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LaceyLu88 · Nov 8, 2010, 04:32 AM

Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now (I am now 22 and he is 25) and when we have sex it is amazing. However, we often go through lengthy periods of having no sex or intimacy at all. We've tried talking about it to try and work out the problem and it seems that he struggles to have the same desire to have sex with me as he would if I didn't mean anything to him. Almost like he loves me so much that its taken the excitement out of sex? Its quite hard to explain. Has anyone else encountered anything like this before? As I'd really appreciate some advice.

Thanks

QLP · Nov 8, 2010, 07:30 AM

Some people equate love with their parents relationship. Some people also find the idea of their parents having sexual relations rather gross for want of a better word. We subconsciously take a lot on board from what we see of our parents behaviour. Do you know much about the relationshiip between his parents and how he feels about them?

Also, fear of commitment, even whilst in a committed relationship, can inhibit libido for some people.

Many possibilities, not that rare, but I think it would be good for your boyfriend to explore this with a counsellor.

Good on you for talking about it. You seem to accept that it is his problem which is great. Now all you can do, in my opinion, is encourage him to get to the bottom of what is going on and try and support him while he does so.

This can be fixed, IF HE is willing, but it can take time. The fact that he seems to be willing to discuss it and is trying to understand himself is encouraging.

There is another possibility. Simply, that you two have got really close in an almost brother and sister kind of way. Do you do pretty much everything together? Take each other for granted a bit? Having some outside interests of your own can bring back a little bit of mystery for both of you. And of course the sex itself can get a bit 'samey' after a while. Maybe you both just need to work on adding a little spice?

Perhaps with a little more information other possibilities will become clear. Anything else you can tell us? How things are outside the bedroom? Any problems or stresses in your lives?

LaceyLu88 · Nov 8, 2010, 01:58 PM

Wow I didn't expect a response so quickly.. thankyou for giving your time up to offer me some advice and interesting theories :-)

With regards to his parents, they divorced when he was about 5 because his dad was having an affair with someone at work who he is now married to with children. My partner has mentioned how tough he found it and how he feels it still affects him in some ways. There are no hard feelings between any members of the family now that time has passed and my partner gets on well with both of his parents and dedicates a lot of his time to spend time with his dad at weekends and thinks a lot of him.

I feel that my partner struggled with commitment for quite some time in our relationship, however he is very loving and recently bought me a ring as a symbol of his commitment to me as he put it.

When we have spoken to each other about this problem.. he admitted that the same happened in his first ever relationship with his first love but he doesn't really understand why. I guess I don't help things as I never initate anything as Im terrifed and maybe a little too embarrassed in case he was to reject me. He says that I make no effort either, which I guess is true but it just feels like the desire between the two of us has gone although we both admitt we would like to get it back on track again and we both still really fancy each other.

We definitely don't have a brother and sister relationship.. I have had one of those before in the past where we were more like friends. However, me and my partner have separate lives and do different activities apart from each other regularly as well as enjoy each others company.

As for problems outside of our relationship, I don't really feel there are any at the present time. My partner has a busy schedule and exhausts himself by going to work all day, then straight to the gym for 2 hours then after that he goes straight to kickboxing for an hour so he doesn't get home till 9pm and then he plays football on the weekend so he does a lot of exercise which I personally think is a little too much!

When we met and for quite a lengthy time afterwards sex was number 1 in our relationship.. its what we were about and then we fell in love and got committed and it all seems to have disappeared.

Thank you for your response, it has been really helpful raising some things I hadn't thought of before..

Many thanks

Wondergirl · Nov 8, 2010, 02:33 PM

Lacey, I became exhausted just reading about the physical stuff he's involved in. Whew! He must be full of energy!

Maybe when he's with you (finally, at the end of the day), he just wants to kick back and have some peace and comfort (emotional) with no physical involvement. (Sex IS a physical effort.) You have become his soft place to fall (which isn't a bad place to be in).

