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Abigael · Nov 15, 2010, 10:52 AM

My name is Abigael. Nice reading through this posters. I am have been lost in a love that never will but our paths keep crossing each other. I met him 16 years ago, he was on a 3 year job contract in my country and in the same party I was attending. This was love at first sight for me. I remember his first kiss, his first touch, this feeling never leaves me. I was 24 then, he was 30. We hitted it off and suddenly he had to leave the country. All this time, he was in a relationship with a kid on its way but leaving eleswhere. We never spoke of feelings and I did not stand on his way when he had to finally leave. I cried and missed him for a year. He came back to work for the same company for another year 2 years after he has left. At that moment I was just hooking up with a new guy but my feelings about him never left me. This guy tried to help me get over my first love. It has been hard. We got together again and in no time I was expecting his kid. I wanted to keep the child and so I did. All this time none of us made any verbal commitments to each other. He knew about my pregnancy and this scared him as he had a family too. Soon his time was up again and he went back to his country and we never heard anything from each others.

Funny enough, through face book a year ago, we reunited. I had changed towns and he came to visit me. Told me that he had divorced and in another relationship which was very much okay. I had also moved on and got married, but had shared all my history about my love at first sight with my husband. I told my husband that the guy was coming to town and I was anxious to meet him, which I did. I picked him from the airport and from that minute, everything happened, the years in between felt like yesterday and we spent the night together. This very night, we both confessed to each other that we loved each other from first sight. I knew he was leaving to his family and I never stood on his way. Soon he was visiting more and more, and finally he met his son at 15 years old. The last time he saw our son was when he returned, the boy was them 3. We decided to officially be together, he told me that the girlfriend he was seeing that time, he really fancied and loved her. He had never told anyone of his love. Now he finds it hard to make a choice, he says he is in love with both of us, he says my personality is positive unlike the other woman, but we are both precious. He has told me many times now that it is me he wants but finds it hard to give up the other woman. They have a son together too.

He tells me he has a very strong link and believes that we will be together but does not know when and where. He has changed his mind on me 3 times and also kicked out the other woman 3 times. Have never loved anyone so madly, and I have been giving up all other affairs for him. He is in contact with his son which is very good. Our paths seem so close yet so blocked. I ended my affair 6 months ago but he is still caught in between, telling me that he is lost and confused. Loves me bad and has tried so much to be with me but fails. I really need to get out of him and move on. I have tried and I am trying but sometimes I fall back from high. This is very hard, I miss him badly, we are in love but unable to have a normal relationship. Say something that I haven't tried yet.

I wish · Nov 15, 2010, 12:20 PM

Feelings can really take control of a person. But as you can see, in the last 16 years, you've been making decisions based on your feelings. Every time he comes back to you, you act on feelings by getting back together.

As you can see, getting back together is always temporary. You both know that it will end once he gets back on the plane to go home.

What you need to do is put your foot down. Let him know that you want a serious relationship and a firm commitement. If he can't provide that to you, then tell him to stop visiting you so that you can move on with your life.

You need to put your foot down and stick with that decision. If you continue to change your mind when you see him, then you're just going to go in circles.

In order to break out of the loop, you have to stay firm with your decision.

Make up your mind and stick with it.

ironhide262 · Nov 16, 2010, 12:45 AM

I agree, you really need to move on. How do you know he is truthful in telling you that he is trying to leave his girlfriend? Is there any proof of that? You are waiting on something that may never ever happen. Why would this guy ever be motivated to change when it seems like you are not demanding what you want and moving on if you don't get it?

I say move on. If this guy runs after you and makes a firm commitment, leaves the other girl, moves in with you then perhaps you may have something. Otherwise find someone else.

Abigael · Nov 16, 2010, 04:06 AM

Thanks for your affectionate answer. We have had pretty serious discussions of our relationships and how it should be. He has traveled here to tell me that we were on and the affair with the other woman was to be discontinued. Last summer I traveled and stayed in his home where the other woman was too. She knows all about me and I was proud that what he was telling me was for real. This woman knew about me and our plans, but when she met me, she also realized what a big competition she was in and decided she was going nowhere. This man has now taken a new post far from both women, he knows he cannot live two lives, one day he calls and says he is to continue with the other woman, next day he calls me and says not to want to loose me. Yes I am trying soooo hard to move on, but many times now, I just fail to do what is right. So far I have wished him well and asked him to post back my key apartments if he's done with me, but he is still holding on to the key and half his stuff is in my closet. I have stopped answering his phone calls and this kills me. I don't want him to know that I am still kind of waiting for him. I told that I don't want to be in a love competition and wished him well, but I honestly wish we could grow old together. No minute without thinking of him.

Abigael · Nov 16, 2010, 04:12 AM

Oh yes! I have made demands on what I want and how I expect it. He took this new post as he thought it was a new road for us. He could get more time off and travel to us. He said that him accepting this new job was his only way of escape.. but...

Abigael · Nov 16, 2010, 04:25 AM

But once he went there, he told me that it was perhaps a big mistake. I honestly know that he is stressed. I think men don't like being given options when it comes to love? I think his got nothing to loose if one of us makes decisions on his behalf? On the other side his got this younger son who maybe the biggest attraction of his love to this woman. He is afraid never to see the son again if he leaves the other woman and yes she has threatened him with this. I truly believe he is in love with two and this reality is possible. Have been in relationships but this one makes my whole world and for 15 years apart, there is still a deep strong thing that keeps bringing us together. Perhaps this love was never meant to be and it will never be. I am making a step ahead each day, and some day just stuck in darkness. Have been out with friends, visit the gym and occupy myself with all I can. His eyes are ever staring at me and his shadow never leaves me... Am, blinded and unable to feel any chemistry with other men. And I feel awful about leaving my ex abruptly after my love appeared. Life is crazy... I don't miss my ex and haven't imagined I could get back with him. How does on pick up and move on and bury the past? The day I will realize to have moved on, will be a big celebration!

I wish · Nov 16, 2010, 08:08 AM

You bury the past by implimenting no contact. Check out the no contact related threads in my signature.

answerme_tender · Nov 16, 2010, 09:50 AM

Abigael,

I understand how much you must love this man, look at what you have given up or thrown away for him. You even have shown how much you love him by having his child.

My question is: How much more of your life are you going to waste on a man who has PROVEN will never be by your side.

You more then anyone else knows this man has never intended, nor does he intend now to have his life interupted anymore then it has been by including you and his son. He has been playing the "stud puppy" game all these years with you, and unfortuantely you have allowed it.

The words "love is blind" are very true. You have never been in a full, everyday, years relationship with him. To really get to know him in HIS Environment. He has always been on yours, on a temp job, he is just playing his stud puppy role. Now that you have stepped into his environment and are giving him rules that he will need to abide by, he is tripping over his own feet trying to back paddle.

Why would he be honest with you, he never has with you or any of the other woman that have been in his life. Was it always convient that he was in a relationship when he had to come to your country on a job.

The love you have built up for this man, is mostly built on lies. All the stories he has told you. You threw away a marriage for him, don't throw the rest of your life away for a man that will never be there completely for you. And as a mother don't let him even con your son into thinking that he wants to be a father to him. He has known about your son for how many years, and has not once shown to be a REAL FATHER!

Good luck