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    BuriedThrice's Avatar
    BuriedThrice Posts: 23, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Nov 8, 2010, 01:41 PM
    Can you help me understand what's going on?
    I seriously have no idea what's going on. I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years almost a month ago and she cut me out of her life completely. It was a weird day to say the least. First off, it was my birthday and I never intended to break up with her, but things happened that day that made me question our relationship. We had just returned from a 6 week trip to the Hawaiian islands and it had it's ups and downs for sure, but we cohabited well and supported each other throughout the trip as best we could. We got back from the trip and things started to feel off, and I sensed it and approached my girlfriend about it but she would never confront me with the truth of the matter. So a month after returning from the trip, on my birthday, I broke up with her because I didn't think she was completely invested in the relationship anymore and it was painfully obvious. When we broke up she seemed indifferent and didn't even want to hear why I did it. She would say things like, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore to show you that I love you." One of the last few things she said before she left my house that day was, "I'm always gonna believe that you're the one I'm supposed to be with, but I can't wait for you forever."

    It was just a very hard day to get through. Since coming back from our trip we are both in this same mentality that we feel lost and unsure of what to do with our lives. We kind of know what we want, but we feel that we have obligations to fulfill because of society and our parents. All we want to do is travel care-free and without much responsibility. So we broke up, and she cut all contact with me without wanting to discuss anything. She turned me into the bad guy for doing something I didn't want to do. Whenever I tried talking to her weeks before she seemed closed off and unresponsive. She was getting closer to a coworker at work who she downplayed her relationship with but I knew otherwise. So we haven't talked in almost a month except for a letter that I sent her as a way to get some closure for myself and to explain a few things to her that she wouldn't listen to on the day we broke up. She sent me a letter back a few days later that was basically a load of crap. It sounded like she didn't even read my letter and it was a lot of the same crap that she had been telling me in the weeks leading up to our breakup. I told her she didn't have to respond to my letter in my letter and I think I would've appreciated no response instead of what she sent me. It seemed insincere and forced.

    What I can't seem to understand is why we don't work anymore. Our relationship had it's ups and downs and we broke up twice before but we always found a way to make things work. We always realized that we loved each other and we wanted the same thing so we tried really hard. One of her flaws however was that she had a hard time opening up to me. I would always tell her that she needed to start opening up and being honest with me. She'd tell me a story and omit things that she was trying to protect. She was dishonest and a little manipulative and I knew this throughout the relationship, but I'm a strong-willed guy and I'm also very perceptive and conscientious so whenever something seemed off I'd approach her and she would never come out with the full-story if she told me anything at all. I wasn't a saint in this relationship either. For a long time I took advantage of her but in the last 7 months of the relationship I was trying really hard by always being there for her when she needed it and always taking her on dates.

    It just boggles my mind that we could love each other so much, live together really well, support each other, have the same goals in life and the same attitude about life and yet not work out. I always tried to understand her view but towards the end of the relationship she would just say, "If it's meant to be, it'll be. Stop worrying about things, we'll be fine." But it didn't feel that way and now I've lost her for good it seems. She doesn't want me talking to her at all, and her friends never liked me because the only time she would talk about me was when I did something frustrating and so they don't really even know me. Her family never thought I was good enough and she actually feels like she isn't even part of her family because they make her feel the same way. It just doesn't make any sense. And it bothers me when she doesn't communicate with me so I don't know what she's thinking about anything. As far as I'm aware she thinks I was holding her back, but when she talks about her life, it's exactly what we wanted together. So is she just being dishonest with herself? Or am I oblivious to some bigger picture here? What does this sound like to everyone out there?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Nov 8, 2010, 03:17 PM
    It really boils down to the choices you have each made. She has made it clear that she chooses to no longer be in a relationship with you, she doesn't care whether you have 'closure', nor does she care to talk to you, contact you, or respond in any way in order to help you get over the relationship and the breakup.

    You are probably not a bad guy. Most likely quite the opposite, which is my impression of you. The day the relationship ended, should have been the day you began to heal, and work toward the future. Ruminating about the past, only gives it more meaning, and importance that keeps you in this place where you are trying to find answers to all of your questions. Accept that it is what it is, and it is now clearly in the past. Try to let it go, and stop torturing yourself about the finer details, conversations, situations, etc. that you shared with your now, ex girlfriend.

