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Inspired · Dec 2, 2010, 08:24 AM

Hi everyone, I have a dilemma. I was in a relationship for 3 months. He cheated on me 2 months after he asked me to be exclusive with him and be his girlfriend. This happened 10 days ago and I told him it was over. At first he was very apologetic but now I have noticed that every time we talk about the subject, he gets upset with me and tries to make me feel guilty. For example, when I brought it up, he said that the roles could be turned around because he did not know what I was doing since I never introduced him to my friends. My question is, why do guys try to make their spouse feel guilty when they were the ones who messed up? It would be great to get a guys perspective on this. Thanks for reading my question.

ironhide262 · Dec 2, 2010, 08:42 AM

Please don't judge the rest of us because of this jerk. A man will own up to his mistakes. He's just a smug, arrogant a$$ who thinks you will fall for his pathetic excuse. Be happy that you are out of his life.

talaniman · Dec 2, 2010, 05:31 PM

He is trying to make you feel guilty to share the blame of his actions, and relieve him from all the fault. You did right dumping him, and even that made him mad because he can't get his way. Typical for people, not just guys, who don't want to suffer the consequences of his actions, for getting caught being in the wrong.

Leave him to his misery, leave him alone, and make him leave you alone.

Devorameira · Dec 3, 2010, 06:55 AM

Not all guys try to make women feel guilty... only the controlling ones. He doesn't want to accept any responsibility for his actions, he wants you to shoulder it.

You'd be wise to go total no contact and move on without him. You're lucky to have found out what a useless, cheating, controlling jerk he is this early in the relationship, so you should be able to move on easily.

Inspired · Dec 3, 2010, 09:20 AM

Thanks all for the wonderful advice. I am thankful for finding out early but I am also very hurt because he was sooooooo nice to me. He was the nicest person I have ever met, but I guess that wsa all a game too. How can someone be so fake for that long?

Cat1864 · Dec 3, 2010, 09:21 AM

People (male and female) don't like having their mistakes brought up after they feel like they have done all that they can to rectify the problem. It is common for people to strike out when they feel pressured or like they are being attacked.

He cheated. You dumped him. He apologised. What more is there to do or know besides it is time to let go and move forward?

Don't try to stay in a relationship with someone who couldn't stay faithful for three months. Don't try to work it out and 'fix' the problem. Don't feel that because you are still upset, he should be too. The tickets for the Guilt Trip cost more than you really want to pay.

Do let go and heal.

Cheating is not about what you did but about what he couldn't.

Inspired · Dec 19, 2010, 07:01 PM

Here is my story... I met a guy at a party back in September and we hit it off really well. He asked to take me to dinner the next day and we went out. From that point on he was the most sweetest, nicest guy I had ever met. He constantly called, texted, took me out, cooked for me, and was very caring. We had a 6 year age difference (I am 30, he was 24) which bothered me a bit. I expressed that this bothered me because at this stage of my life I was looking for something serious. He assured me not to worry because he was looking for the same and that he was not here to waste my time.

I also noticed that initially he would lie to me about his career and I just pushed it off as he was trying to impress me. He had just recently finished his B.S degree and I had been in my career as an electrical engineer for over 6 years. I think he felt that he needed to continue to impress me and continued to lie about his career.

I also told him that since I have not been in a relationship in a while, that I wanted to take things slow (this included not having sex for a while) and he said he was fine with that and to take all the time I need. Even though I wanted to take things slow, it turned out that we ended up spending almost every weekend together, which I actually enjoyed. After 6 weeks of dating and him being so wonderful, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted and three weeks after that date I found him cheating on me. He denyed everything and I stopped talking to him for a few days. Then he said he wanted to make it up to me by doing something special over the weekend. We continued to argure during the week so I asked him If I could see him during the week to talk. He agreed and I went over and we talked and after an hour he told me he had plans. I told him that was fine and that I will leave. I called him later that evening and he kept wispering and hanging up on me and I finally asked him if he had a girl over there. He denyed it and said he had to go. That night I finally said enough is enough and broke it off. I called him over the weekend because I was hurt and just wanted to know how he could tell me he had never had these feelings for a girl and then cheat on me 2 days later. He kept denying everything and said a lot of mean and hurtful things to me. I have not talked to him since, so its been a month.

My question is how do I get over this. I know that we only knew each other for 2 months but It continues to shock and affect me. I do not understand how a person who acted so wonderfully could cheat on me and then try to deflect what he did by pointing out my faults (according to him, one of them was that I never introducted him to my friends and family, of which in the relationship he said he was fine with because I told him I wait until I am serious with a person before introducting them to my family and friends). Then he proceeded to say that he did not know what I was doing when I was out with my friends and I may have been cheating on him too. I just need some advice to get over the shock of how fake this person was and I constantly question if everything he did and said during the two months was real or not.

joypulv · Dec 19, 2010, 08:02 PM

OOO KKAAAAAYYY
Our job, and that of all your friends and family, is to tell you that he wasn't for you, that you are a fine person meant for a really nice guy, not this guy! So you can hear it here but you need to tell close friends so they can hug you and drag you out to restaurants and places.
I mean it - he's not unlike many young men, who are sweet as can be while lying and playing the field. Starting with lying about his career! Hey, the writing was on the wall then and there. He couldn't handle your 6 years of work over him. Bad, bad start. He enjoyed impressing you with his cooking and all, but it wore off. Be GLAD.
Men have a stereotype about not being communicators when problems arise, not wanting confrontation. If he is that type, he acted as though all was fine until he couldn't any more - very common. Don't try to get closure with him; it's not worth it. Write him off. YAY! Now go call all your friends and they will take care of you.

Inspired · Dec 19, 2010, 08:28 PM

Joypulv, thanks for your answer. I agree that he did not want to communicate about things. Once we got into a very small argument and he got quiet. Later on I told him "I know we got into an arguement and baby, if anything bothers you, lets talk about it. You can always communicate with me". And he was like "no we didnt get into an arguement. Everything is perfect and nothing bothers me. I am so lucky to have you and so happy". He always said the right words all the time. It always sounded too good to be true.

I have been going out with friends but am still down in the dumps, especially when I am alone. The mornings are really tough.

talaniman · Dec 20, 2010, 07:48 AM

This will pass, it will just take more than a month. I think its normal to still have some feelings and dwell a bit on the past when we are alone especially at night.

Inspired · Dec 20, 2010, 02:26 PM

Not sure how my second question got merged with my first question since they are two different questions. As far as it passing, I wish it would pass sooner and not tourture me every day.

Inspired · Dec 21, 2010, 02:23 PM

Really tough day for me today folks. Either I dwell on the fact that he was so nice and maybe I should have given him another chance, especially when he said he was willing to do anything, including going to counseling (this was before he started wispering and acting shady 5 nights later). If I am not consumed in the 'what if' thoughts, I start thinking about the mean things he said to me on our last conversation and get hurt all over again. Please help me, I cannot focus, cannot eat, cannot sleep. I don't know why this is so hard.