise that this is true it makes us more keen to keep sampling new delights.

    Of course there are people who will remain convinced that there is only one way to cook up a roast and aren't even willing to consider a little relish to go with it. I think it's still worth trying a few different approaches here before coming to this conclusion just yet.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #10

    Dec 9, 2010, 07:04 AM

    IF it is about pleasure-who gets what and when-then compromise can be easier to find.

    IF it is about feeling like a blow-up doll or like it doesn't matter whose body you are using to get-off, it will take more work to help her understand that passionate sex doesn't mean that the 'connection' between individuals is put aside. The passion is there because of her and that it wouldn't be the same with anyone else.

    'Getting yours' should not leave her feeling like she has been used. It is a feeling that does not go away with an orgasm.

    I will once again caution you that she may need the build up to penetration so that she doesn't end up with physical problems like tearing. It doesn't mean that the build up can't be 'passionate'.
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #11

    Dec 9, 2010, 08:11 AM

    Animus,

    I suggeted counseling so you and your girlfriend to go and speak with someone impartial. Who could give suggestions to both of you how to go about improving this situation for BOTH of you. A place you both could talk without embarrassment. Counseling is a neutral place, not just for indivdual who feel they are going to harm to themselves!! Its kind of like this place where you come you ask complete stranger for their OPINIONS on your situation. If they are kind enough to take the time to read it and give their OPINION, we can only hope the person asking for those opinions are not so RUDE as to give you a unhelpful mark due to their inexperience to how counseling could help people with their sexual questions!!
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #12

    Dec 9, 2010, 08:45 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by smoothy View Post
    I've known several women who were so horribly bad in bed....(and by that I mean they made the puritans look like a swingers club) I seriously entertained the thought of chewing my arm off to make a quiet escape without waking them up.
    :eek::eek:
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #13

    Dec 9, 2010, 03:25 PM

    I tend to need the slow stuff to orgasm. However, I realize that it's important for my hubby to be spontaneous sometimes. It's an animal thing.

    When we talked about it we compromised. He can have anal sex just on his birthday. But if I'm in the shower, he is welcome to join me anytime for some quick stuff.

    I enjoy that he wants me and giving him pleasure is fun and a period of togetherness... As long as I can wash afterward with the hand-held shower. A blow job is okay too because I am not left with a dripping mess.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #14

    Dec 10, 2010, 06:16 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    :eek::eek:
    Heck... I was a lot younger and was a nice guy... they were otherwise nice women and couldn't find it in my heart to tell them just how bad they were... several decades later... I still don't know how to tactfully approach that situation without them taking it like a punch in the gut.

    If they weren't so nice otherwise I could have just flat out been honest about it... but jeeze... they really were that bad. Even with the benefit of hindsight. Sometimes you really do have to tell a white lie.

    Yeah talking is usually good... but where would you even start in that situation. Without being hurtful. And neither of them was mean or even spiteful, otherwise extremely pleasant women. Just headstrong and clueless.
    WhiteWitch's Avatar
    WhiteWitch Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #15

    Dec 10, 2010, 11:27 PM
    I like to say that everyone definitely gave you the right advice :)

    See, coming from someone who always gets the quickey... I can say she is a wine and dine but... can be frisky and sharp too! She may take time to get to the stage you are asking for. She is a woman of intellect and a sign of the earth... as you say there is a time for making love and a time for ****ing. The reason why "we" don't allow it to go so far as to what it is that you" want...eventually that is what it becomes...there is no reason to seek beyond the provided (so the insecurity)...notwithstanding she will not deny you once stimulated in the direction you desire.

    Like everyone said about communication of your emotions. There is nothing wrong for asking about what you want "as long as you give what you receive"!

    At the same time... for you to be here in the first place looking for answers I think is a start to the right way of trying to help a situation. It takes a great deal of strength to come and list it!

    This is it for me... I love the red peddles and jacuzzi's BUT I can be subject to my partner and his needs as well! It's about feeding the appetite, taking a break and giving it some appetizers! There is sometime where it is ruff and quick and others where it is slow and pleasing... if you go quick you may miss out on the pleasure and as a creature of pleasure and pillow building... comfort, love, affection and lust is the response. She loves the good things in life vs. a matter of being true to yourself! If you are here in question... you are questioning your relationship or you ability to relax and take things slow? Smell her, feel her and take her as your own.
    Animus's Avatar
    Animus Posts: 93, Reputation: 3
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    #16

    Dec 13, 2010, 01:20 PM
    Comment on QLP's post
    I believe this was the keenest, most well articulated response bravo!
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #17

    Dec 14, 2010, 12:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by smoothy View Post
    Heck...I was a lot younger and was a nice guy.....they were otherwise nice women and couldn't find it in my heart to tell them just how bad they were....several decades later....I still don't know how to tactfully approach that situation without them taking it like a punch in the gut.

    If they weren't so nice otherwise I could have just flat out been honest about it...but jeeze.....they really were that bad. Even with the benifit of hindsight. Sometimes you really do have to tell a white lie.

    Yeah talking is usually good.....but where would you even start in that situation. Without being hurtful. And neither of them was mean or even spiteful, otherwise extremely pleasent women. Just headstrong and clueless.
    How considerate of you... :rolleyes:

    Perhaps you should have taught them to be better lovers, instead of worring about insulting them.

    Just saying...
    ITstudent2006's Avatar
    ITstudent2006 Posts: 2,243, Reputation: 329
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    #18

    Dec 14, 2010, 04:24 PM

    Marriage is a two-way street. You give, she gives. Communicating your ideas and your sexual desires should be welcomed by the other party as pleasing your partner is usually a high in itself.

    Like another poster said. There is a time for passionate love and a time for ****ing. Regulating these times and communicating well with your spouse (congrats by the way) is a sure way to balance eachothers sexual desires. These are not needs as stated in your title. These are desires or wants.

    I agree 100% with the advice given on this thread and hope you find this advice as enjoyable and accurate as I did. (hey even those with wives and g/f's now don't mind a little advice on someone elses' behalf) ;)
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #19

    Dec 15, 2010, 09:24 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    How considerate of you....:rolleyes:

    Perhaps you should have taught them to be better lovers, instead of worring about insulting them.

    Just sayin...
    True... but one flat out refused... and told me her reasons ( victim of rape by someone she knew, and oral and anal was two things she was intimidated into doing, she never did counceling)she wasn't otherwise bad... just was completely unadventureous, and well one act gets boring without some variety or shaking it up a bit. The other was a divorced woman who I came to learn was a boozer. She's have a beer in her hand by 10am. And her attitude (which I can still vividly remember 28 years later) was heck... if you want to ****, have at it... and just lay there like a corpse. Seriously.. maybe I gave up too soon... maybe I just didn't know as much then as I do now... maybe there was more to it than just that... and I preffered sober women. She was a MILF back before the term was coined (ten years my senior). Take away the booze and the necrophillia component she wasn't unpleasent or bad looking. But those were two big hurdles to jump... and as a 20 year old... I wasn't up to dealing with them at the time. Not with someone I had more ties to than an early stage relationship. Had they been a long time friend or family... it might have been different. I was fresh out of college... a long way from home... and still struggling to get myself established and to some financial stability. My hands were pretty full at the time. But I'm a good hearted person, and not a cad. There were a few more that weren't so hot, those were just the two worst.

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