    I understand why things don't add up. You had the same goals and interests, and were compatible and suitable. There were no major issues such as infidelity, substance abuse, etc. that would have made it, in some regards, easier to accept it when it ended. You can't point your finger at any specific thing and have a lightbulb moment that defines why things ended.

    Think of it instead as baking a cake from scratch. You add the exact measurements, follow the details in the preparation, and expect that because you have done everything right, the cake should turn out. But, unbeknownst to you, the cake decided, against all odds and probability, that it was going to fall flat. You take it out of the oven, and for the life of you, you cannot figure out why it failed. Was the flour too old, the eggs not fresh enough, the humidity too great, etc. You can mull it over a million million times, and what are you left with. The cake just didn't work out.

    Sometimes there are problems, perceptions, expectations and assumptions about a relationship that also don't add up to success. It may not be the fault of any single thing, as I've said, but, the unspoken, unseen, and unpredictable nature of the human beast. That sunset you saw last night was the most inspiring sunset you have ever seen. But the same sunset the next night, did not produce the same result. Who can explain that.

    Try not to be so hard on yourself. Instead, get yourself a journal, and when these thoughts come to mind, and you are having a hard time letting them go, write them out. Whenever you feel the urge, start writing, and expect answers only from yourself. And more importantly, accept that no matter what answers you come up with, will never give you the satisfaction of reaching a finite conclusion. You will feel better writing these things out instead of contacting her as well. In time, you will look back and still have questions, but they won't be the rule of the day, and hopefully, you can just accept what you cannot change, and move on with what you have learned, to another relationship.

    Good luck, and all the best to you.

    mystific's Avatar
    mystific Posts: 340, Reputation: 308
    Full Member

    Nov 8, 2010, 06:06 PM

    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Jake2008 again.

    Perfectly said.
    ironhide262's Avatar
    ironhide262 Posts: 277, Reputation: 243
    Full Member

    Nov 8, 2010, 08:36 PM
    Totally agree with Jake...
    Your ex reminds my of my ex in the way that she did not communicate very effectively either.I would hear about somethng that was bugging her days later... very frustrating! I also tried to get some closure from my ex and was also left with more questions than answers. However, I also have come to realize that it just doesn't matter why my ex decided to go instead of working things out.

    Questions were also bouncing around in my mind for a while as well... the only solution for this is just to keep busy. Every time you start focusing on her or the past just do something( go out with friends, go for a workout, play xbox, read, come on this site and vent, whatever to distract you) It's a long road but, believe me, eventually you will just not care anymore.

    The way I look at my whole breakup experience is like this... this girl that I loved and respected, this person who I thought was so full of honesty and integrity, who was was friend above all else and who I thought loved me took the easy way out... she pushed , lied , manipulated however she could to spare herself the feelings of pain and guilt involved in breaking up. She couldn't meet me half way in our relationship( a sign I should have picked up on), not when we broke up and probably will not in the future if I ever will care enough to get some answers. She is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a mystery and life is way too short to figure out that puzzle!

    Take some time to focus on the questions that matter to you. Just my thoughts and experiences . Good luck!
    mystific's Avatar
    mystific Posts: 340, Reputation: 308
    Full Member

    Nov 8, 2010, 09:49 PM

    I've read this post a few times over and agree wholeheartedly with the above posts.

    However, a few things that you've said niggled me enough to come back and ask.

    .. we cohabited well and supported each other throughout the trip as best we could
    Your trip to the Hawaiian islands (sounds dreamy).. but you 'cohabitated' and 'supported' each other throughout the trip. It sounds like you were in the depths of some wilderness cohabitating with the local wildlife.

    "I'm always gonna believe that you're the one I'm supposed to be with, but I can't wait for you forever."
    Was it a work trip? Holiday? Maybe she was expecting a little something extra out of this trip away? Liiiiikeee an engagement ring.. or something to reflect the future you could have had together.

    You mentioned that you were strong willed, perceptive and conscientious and that you weren't a saint in the relationship. Were you open and honest with her about everything like you wanted from her?

    Obviously not knowing the full scale of it all is a little hard to interpret, well for me, because the more I read and re read it the more I see that perhaps you weren't as perceptive as what you initially thought.

    I am fairly positive you're a nice guy, good head on your shoulders and going far in life. You're not going to get the answers you need. I believe she feels she's given you enough time to bring what she wants to the party and you dropped the ball somewhere along the way.

