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    sm1990's Avatar
    sm1990 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 2, 2010, 04:55 PM
    Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me any more?
    My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 4 months, and up until recently we would have sex at least once a day, now I'm lucky if we have sex once in a fortnight. He's my first sexual partner and until now I hadn't really realised I had such a high sex drive. We knew each other well and had been out together several times before we decided we'd make things "official" and he let me get used to the idea of being in a relationship before we started fooling around, and even then it was almost a month before we actually had sex- he wanted to make sure I was ready and it was what I really wanted before we went all the way. It always seemed like he was much more into me at that point than I was into him. But now I'm afraid this isn't the case any more. I drop all the hints I can without actually saying "for God's sake will you just have sex with me" and after about an hour of trying to get him the mood when he clearly isn't responding I give up, he thinks I'm just mardy and he goes home or boots me out of his house with the feeblest of excuses. When we do eventually have sex I am ALWAYS the one to initiate it, unless he's had a few beers, and then he is barely capable. I just feel like he doesn't want me any more; or that, I'm not allowed to want to have sex, but he should get it when he wants it- which is not often. Sometimes, I'll get turned on, and I think sometimes he knows it and he'll say he has to go/ or that he's going to have to boot me out. So I'm not mardy, I'm upset and feel very rejected. I usually end up in tears out of frustration and the fact that he has hurt me. I hate to think it's because he's cheating, since he's told me in previous relationships (yes more than once) women have cheated on him and he would never wish it on anyone else. I don't know if he just found something suddenly unattractive about me that turns him off so he can't have sex with me, but I'm getting so down about this. I'e tried talking to him about it, but I get so wound up and upset that in the end I just have to leave because he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. Can anyone help? Is anyone even still interested after that long winded explanation? I hope so.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #2

    Dec 3, 2010, 06:09 AM

    Due to age restrictions for those posting on the Adult Sexuality Board and because it can help in understanding what the issues could be, I am going to ask: How old are both of you?
    sm1990's Avatar
    sm1990 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Dec 3, 2010, 06:53 AM
    I'm 22 and he is 30. I know in this day and age it's odd to still have been a virgin at 22. But in a way it's a fact I'm proud of.
    At this stage in a relationship especially at our ages, sex isn't something I want to be fighting about, but it's turning into a major issue for me. I wouldn't mind if he was only up for it a couple of times a week, I could handle that, but every time I try he pushes me away in one form or another, and only wants it when he wants it, so when we do eventually have sex, I feel like he's only doing it to appease me, not because he wants to.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #4

    Dec 3, 2010, 08:45 AM

    There are a lot of things that can affect a person's libido. Factors can include everything from stress and exhaustion to medications and self-medicating (smoking, marijuana, drinking, etc.). Some people have naturally low libidos and only build up a need for sex once a month or so. Some people get turned off when they begin to feel that the only thing their partner wants is sex instead of intimacy. Yes, there is a difference.

    It is easy to get caught up in the pleasure and endorphin rush that sex can bring and to over-look other forms of intimacy. If he does initiate things like kissing and cuddling, are you trying to get it to go farther?

    What do you know about his past relationships and why he thinks his exes have 'cheated' on him? Could he have been overly interested in you in the beginning because he thought your libido was going to be slower due to your being a virgin when you met? I hope this thought is way off base, but he is the type who is more into getting the new conquest and not the upkeep of the relationship?

    You have barely begun a relationship with him and it sounds like both of you need to learn how to communicate with each other about the entire relationship and not just sex. I am going to suggest that you refrain from trying to have sex until you can communicate with him about what both of you need and expect. Remember that not only does he need to listen to you but you have to listen to him. See if you can work together to find a compromise. If you can't, then you need to face the possibility that this may not be a good match for you.

    IF it isn't working out and you can't work together, then end it instead of trying to hold on to something that is only hurting you.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #5

    Dec 3, 2010, 10:53 AM

    Sorry if this comes across as a bit blunt... I'm having one of those days.

    But you have only been together for 4 months... maybe he is coming to believe that the relationship isn't all that... while you still do. Heck... you can go about 6 months just on the new p***y adrenaline.

    There is a huge difference between just being friends... and being in a relationship with benefits.

    Like I said... sorry if that's blunt... but it really appears that he isn't as happy with this relationship as you are. Like I said... friends is one thing... boyfriend/girlfriend is a whole different can of worms.
    sm1990's Avatar
    sm1990 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Dec 3, 2010, 03:52 PM
    I know there's a difference between sex and intimacy or dare I use the "L" word. It's not that he does't still kiss and cuddle me. And I realise I made myself sound like a sex-crazed loon. It's not like I want it all the time, most of the time I am happy to just be with him and chill. But if the thought occurs it's nice to have it fulfilled. We were good friends before I eventually took the risk and said yes after he'd chased and asked me out previous times (a worry, since it could have been the chase that did it for him, but I don't think so), and apart from this, it's been the best risk I ever took. We have a great time together whatever we do because we do spend a lot of time doing normal "couple's" stuff and going out and we can talk about anything... but this, because I suppose I'm too embarrassed to talk about it. I guess I'm kind of afraid of damaging his ego, even though he's damaging my self- confidence, which was never high until we started dating and he made (and still usually does) me feel so good about myself.
    And it's not that he "thinks" his exes have cheated on him, a few years back one of them openly admitted to having an affair and that was the reason they broke up, understandably. But, no, I don't believe that it's the fact he's more into the conquest than the upkeep, he's only really had 2 previous relationships before me. Week or 2 flings once or twice, but not real relationships. I have actually done the whole 14 year old girl thing and asked his best friend ( and his sister who he's close with) about his past girlfriends, and both correlate with what he has told me himself.
    I'm not worried about the fact that he doesn't still care or want to be intimate, I am worried that I may have done or said something to turn him off, or I'm no longer doing the right things to turn him on. Which I guess is something we need to discuss like the adults we supposedly are. (Apart from sexually, I am actually, if I do say so myself, a very mature 22 yr old).
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #7

    Dec 3, 2010, 04:03 PM

    Have that chat again with him and get everything out in the open so that it can be addressed and sorted out. Write it down if it makes it easier to share with him.

