[trexrawr]

a stupid question it seems, and one I would be ready to give an old "just stop" answer to. But its not that easy and I rarely realize when I'm doing it.

This guy, Horlando I've known since I was a high school freshman, so about 6 years. I've had feelings for the boy since then. Right after graduation (literally right after, like the weekend after) he took my virginity, after that we did "coupley" things that we hadn't done before, going on dates, holding hands, spending the night together (not always ending in sex) and other stupid sappy **** like that. Anyway, there was never any official "we are a couple" talk and I never thought of us as one, but I made the mistake of assuming that we would eventually become one. About a year into our... thing... I don't really know what else to call it, he randomly decides to tell me that his middle school girlfriend that he hadn't talked to in over 4 years want to get back together. So he drops me, literally as abruptly as that last sentence makes it sound. And of course I cried, yelled, had a revenge lay and plotted ways to extract my revenge on the stupid **** who made me feel like life was never going to be OK again. Cry cry ***** ***** sad sad, for about a month and a half. Eventually thought I was back to normal, still sad of course, but not the previous sadness that absolutely consumed my life and made it impossible to enjoy anything that didn't involve him. Slowly I got better, took about 6 months all together to get almost completely over him. So of course, when I'm about to be happy old me again, who pops up on my MySpace (don't judge, MySpace was the thing to have back in high school) but Mr. Horlando with an "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it, I was confused about my feelings for you, I promise to make it up to you and never do it again" yadda yadda yadda. So, of course I took him back, again without an "are we or aren't we a real couple" talk and told him one way he could make it up to me was by going to the trail of lights with me and my best friend Cristina and her fiancée Zach. . I asked him at least once a week for the next 3 months if he was for sure coming and he always said yes. All the while we had been acting just like we used to, being just as affectionate toward each other, like nothing had ever happened. Long story short, he cancels on me for her. So this time, I dropped him, which is much more satisfying and a lot less painful. So naturally, a few months later "I''m sorry shouldn't have done it, wont do it again" however this time around I had a boy friend, so that initial "I've missed you" interaction we usually had, didn't happen. I had limited contact with Horlando during this reunion, while I was dating Tho.

Tho, turned out to also be an *******, he never kept his promises to me, always canceled on me, had me drive 2 hours to see him at his house but refused to drive to mine because it was "too far." Also, I have a curfew, it's be home at to a.m. or don't come home. He knew this, he would tell me his house was empty for the night, and we could spend the night together, then usually around 1:30 something would happen and someone would be coming home so I would have to leave. He once left me to sleep in a stranger's apartment for 3 nights. I know, I was stupid for staying with him, but finally he cheated on me and that pretty much did it for me so I broke it off with him.

Horlando was there to pick up the pieces. A couple of months into this go round a had a variable **** pile of stress dumped onto me. One of my close friends, I found out, was possibly being deported, the only way to keep him here was to have him marry this psycho ex of his who claims to be pregnant with his baby, and who makes his life a living hell. I was also diagnosed with HPV, found out I was on academic probation, and it was finals week. This is the time he decides to pull another one of these "I'm going back with her" things. That was around the beginning of May.

Cut to September, he's apologizing, again, telling me he's done with her because she was just stringing him along and telling him what he wanted to hear to keep him wrapped around her finger. Saying she wanted to get married and have a family and move in and all that. Apparently that was a lie, so he broke up with her, and now he wants to see if me and him could work. He says the reason he didn't go for it before is because I've always said that I don't want kids, and he did like right out of high school, but now both of our views on that have changed and we both want kids around our late 20s early 30s. I'm extremely nervous about even talking to this boy, let alone thinking about being in a relationship with him. He's an *******, and I know it

During some of the breaks me and Horlando took, there was a Ben, who was cool, when I first met him I was like "thank god someone in this group that doesn't exclusively listen to gangster rap" and we talked and sort of hit it off. I didn't sleep with him for about a month, but it was going really good, then we slept together and he started being a **** too.

