[blondndisguise5]

I constantly feel empty and I really do not know why.

I am 20 years old and in a sorority, most recently I was the Vice President of the governing body of all the sororities on my campus and pulled off an amazing recruitment for over 500 women, I have an amazing boyfriend, a few solid friendships, a great family, I will be studying abroad in January which I am really looking forward too (This however, is causing IMMENSE stress and I am paying for it on my own) and I have a job that makes me happy (waitress for now)

However, I feel alone worthless meaningless and depressed. I have been anorexic, and bulimic and since I have quite I have gained 15 lbs ( I have also had no time to work out because of upperdivision college, my position, work etc and I can not seem to get back into a rhythm). This semester I had a teacher sexually harass me regularly I reported it to a few people but not the administration for my school because I do not want to deal with paper work and all the bs and I know none of them care and I know he does not. But I have NO reason to be. I really do not want to seek medical help because I do not like pills but all psychiatrists say the same thing.

Its just that... what is the point to life? How do I have a fulfilled existence and feel good about myself? Despite my accomplishments I am so hard on myself, I tear myself apart and I am so mean in my mental voice. What should I do? Why am I so sad and mad all the time?

[masterofnotmuch]

I was the same way basically think it's too much stress I ended up with gastritis and low self esteem. I was the chief justice in my dormitory at my vocational collage (highest position in the dorm BTW) what I found makes me fell better about myself is finding a hobby that you really enjoy doing I found that shooting handguns is relaxing to me so that's what I do most of my weekends now. Hope that helps you out a bit at-lest

[Clemintine]

I hear you, when things are fine yet we still feel like crap. What is all that? And WHY? Why can't there just be a time when everything is okay.
I suffer from Sleep problems that have plagued my every day of life, from it Depression, Anxiety and Ednos has resulted. Every day seems like this blind bumbling to the next day and why: it's boring and pointless. I think it's routine that drives us crazy, definitely does for me. There is no use denying our human nature of wanting change, our brains are plastic and love to change and learn, it's amazing how doing something new once a day can keep our minds healthy and in shape. A passage from something I read the other day "We must be learning if we are able to feel fully alive, and when life, or love, becomes too predictable and it seems like there is little left to learn, we become restless--a protest, perhaps, of the plastic brain when it can no longer preform it's essential task."
Although this trip your paying for is stressing you out now... I believe it's going to help you a LOT. I went overseas recently and my god I felt alive again, I ATE and I had FUN and I didn't MIND. Hahaa... sorry enough about me, I just hope to show you I relate, and I have a good feeling about this trip to help you, As much as everything is stressful now think on how great it will be, having something to look forward to is really important...
All the things you have accomplished and how high in social status you are doesn't always help you feel fulfilled it sometimes is not enough and does not make us happy. We DO change throughout our lives, and when we feel worthless it means we need to change what's going on with us, figure out what we need to feel better, to feel whole.
I also want to point out DAMN if you're a waitress you do not need to worry about working out.. Talk about standing on your feet and running around all day as a workout enough! Though I know it's not always enough hah, but from a normal and healthy point of view that is a lot of work and stress on your body!
About stress, it is a tough thing to deal with and it can drag down on us. Having a teacher sexually harass you does not help! Though you may not care or think your worth the trouble of saving, fill out the goddamn papers. Get this man under someone's radar, think about the other people that have to deal with this guy. Your living proof of him being a bad person and you can help stop his actions. It doesn't matter if he doesn't care or the administration doesn't care, you could and you could do something about it. Get him and the administration in trouble for not caring! For yourself and all the other women who put up with this crap daily! Your allowed to even call the police and report it! That can be fun hah
I would appreciate it if you did, for what that's worth, what if I went to that school one year and had to put up with it? You never know! Too many people let this stuff fly and it just gets worse and worse.
That part of you that talks down to yourself and tears you up inside... To deal with that is tough, but you have to pinpoint when that voice starts bad talking you. Not just trying to stop it but make sure you write it down, when it happens what caused it and a way you can make it not so bad next time. Work on these situations and learn how to point them out so you know when your inner critic starts coming out you can either talk yourself through it with a positive tone, or avoid what is making you upset. I would hesitate about avoiding it though, learning to avoid things that make you upset just leads down another road of anxiety and letting it take over your life and stop you from even going outside. But at least if it's say drinking a certain cup of tea, that earl grey tea makes you hate yourself, don't drink it anymore! OR learn to talk yourself through it, telling yourself it's not the tea that's your inner critic being a douche and tell it to shut up and actually your awesome.
Basically learn to pinpoint what can set off your really bad spirals, and move past them... Knowing and recognizing what is happening and when is a big part of the battle, usually with me it sneaks up for no reason and I am all of a sudden in the worst mood, telling myself I am horrible and wishing I were dead. It's scary how fast it sneaks, but when that first thought creeps up in your head just get up and walk somewhere, figure it out what set you off.
Please don't doubt the capabilities of medical professionals, yes a lot are pill pushers, and a lot of them say the same thing, The beauty of it is you get to choose who your stuck with and that's exactly what you do, is shop around for who's right for your needs. If you ever feel pressured or like nobody is listening to you when your paying them to analyze you and listen to you, then leave and get referred to someone else. I got lucky with who I went to for couples therapy, she was right for us off the bat.. Though I know it could have taken months, And these people know this happens they are okay if you say "this isn't the right fit, please recommend me to another colleague of yours!" They have so many colleagues it's amazing, one is bound to help you!
Clinic docs are not trained to deal with our brains, Psychiatrists are the ones to see if you want someone who knows what they're doing (most of the time) but they are also the ones who can prescribe you pills. Psychologists are the ones who can't (or prefer not too) prescribe medicines, and might be what you would want to see if your seeking professional help. They have full on just talking sessions with you, that can be extremely enlightening and helpful... This is based on my experience with my couples therapist, not once has she ever even suggested meds for me or my boyfriend and she has helped us see some pretty amazing stuff that had been going on this whole time but we never could point it out. They see unbiased, our patterns in our daily lives and point them out and help us break out of the bad habits and such...
Okay I am full on rambling I'm sorry, I just feel for you here... hits home with me, someone with an all right life to the outsider looking in, but feels so tortured and just wished there was a reason for it all, for feeling so horrible constantly. I start to feel like I have no reason to feel like this, and then I feel worse because I feel like I'm just being whiney and pointless even more. Horrible... But it's important to remember, sometimes we do feel like **** and it's okay, no matter how great it may seem to everyone else you are you and you know something is wrong, and it's fine to feel that.

By the way, I am in recovery too, I "quit" my Ednos, or trying too hah! IF you ever have troubles or feel like your slipping down that road again know I am around if you need to talk, I'll do my best to be supportive. I know how it is, today I put on my pants and they were tighter than usual. Christmas is a scary time for me (and I believe for all peoples with an ED), it's hard to sort of give up that control and secure feeling that you have something you can make sure is always right in your life. I know this is healthier though, it is! And that we are beautiful people!
I hope you find your way and feel good about yourself, fulfilled and happy, please watch out for yourself!