[nutters12]

I am not sure what to do, I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now. He told me from the start that he had a son. He had his son with an ex, they were never married. It does upset me that we won't be able to experience having a child for the first time together. The main problem is he travels for work and on average is only home for a weekend here and there, some times he is home for a week and around the holidays he is home for 2 weeks and 3 weeks at a time. Every time he gets into town, we have his son (4 years old now) and I feel like I am competing with his son for his time. When he is home for longer stretches they can be together all day while I work, but its frustrating because we still don't get any alone time- plus the son stays up later than I do and they both sleep in in the morning. They also stay with me in my small one bedroom apartment. I find myself getting more and more frustrated lately, especially when his son makes a mess or pees on my bed while he's napping etc. I would hate to think that I'm taking my frustrations out on a kid who is actually really well behaved. It makes me question if I am cut out for this, even though I love my boyfriend very much and we've been talking about getting engaged. It's strange because when he is traveling I almost forget that he has a son, because he is not with him and we don't talk about him much. Every time he comes home especially for the longer periods, it's like culture shock to me. He has started looking for a new job in town where he would not have to travel and then we would have his son on a normal schedule, which I really feel would be better. Any advice from people who have gone through this before? I've done some researching on how people deal with these situations and all I seem to find is that it won't work out. I know there are examples of these situations working out, please send me positive thoughts!

[ironhide262]

I dated a girl who had a daughter except I was the guy travelling around for work so, I was always coming and going. I understand how you feel. I am very close to my nieces and nephews so I was used to children. However, I found out that it was a little bit different dynamic when dating someone with a child.
Looking back, I think I threw myself into the relationship too fast, figuring I could handle it. I realized that I was wrong.

This is probably not true for every situation but what I found out was...

... you will never be #1... the child will
... that people with kids are looking for a very specific partner
... you work on the childs' schedule.. if it conflict's with yours too bad
... do you have any authority over the child? You need to talk about boundries and rules concerning disicpline, how the child treats you, etc..

This doesn't seem like a very ideal relationship for you. You hardly see this guy and the when he is home you don't get very much alone time on top of that. From my perspective this just cannot last unless he does perhaps find that job close to home in which case he may have the child more or less. Remember in these relationships you can also get attached to the child so, if things do go downhill it feels like you have lost 2 people from your life. All the more reason to slow things down and really make sure if this is what you want. Will/are you getting what you want out of this relationship? If not move on, find another guy that perhaps you may have your own child together(seems like that is what you really want). Good luck!

[answerme_tender]

If you are still questioning after a year, I would just move on. This just maynot be the package deal fit for you. Why force it, your not married to him.

Also your fiancé should have a place of his own, where is was big enough to have bedroom for his son. He shouldn't be depending on you to provide everything for his son. I am sure his son is a great child, but why at 4years is he still wetting the bed?

Even if you do settle down with this guy, what is going to happen if he is still traveling all the time. What about time he spends with your children? I would think about the whole picture. If its something you can handle the stay and work on it without complaints. If not then move on, and get out enjoy your life!

I wish you the best in either of those decisions!

[Devorameira]

Lucky for you, you can walk out if you don't like it. Just wait until he hits his teen years. If you are already having a hard time accepting a 4 year old, then just get out.

You seem to pick on petty things, such as the child urinating during a nap. If you know that he may do that up-front, why not buy some pull-ups to put on him before he goes down for a nap? Problem solved.

I personally think it's weird that you're jealous of a mere 'baby' spending time with his father. You seem to actually resent him because of the time he spends with Dad. Well... it is HIS time too and it is his son. It is not your time just because you are the girlfriend.

I think his devotion to his son speaks volumes as to what type of man he is.

You are only the girlfriend, not the mom, not the stepmom, and not the wife. If you don't want to be around them then don't. You have that choice. But you knew going into this relationship that he had to fit in quality time with his son. If you were serious about marrying this guy, you should be seriously remembering that you will be his step-mother and start developing a great relationship with him yourself.

I just worry that since you already resent his child now how can this relationship last? He will be his dad forever. He will be financially obligated to him for another 14 years and emotionally obligated for life.

[mlole]

Hi ET. If I understand correctly, you are pretty much asking if you should continue a relationship with a man who has a child. Though you seem to have accommodated his son into your apartment, you wonder if being with a man who already has a child is what you want deep down.

I understand that you don't want to feel like you are competing with his son for his time. You are right, it shouldn't be this way.

It's great that your boyfriend mentioned from the start that he had a son but the one concern I have is the fact that he was never married to his ex, yet had a son.

The reason I bring this up is because you have been dating for a year, you've spoken about an engagement, which means becoming a family yet, the dynamic between you two doesn't reflect one of a family.

Also, you've talk about an engagement… but have you discussed a timeline? Sorry to say but a goal without a date remains a dream with nobody being held accountable to making it a reality. I suggest revisiting this topic and decide together what timeframe works for you both. And most importantly, if he is serious about moving the relationship in that direction.

The other important thing to consider before even getting to that point is the time you currently spent with his son, and as a couple. Obviously, by choosing to be with him, you're taking on a “two-package deal�. With the "two-package deal" comes his responsibility to be there for his son and yours to become his son's mother figure regardless of whether you are his biological mother or not.

I think you would agree with me that for the child's well-being, he needs to be raised in a healthy environment where his parents have a healthy relationship. They would have one because they, among other things, spend quality time together without the child. It's not uncommon for parents to have “date nights� while having their children looked after by a baby-sitter, a trusted friend or even a relative. So options are there.

I can see how spending alone time with him what will make you happy so he should understand your position and discuss this issue with you. You two need to decide how much “quality time� you'll be happy sharing considering the child's age.

With this being said ET, you should follow the steps I've mentioned only if you feel this is something you are “cut out for� and even want.

If not, I suggest reevaluating how you envision your ideal relationship to be. Consider if you are open to dating a man who has children or not, a man who will include you in his life or instead have you fight for his time.

I'll leave you with this quote from Benjamin Spock:

“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do�

It sounded to me that the idea of having a partner with whom you can experience having a child for the first is important to you. Looks like you already have the answer to your question.

http://wp.me/pqX6F-mx

[talaniman]

As in any relationship, with or without children the main thing is working together through honest communications to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both. What bothers me most is the lack of communications, and his moving his package deal in on you, and your life without you both setting boundaries, and rules for acceptable good behavior that allows you the freedom to be independent for yourself, and allow quality time for this relationship to grow the proper way. Only then can you take on the responsibility of a ready made family, and make the adjustments to do so with time.

You are not a mother, nor a wife, but you seem to not be ready for either and should have been given the opportunity to work on the relationship before doing so. Just my opinion, so start talking to each other or what's the point?