Now there's this John dude, he's a cool enough guy that I've known for almost a year, maybe year and a half. I met him through a mutual friend of ours and before whenever I hung out with John it was always with this other friend. Recently we began sleeping together, mostly because we both have needs. I had never intended to sleep with him because,, ¦idk I just hadn't. He's not bad looking, he's not a **** to me or anything, nothing about him makes him fundamentally unsexable to me, I just never saw him as someone that I would do anything other than hang out with in this 3 person group and drink with. But we did, and this is the kind of guy that, if you knew him you would understand why sleeping with him is just sleeping with him. Which is why I thought I had made a good choice in **** buddy. However this boy wants to cuddle and hold hands and kiss for no reason. I don't know if he feels like all that is necessary for me to continue sleeping with him or what. Its really not, he's really good in bed, I need no other reason. But if he's doing it because he's trying to show me affection, or tell me that he may want something more (which I highly doubt) I wouldn't be able to tell it.And that's not just with him, its with any guy. Everything I've experienced with men has caused me to distrust affection. If a guy holds my hand, or puts his arm around me, or kisses me in a non "were about to ****" kind of way, it makes my skin crawl (not to be confused with giving me goose bumps, there's a difference and I can feel it)

He's an Horlando that I can see coming. I can't really describe the ways in which this dude is a prick, but he is. He's not to me, but he would be. Also he's very manipulative, and a huge liar. Like when we go out somewhere, he doesn't even exist, he gives everyone a fake name, a fake hometown, fake back story, fake number. Which constantly makes me wonder if anything he's told me is true. I know this boy is an unhealthy choice for me. I know all of them were, but I don't know how to stop making them.

[TUT317]

Being the father of adult children the answer from my point of view is clear. It seems to me you have a habit of lowering your standards to accommodate these people. The answer? Raise your standards. Make yourself a list of the requirements YOU expect of a male companion. If any of these people or the people you date don't meet these requirements then reject them. Search for males that treat you like you wanted to be treated. Don't compromise. If in doubt raise your standards and expect them to meet these requirements.

What are my qualifications in this area? None. All I can say is I am the parent of adult children. I have seen it all before.

[mmresd]

Dead Trexrawr:

Horlando: You need to cut off conversation with this guy completely because he has, again and again, betrayed you. Disrespected you by lying, standing up, and leading you on since the moment you met him. From an objective point of view, I understand that it is hard for you to let go of the "cherry popper" but in this torturous on and off relationship that you have had with him for quite some time now, I don't really see anything salvageable or at leas anything that is worth salvaging. So move on, don't look back, and try to find someone who deserves you.

Tho: Is good that you didn't put up with bull and continued a relationship with this guy who was just as disrespectful and unappreciative as the last one, if not more. So at least not all the choices you have made are wrong :) .

Ben: Seems like this guy got what he wanted and left, be more careful about who are choosing to sleep with and with what mentality you are doing things with.

John: Here it shows that past experiences have taught you something. You are calling this one a bad idea before it even starts. If a **** buddy is what you are looking for with this guy, then by all means have it, have fun, but always keep in mind that that is all there is to it, and that you KNOW that nothing will ever happen with this guy regardless of his actions, so don't lie to yourself.

A couple things that stand out:

1) Sleeping with someone to get back at someone else is an extremely unhealthy thing to do.
2) You need to stop looking at all your past experiences as curses and use them to your advantage in your future from what they have taught you, so that you don't make the same mistakes over and over and over again.
3) It is not good to judge all men and any sign of affection as being fake just because you have been disappointed in the past, it might cost you someone that is actually worth your time in the future.

I think you should stay single for a while and let your mind cool off from all of this boy drama-filled life that you have been having the past few years and take some time to rethink things. None of the guys stated above seem to have anything really promising, other than great sex, but you are having great sex at what price? Emotional instability? That is definitely not a good trade off. Involve yourself with people that will, in some way benefit you in some way, the whole point of having someone else there is to enjoy their company and grow together. So unless all you are looking for is the sex, I suggest you just wait until a guy that is going to respect you and not lead you through bad times comes along, until then enjoy your single status, just make sure that it is emotionally free, not emotionally destroying.

Good Luck,

Javi