[confusedami]

My girlfriend of 3 years is taking time out from our relationship. It's not the first time she has done this.
We lived together for a year and apart from taking a little time to get my kids and her being happy spending together, everything was great. We talked about marriage and having children of our own. We discussed the future a lot and it was always around the things we wanted to do together.
I really thought I had found “the one” and was so sure she was my soul mate and that our lives were meant to be brought together. She felt the same.
At Christmas last year I proposed to her. She said yes and seemed very happy. A few days later she cried and said she couldn't marry me yet. She said though that it made her realize that she did want a future with me but not to get married yet. A couple of weeks passed by and then out of nowhere she said that she needed some space to think about what she wants. She moved out of our home within a week and moved in with her best friend.
Within a month we went from planning to get married to breaking up.
I gave her the space she asked for and didn't contact her. For a couple of weeks I heard nothing at all and then she would start texting me or calling in the early hours to say she missed me and still loved me.
She then called me to say could we talk. So we met for dinner, she told me that she regretted what had happened and didn't want her life without me. She asked if we could re build our relationship by “dating” again, but with her and I living separately. I didn't see this as a problem so that's what we did.
We would meet up 2-3 time per week and spent every other weekend together. Our time together was so easy and relaxed and she genuinely seemed very happy. We went on holiday together at the end of June which was so great too and we both said we'd had a lovely time with each other.
The first time I saw her after coming back from holiday she seemed distracted and said things don't feel right to her, but nothing she can point to just that she doesn't feel right about us and would rather break up than talking about it with me and trying to sort things out.
I accepted it was over left her alone and didn't contact her after this. Again within a few days she was contacting me saying that she was sorry and how she missed me and loved me so much.
This continued for a few weeks and she asked if we could meet up to talk. She said that she didn't want to loose me and was sorry she had handled things so badly in the past but could we go back to seeing each other and trying to make things work. So we started to meet up a few times a week and although I was wary she did seem different in herself and was happy and relaxed around me. The only difference was that she didn't want anyone to know we were seeing each other as this would put more pressure on us. She said to me that I was the only person who really ever understood her and accepted her for who she is. She said she is so happy that I had stuck around and for going with who she is.
To bring the story up to date 3 weeks ago we met up, she again said that she had to go away and sort herself out and how she feels about me. That she wanted a month away and that we should meet up after that to talk. I haven't spoken to her since then although she has sent a couple of letters with the usual things, she has been thinking about me, she loves me and misses me a lot. She said sorry that she knows it is difficult for me to understand but that this is the only way for her to sort herself out and understand herself.
I really don't know what to do as there seems to be no reason for her feeling this way and she cannot explain it to me. I have tried to be understanding but I am really confused now and I don't what I should do for the best. For her and me. Am I wasting my time. I know nobody can predict the future so it's pointless worrying about it. I just wonder whether we have a chance of getting things back on track or should I forget about her and move on alone.

[Devorameira]

Your girlfriend is immature, cruel and heartless, but you have allowed her to step all over you. Don't allow her to jerk you around like she's doing. Why are you letting her to do this to you over and over again?

You deserve someone that consistently cares about you, not someone who treats you like a Yo-Yo.

It's definitely time to move on! Best thing you can do is to go complete No Contact with her. Change your phone number and e-mail address, block her from your social network(s), and move on.

[Jake2008]

I think you have oversimplified the relationship here. You say that every time you were together things were fine, when you stopped living together, everything was fine seeing each other twice a week and on the weekends. You mention the possibility of 'getting back on track' again, and I have to ask you, between all the getting on the train, and off the train, what caused the problems between all the unscheduled stops.

Nowhere do you say that you argued a lot, or that you had any major conflicts or problems with anything. You don't say that you spent a lot of time together talking about what was wrong with the relationship, or how you went about working on solutions to work toward a stronger bond together. There must be more to this than just shaking your head wondering what happened.

I don't see her treating you as a reflection on her, because you both treat each other the same way from what you said.. I see her trying and floundering and ending up in the same place, and I see you wondering what it all means. Did you actually have problems that you talked about? Lack of communication maybe, or are there substance problems, infidelity, money problems, jealousy, etc. What was the main theme in being the cause of all the failed attempts? What were the problems.

You also don't say whether you are male, or female. Not that it particularly matters, but if you are a gay couple, maybe there were additional problems you faced together from family and friends.

So, not knowing what caused the repeated breakups, what the problems were, or why the two of you were unable to solve them, or even how you tried to solve them, it is hard to point the finger at one person being totally responsible for where you are now.

Can you provide a little more insight into why this has all happened?

[confusedami]

I'm male, 42. My girlfriend is 43. We've both been married before. We spent a long time together talking about the future and addressing problems when necessary. But there was never anything major. We didn't argue a lot at all, hardly ever in fact, we share similar values and views and where a compromise was needed it didn't take much effort for us to agree on things. Asking her to marry me seems to be the point at which everything changed. Again it was something we had talked about a lot and something she wanted so it wasn't a big surprise to her. She said she got scared , seeing it as her life decided or her future set and I reassured her I would never take anthing away from her, that I loved her for who she was and the way she was and she would never loose herself in our relationship, that I saw us very much being an equal partnership where we allow each other the time and space to be ourselevs and not just an us all the time. This seemed to help and as a result we continued our relationship but living separately from January through utill the end of June when we came back from holiday. The only reason given for the break then was that it just "didn't feel right" for her which she could not explain any further. She also said that she would feel embarrassed to tell her friends that we were trying again, which she was not proud of but didn't understand. Now again she can't explain her feelings only to say that she is scared of many things and scared of herself and wants to go away to sort herself out. But she says what she does know is that she still loves me and can't see her life without me. I wish I could give you lots of examples of problems or arguments that are behind this but there really aren't. As far as I can see the only problems are the ones in her mind that are causing her to act this way. So as I say I really don't understand, I want to and to do siomething to change all this but don't know if I can. Or should.