Does he hold hands and nuzzle your neck and talk sweetly to you, or act like you're in the same room -- or does he mostly ignore you when he's at home with you?

(Now I'm going to take a shower and get all this sweat off my body!)

LaceyLu88 · Nov 8, 2010, 02:41 PM

Wondergirl: haha.. I know.. I don't know he does it.. he has done it every week for 3 years now! Yeah that makes sense actually.. he does like to relax when he gets home and just lie and cuddle me watching the TV. He is affectionate in that way, he just doesn't come near me in an intimate way. It's nice to think he feels he can have that emotional comfort with me its just a bit depressing to think that our physical days seem to be over.. Although he has said he will be quitting kickboxing after xmas so that will be one less physical exercise that he does so maybe if it is an energy thing he may have more of it then!

Thanks for your response :)

Wondergirl · Nov 8, 2010, 02:59 PM

Originally Posted by LaceyLu88

Wondergirl: haha..i know..i don't know he does it..he has done it every week for 3 years now! Yeah that makes sense actually..he does like to relax when he gets home and just lie and cuddle me watching the tv. He is affectionate in that way, he just doesnt come near me in an intimate way.

Years ago when my sis married Dave (who has great legs and is very athletic), they read up on massage (lots of books at the library!), bought oils and lotions, did some experimenting, and decided to give each other a massage every evening. It was their special time to devote exclusively to each other without the TV on, with soft music playing in the background, with no kids hanging about, no phone interruptions, a minimum of conversation except for soft murmurings and sighs.

They've been married for almost 30 years and still do this every evening. I have never asked -- I'm guessing sometimes it turns into wild and imaginative sex, but that's not the point of it. The point is to be together in an intimate way, touching each other, blocking out the rest of the world, and having the added bonuses of relaxing tired muscles and a restful night's sleep.

LaceyLu88 · Nov 8, 2010, 03:07 PM

That's a really good idea - he would appreciate that and like you say who knows where it may lead :) Although I do still think he needs to address the issues he has with sex and love . Many thanks :)

Wondergirl · Nov 8, 2010, 03:13 PM

Oh, goody! I want to go with you to pick out some oils! Also, I want report from you in a couple of weeks. (This is fun!)

QLP · Nov 8, 2010, 04:01 PM

I think Wondergirl's massage suggestion is a great place to start if you feel inhibited and afraid of rejection. It might also help to remember that although guys do differ in some ways from us females they do have similar fears at times.

I agree that he probably has a few things he could work through with a counsellor. Maybe you could join him for a few sessions as a couple. You two sound as though you have a lot going for you and with just a little help can get right back on track.

Worth bearing in mind with the massage that you can choose oils that are relaxing and aid sleep, such as lavender, rose, or jasmine, or you can choose oils that help re-energise, the citrussey ones such as sweet orange are lovely for this - depending on what you feel like. It's good to go into it with no particular agenda though and just have both of you relax and go with the flow.

If he says you make no effort either how about getting him to open up as to exactly what he would like from you? Done in the right way, sharing our desires, can be a great turn on in itself and it also helps our partners know what we would really like and makes us feel less likely to be afraid of rejection.

Read some books together. Play some sexy games. Flirt. It doesn't all have to be physical, with practice you can learn to get each other hot under the collar without even touching each other, then it's easy from there on in...

In short, work on any issues with help, and have lots of fun with the rest. Wishing you luck, I think you will both do fine.

A final thought, the exercise regime does sound rather exhausting, although you say he will be cutting this back soon, he hasn't been taking anything to help his athletic performance that could affect his libido has he?

QLP · Nov 8, 2010, 04:13 PM

I might add I bought a tantic massage video. I'm personally not into outright porn, although hubby likes it which is OK for him, but I found this very erotic and a good learning tool. I would say it's a great video but despite having owned it a good many years (hence video tape) I have yet to see the end...