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jake93 · Dec 4, 2010, 03:44 PM

My girlfriend just turn 16 and I'm 17. We've been dating for a little over a year and haven't done much more than mess around. The times we have talked about sex she's told me she wasn't ready to take that next step in our relationship. No I didn't really push the issue. I told her that I could wait for whenever she was ready and we left it at that. I'm not a virgin but she is so I really wanted her to decide when she did it and who she did it with.

Well last night we were messing around and went a little farther than usually so I stopped and asked her if it was OK. She said yeah so we kept going. Well before we went all the way I asked her if she was sure, she said yes but when I looked her in the eyes I could tell or I thought I could tell that she really wasn't. I thought I saw fear in her eyes or just something was there that made me think she just wasn't completely there and processing what she was telling me. Like she wasn't sure of herself.

I don't know why but that scared me and I just jumped back off her. I felt like I was hurting her just like that or I was scared that I was going to. I REALLY wanted to have sex with her right there but I knew I would feel guilty if she wasn't really ready and was only agreeing to it because we were "in the moment". I didn't want her to have any regrets. I wanted her to be able to come to me out of the blue and tell me she was really ready. I just wanted to be sure. I really think I love this girl. I've told her I've loved her many times before but now I feel like I actually mean it. I just didn't know how to tell her any of this.

She ended up crying because she thought "I didn't want her" or "I didn't love her anymore". She's so wrong. I wanted to tell her how I felt but I just didn't know how to. So I asked her if she wanted me to take her home. She said yes. So that's what I did. We didn't talk at all on the way to her house. And when we got there I would have normally walked her to the door but she got out of the car and went straight to her door. She didn't even say anything to me . I called her this morning a few times but she won't pick up the phone. So I called her house phone and her dad picked up. When I asked him if I could speak to her he told me she wasn't feeling well and to call back.

Now I really need some help. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. Does this mean she broke up with me? I didn't mean to hurt her. I just didn't know how to tell her. What should I tell her?
I don't usually put my business out there like this but this is something really important to me, I just need some help. And something like this is too fragile to go to my friends with. I've just never felt this way about a girl before and now I feel like I'm losing her. What do I do?

Wondergirl · Dec 4, 2010, 03:45 PM

She's under the mistaken belief that sex from a guy means he loves her. You DIDN'T have sex with her because you love her. That's what she needs to hear and believe.

J_9 · Dec 4, 2010, 03:50 PM

I completely agree with Wondergirl's advice.

You also need to tell her that you are not ready to be a father and that sex = parenthood.

Blackula · Dec 4, 2010, 03:50 PM

Tell her everything that you wrote here. Open communication is the most important aspect of a relationship, and if the lines of communication break down every time there is a stressor than that will result in severe problems down the road, which will ultimately destroy your relationship. Ultimately, you guys have no business having sex if you can't speak openly about it. Keep in mind that a woman's first time is often going to be physically painful (assuming that her hymen is intact) and emotionally traumatic if you are not a compassionate partner. That you can control yourself enough to back off in the heat of the moment and think about what is best for your partner says a lot about your good character. Make sure to carry protection with you now that you know this can potentially happen.

ScottGem · Dec 4, 2010, 05:08 PM

NEITHER of you were ready to have sex. Are you ready to have a child? If not, then you aren't ready for sexual intercourse.

I will say you did the right thing. You had to be 100% sure she was ready and since you weren't, you were right in backing off. Where you were wrong was in letting it get that far in the first place. Nowhere did you mention protection, which make is even worse that you let it get that far.

So the question is now, how do you repair the damage. That's pretty simple, but it requires getting a message to her. And this can't be texting or e-mail as they aren't private enough. So if she won't meet with you write her an old fashioned letter. In that letter tell her you understand how hurt she must have felt, but you were thinking ONLY of her. Tell her how you feel about her and tell that you saw something in her eyes that made you feel she was giving in for your sake, not because she really wanted to. Tell her that's not the way you want it. That you love her too much to do it when you are not absolutely sure she wants it. Tell her also that you weren't prepared to do it safely. And also tell her, that there is too great a risk of pregnancy and you think you both should wait until you are both more ready.

You might also check the age of consent laws in your area. You might be able to add that doing it would have been illegal as well.

Jeha · Dec 9, 2010, 07:39 AM

I agee with every one I also see yo have respect for her, just find her alone some time and basically tell her every thing you have told us. She need to hear it. She is a little confused. Do not be afriad to go speak to her from your heart. Good luck

Jessica_Tilton · Dec 9, 2010, 02:11 PM

This is called a misunderstanding. Basically, when you push her away to stop her from continuing she is assuming you are rejecting her and did not accept her from giving herself to you. From what I read, both of you are confuse and didn't even ready for it especially if the girl is a virgin. They have curious intention even though they aren't sure if they want it or not. If she really broke up with you she doesn't want anything in her life relating about you. Text her and said "Can we discuss about this?" or "Can we meet up somewhere?" even though she won't reply she 'll bound to read it. If any luck she'll tell you if she want it or not. Sometimes you need a little patient and go easy on her. Girls are easily felt offended and sensitive. Good luck, I hope this helps!