[deb2112]

My husband doesn't reprimand our 10 year old son when he is mean and disrespectful to me. He's right there and my sons is going off on me and my husband doesn't say a word. Makes like it's not happening. I see my sons eye looking over at his father to see his reaction and when there isn't any he becomes even more disrespectful mean and hateful. I try to hold my ground and be calm but sometimes I raise my voice and become very angry. I take things away from him and do threaten to hit him but never do. I've brought it to my husbands attention many of times. Argue in front of our son about this, which I know isn't right. He doesn't do anything and says I need to fight my own battles with my son. My father was far from perfect but would never allow me to talk disrespectful to my mother in his presents nor would my husbands father. I just have the one son and I do feel like I'm all alone most of the time. I know the father and son bond should be strong, but I do think my husband is taken it to far. And just so you understand the situation a little better Me and my husband do not have a good relationship at all. I try my hardest not to make our son know or see much. He is getting older . What to do...

[cdad]

When you do punish your son for what he has done does he support you? Or does he undermine what your doing? To raise a child it takes both parents and consistency along with boundries. It sounds like he's out of line and needs to step back in.

[deb2112]

My son supports me most of the time, the punishments don't always stick, a lot of the times his father doesn't have him stick to whatever I took away from him and makes like it not important or tomorrows another day. Your right, It does take both parents to raise a children. I know it so wrong and extremely frustrating for me. Should I seek professional help or is there a way to get my son to understand that just because his father isn't reprimanding him, it's still very wrong the way he is treating me? I'm afraid if he doesn't learn how important it is to have respect for his parents that his behavior will get worse and another thing I don't allow him to talk to his father that way if he does become disrespectful to him in my presents, which is hardly ever.

[kp2171]

Here's the thing.

You need to tell the son what you expect, what you demand, and you need to communicate to him that even when you don't agree with him, you can still be hearing him.

And the problem with all of this is that the answer isn't short term. Don't think short term.

Hold your ground. If the boy doesn't behave, hold your ground and explain why.

In time... he will likely come to respect your position. Most of us want to know our boundaries and limits, even if we don't follow them. And if he never comes around, well... you can at least say you did your part. But "in time" can take a LOT more time than we are wanting to spend.

I give some real wiggle room to the teenage years... there needs to be a balance. The hormone swings are real. The lack of experience exaberates this. There is an intrinsic focus on ones self and not others (like loving parents) because you can barely know what the hell you need or want.

So find some middle ground. A teen still isn't an adult... so don't assume they should know all that you do. They do dumb things and complain about dumb things... sometimes. And then sometimes they are right on the mark. So... choose your battles. Find your fine lines. And stick to them.

Even if it doesn't mean more comfort now... in time... it will work.

[cdad]

If your going to go for professional help then it should be for both you and your husband. Not the child. All children test boundries when growing. But where it is difficult is when the boundries aren't clear. Quite frankly its your husbands job no matter what the relationship is like to understand that he needs to support you in this. If he can not then reality says that there is a door and he's welcome to leave. Im sure once court oders him to behave like a human his tone will change and his world disappears. The sad part is that he is laying the groundwork for abuse later on with your son becoming the abuser. This can not continue.

[smearcase]

One thing is for certain. The problem can only get worse.
If it were a work situation and you had an insubordinate employee and no help from your employer, you would leave most likely.
If you were in the work scenario you would have one advantage you don't have now--the insubordonate employee would not likely be growing an inch or two taller every year.
Not a very good analogy but you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg at present.
Counselling is about the only option and if they won't go or take recommendations seriously and the problem persists-leave!

[DoulaLC]

Trust that your son already knows that you and your husband do not have a great relationship and that may be part of the problem. He sees it in how you interact on a regular basis.

How is he at school, with friends, other family members? Any behavior concerns?

You and your husband really need to try and get on the same page in how you are raising him. Counseling may help, if your husband is willing to go with you. However, he needs to want to make things better too.

If he leaves it to you, as in telling you to fight your own battles, then take it into your own hands... with your husband as well as your son. Family meeting to discuss expectations, how things are going to change, and what the consequences will be.

Work towards making some changes soon. He is already 10; this needs to be rectified quickly.