    Time to salvage that pride a little and move on. You're not going to get the resolve I believe you feel you're entitled too. Unless you had something in writing that required one...
    BuriedThrice's Avatar
    BuriedThrice Posts: 23, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Nov 10, 2010, 09:54 AM
    I just recently turned 21 and she's 20. We both didn't want to get married or have kids. The things we always agreed on and shared were having an exciting life together, traveling, and just supporting and loving each other no matter how hard things got. We're young and idealistic. But we're also aware of what society expects from us and we know we have things to do before we can focus on what we want for ourselves and each other. We both decided we'd come back from Hawaii, go to school for 2 years (as we hadn't been to college yet), and then continue traveling. Knowing my girlfriend, she does not like to be confronted with who she is or the truth of the matter, in most cases. So I feel that she manipulated the situation to make me look like the bad so she had someone to blame. But it's all speculation as I don't know what she's thinking. When she told me she couldn't "wait forever for me," I think she started to feel like I was holding her back because I was having a difficult time finding work and putting money away and she was working and planning these trips for us that were looking like they were never going to happen. She was tired of having to delay things she wanted because she had to wait for me. The trip to Hawaii was a bunch of different ideas and spanned many time frames before it was finally settled. We actually broke up a month or two before that trip because of a disagreement we had on the trip. We reconnected and worked it out and went to Hawaii where we volunteered on an organic farm and lived in a cabin on the property. That trip had it's ups and downs and we even threatened breaking up by the end of it but when we got back we decided we loved each other enough to continue to make things work but that we'd take things a little slower. It was around this time that I noticed her lack of attention and presence in the relationship. So I did what I did... When we broke up she didn't want to hear my reasoning for it and so she left my house that day and we didn't speak for two weeks.

    I sent her a letter two and a half weeks later illustrating my reasons as a form of closure for myself but I also wanted to be honest with her and hopefully she'd appreciate my honesty and talk to me so we could figure things up. But a week later I got a letter back telling me she loves me and that she always will but we can't be together right now. That she doesn't know what the future holds for us but if we're meant to be, we will be and that she believes in that. She said she just wanted me to be happy. It didn't even look like she read my letter and I thought what she sent was a waste of time as I had been hearing it over and over for the last few weeks. In my letter I told that her that my happiness always involved her by my side and that she failed to recognize that I wanted to be happy just as much as she did. I keep thinking that maybe everything we talked about was a lie. I've always known what I wanted for myself to a great degree. I never knew what I was going to do with my life but I knew what I wanted, if that makes sense. I feel like maybe her role in our relationship was romanticized and maybe when she was faced with the stress of work, school, homework, and societal obligations, she sort of woke up and realized that maybe she didn't want it anymore for herself. One of her favorite quotes is by this author Richard Bach and it basically says something along the lines of "We're allowed to change our minds at any moment and choose a different path, a different future, and a different life." (I paraphrased). If that's the case then that's even more depressing to think about because then I feel like I was nothing important in the long term.

    Personally, since the breakup I've been trying to focus on myself. I recently got a job at Whole Foods and I'm starting school at NYU for the Spring semester. I've also been doing Yoga for a week which I find really helps my peace of mind and bringing me into the present moment and not dwelling on thoughts of the past and future. I'm also doing it as a way to feel confident and build a strong will by committing to something. We always talked about living healthy and active lifestyles and in Hawaii we would run together every morning before work on the farm. I also know I want to travel and so I've decided that I will make weekend trips out of town with a backpack and just camp out somewhere or hike and just meet people. I don't really feel like getting back into dating. She was my first true love and girlfriend and it just felt right from the start. And she agrees on that. Before her I was never into dating casually or getting involved with someone. I'm not an easy guy to talk to when you first meet me and I'm not societies definition of normal. So I keep thinking that during this time I'll probably just live a life of minimalism and cling tight to my morals and beliefs. And if she happens to come back into my life than that's one thing, but if not and something else happens along the way then that's also a possibility. But I just don't see myself dating for a while as I get my life refocused and work on myself. I don't drink, do drugs, am a vegetarian, and I find that I judge things around me by my own strict moral code. This was one of the reasons I started to become annoyed with her towards the end when she shut off communication. I was always honest with her from the start and never gave her reason to not trust me, and if she was being just as loyal then I never would've known because she was never honest, constantly omitting things and barely speaking when I asked her how she was feeling or how her day was. So on top of the communication, trust broke down.