    It is easy to start believing that it's something you said or did, but odds are good it has nothing to do with anything you might have done at all. You won't know until you discuss it with him.

    You need to speak up and he needs to be more understanding since it appears you have obviously tried to discuss it before and he has left you hanging knowing full well that it is difficult for you to talk about and upsets you.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #8

    Dec 6, 2010, 07:47 AM

    You can't go wrong talking with him... just keep in mind to use the right tone that wouldn't upset YOU if it was him doing it... People can sometimes take a sarcastic and condecending tone that WILL usually provoke exactly what they don't want as a response.

    But like Synnen says... if you can't talk to someone you shouldn't be having sex with them.

    And you were friends long enough that shouldn't be a problem. You know each other well enough to know what buttons NOT to push.
    brennan_no1's Avatar
    brennan_no1 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Dec 16, 2010, 04:39 PM
    I know exactly how you feel, except I have been with my partner for 8 years!
    When we first met and started going out (because I fancied her big time, and she couldn't get enough of me! Lol) we didn't have sex until about 1.5 months into the relationship.
    I was her first and have been her only, which is good, we did have regular sex for a while but as time went by it gradually got longer and longer before I would "get it" again.
    Now I am pulling my hair out because I'm lucky to have it once a month! Now I love sex, and think about it a lot, and I love my partner but, this is going to split us up and that's a fact, if I don't get it soon and it continues to go this way I have no other option but to find someone else.
    I have not had sex now for probably 2 months and that's ridiculas, I can't live with this, so all I can say to you is if its not happening now, expect it to get worse, and if I was you I'd get out of there and find someone who appreciates you and your body.
    I would never be able to turn it down if temopted and all I can say is your man must be gay!
    Why don't we kill 2 birds with one stone and hook up! Lol
    Only joking,. unless you want to...
    Anyway email me if you want to chat about it because to be honest just by talking about it on the internet I feel abit better so maybe talking to someone in the same position would help me out, or move me on, either way I'm not prepared to waste what great potential I have down there! Lol

    Laters.
    EMAIL REMOVED
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #10

    Dec 16, 2010, 05:42 PM

    brennan_no1, if you would like help with your issues, please start your own thread. Background details and what you have tried in the past to resolve the conflict can help us give you more accurate advice for your problems.

    Thank you.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #11

    Dec 16, 2010, 07:04 PM

    Also note that off-site contact solicitation is strictly prohibited. DO NOT POST YOUR EMAIL ON THE INTERNET!

    All answers must be posted publicly on the thread.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #12

    Dec 17, 2010, 09:41 AM
    Rehashing what has been said already in the above posts.

    First... as smoothy said, there can be a period where a lovers drive is not their "normal" drive. I went through this, in a maddening manner, with an ex who was receptive to my advances when I was most driven when dating, but later became completely neglectful to these once the relationship became serious.

    Both our faults in the end.

    She was running on the rush of the wonderful discovery of a new relationship. I assumed her attention would stay focused, even strengthen.

    Nope. She was an early morning girl, I was a late night guy. She, since the age of 9, had a ritual of reading herself to sleep at night. So... in time I found myself competing with softback books, when I was most primed, easy to please, and looking for connection.

    Maddening. Unintentionally broke a sink in frustration one night. Lift hard enough on porcelain and it apparently can crack... thank god for superglue.

    So... sexual compatibility is something that I think most couples don't really find until they have time invested. Anyone can be amped about touching new skin for the first time. Kissing new lips eagerly for the first time.

    Repeat. Over and over. Then add the stressors of normal living. Our quirks and demands and needs we don't even know we need.

    Ultimately, fear is The Worst thing you can embrace in any relationship, about any issue.

    Fear of talking to him... comes from what he might do if you address this head on. He might be mad. Hurt. Leave.

    So...

    Not to be callous.. but so? If you directly talk to him about what you need, even when you aren't sure but you know what is happening isn't it, and he scoffs.

    Well... he is human. Mortal. We often reply by being defensive.

    But that won't get you laid. Sorry. At some point you need to understand your obligation is to yourself first, and that talking to your lover about your needs will only make things better. Sometimes short term, sometimes long term.

    I've had some big crash and burn relationships but the very best things I've learned from good lovers and good friends is that good communication is key.

    It isn't always easy. You have to get out of your own way. You have to approach it openly. But you have to do it.

    Lots and lots of reasons his drive can be down.

    If you tell him about your needs and he makes noise he doesn't agree or doesn't understand or doesn't care or all the above.

    Glad you posted. Trust you will get to a better place. Maybe with him. Maybe not. But always trust that you can get yourself to a better place.

    Just the truth. But, again, not always free. Takes work.

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