    I'm sorry for these long posts but I'm just really confused and I'm trying to really let it go but it's tough when you never got honesty from the other side and you probably never will. It just bothers me that someone would try and fortify their walls when someone just wants a way in to be able to support and love unconditionally.
    serenemeadow's Avatar
    serenemeadow Posts: 39, Reputation: 16
    Junior Member

    Nov 11, 2010, 06:57 AM
    I see similarities in our situation. I too lost a person like this: "live together really well, support each other, have the same goals in life and the same attitude about life and yet not work out". She was also my first true love and girlfriend. I also live a life of minimalism, I'm not into the whole get wasted and get laid philosophy of being a teenager. I tend to judge people so easily when I find their morals are not in line with mine. Its what keeps me from having a lot of friends. The people in my school don't find me 'normal', I have heard about people talking about me. But it doesn't matter to me really.

    I also cannot see myself dating another person in a long time. Its kind of unfathomable to think that I can date someone for awhile after losing this person.

    I hope your doing all right, I know what it feels like to lose someone like this. Stay strong!
    BuriedThrice's Avatar
    BuriedThrice Posts: 23, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Nov 11, 2010, 07:18 AM
    Hey SereneMeadow. It's pretty crazy how we're pretty similar. And yes, I know what you mean. I feel like because I don't have many friends and I am the way I am, she came into my life for a reason. She was the first girl that I truly felt like giving myself completely too. She was first girl I wasn't ashamed to say was mine or hold her hand in public (I've never been a fan of PDA). And now I feel like I'll never date again and I only want her. Life is crazy.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Nov 11, 2010, 09:15 AM
    There are many plusses to what you have said.

    Gaining insight into your own behaviour, and understanding the behaviour of someone you loved, will take you a long way in establishing a relationship again in the future.

    You are smart as well, to realize that you need time between where you are now emotionally, to where to you want to be down the road. To invest so heavily in one person and one relationship will take time to understand (as best you can), and time to heal. Your extreme loyalty and commitment in one so young, is often missing in relationships of people twice your age. I don't think this is about maturiy so much, in other words, as it is about experience.

    If you had had several long term relationships, you would have had those experiences to help you through this one. It wouldn't be totally new and foreign territory, and insight with experience, would have helped you face this, with the similarities that are present in all relationships that end; because it is a process, every time, that can't be avoided. You just have to accept it, and have no choice really, in learning how to let it go, and add the experience to your repertoire of experiences, in judging future ones.

    While you may never fully understand the behaviour of your now, ex, you can learn enough about yourself that will make the future even more promising. If you learn for example that you were too trusting, or made too many assumptions, or didn't argue fair, or insisted on being right all he time, that inadvertently takes away another persons sense of self in a relationship. Sometimes moulding a person to fit into the dreams of another, will accomplish your goals, but leaves the other party, helpless in being understood, and in a position where nothing said or done or expressed, alters the vision of the other.

    Not saying those were or are, reflections on you personally. But food for thought in evaluating your partner, who, at some point along the way, decided that, for reasons you may never know, decided to regain her independence and end the relationship.

    One more thing is that, while the relationship has ended, it may also be a blessing in disguise. You didn't marry, you don't have children together, you aren't in debt with a mortgage and car loans, etc. All the more reason to bring what you can learn, into the future relatonships that you will have.

    I have been married a very long time. The one thing I have learned in all these years, is that love is not enough to keep people together. It is also not enough, or is it realistic, for couples to have exactly the same goals and visions, and be 100% in sync with their partner. If those were the requirements to success with my partner, we would never have lasted. In fact, we were dubbed 'The Odd Couple", right from the get go.

    I think it's great you are going to be attending school, and you seem to be living more in the present and concentrating on your future. The more you realize now about your hopes and dreams and plans, the more likely, as an independent person, will you be able to adapt and love a person who can be very compatible, but a very different person as well.

    I know you're hurting, and while I appreciate that, I hope that you begin to focus more on yourself now, and less of what went wrong, when you were a couple.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
    Uber Member

    Nov 11, 2010, 10:19 AM

    What does this sound like to everyone out there?
    To me, it just sounds like two people who've grown apart or maybe were never really compatible to begin with. It happens. Time to close this chapter in your life and move on.

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