[Worriedaboutlewis]

Hi there

I am 53 years old I have two children aged 23 and 20. I left my wife about three years ago as my marriage was dead for over 15 years however I did stay mostly for the sake of my children and also for financial reasons as I would not have been in the position to have two homes and support my children and wife.

Three years ago I meet a wonderful woman in Ireland and we fell very much in love. Six months after that I moved from Scotland to Ireland to be with the woman I loved. Of course everyone was very shocked as I come from a small village and I would have been considered a good family man. But I knew if I did not take this chance of happiness I would never have known happiness again.

I have tired to contact my children and have always sent over money to them on a regular basis. I have travelled over the Scotland to see my children and one of them just did not turn up at the meeting place and the other one - just said she was not ready to talk to me. I am at my wits end now.

When I left three years ago. I signed the family home over to my wife and I took out a rather large loan to cover all my wife's debts and I am still repaying that loan.

The woman I am with now is very supportive and is always saying when they do start to speak to you they can visit (we have since bought a house in Ireland) and she has said she will move out if they do not want to see her and just have some time with them myself. IF ONLY THEY WOULD VISIT.

Both my children have since moved out of the family home and are living in Glasgow now - I do not have the addresses and my ex-wife will not give them to me. I sent money and cards and Christmas and nothing was acknowledged. One of the children's birthdays was Christmas Day and I longed to speak with her - but I have no number and no address.

Is there anyone out there that could give me some advice as to how I go about trying to build a relationship with my children again. I have to start somewhere.

I am very happy with my new life in Ireland - but this is the only thing that still really saddens me TOTALLY

HELP

[CaptainForest]

I was going to respond to this post back on Jan 4/5.

But my response seemed harsh and I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I figured others would post.

But since they haven't…

I will try to tone it down this time.

YOU LEFT THEM. Not only did you leave their mother, you LEFT THE COUNTRY.

You wonder why they are still pissed?

Sit down and talk with them.

Perhaps move back there so you can be closer to them and be able to work on healing your relationship with them.

You can't buy their love or forgiveness with money.

[CaptainForest]

mouzer disagrees: hey the guy moved in with a women he dearly loved. you can't blame him

I am not blaming him for moving in with the woman that he loved.

But to leave his wife when his kids thought all was well AND to leave the country, was a bit of a shocker.

He shouldn't have moved in with her right away.

Given his kids a chance to get to know her and lived near them for a little while.


And if you feel you have the moral authority to disagree with me, then why not post what YOU think.

What is your advice to him?

[Worriedaboutlewis]

I know all this - I left them and I left the country - What I need to know is how can I get a relationship started with my kids again - looking back on things I probably did move too fast and did not give my kids a chance to get used to the situation - the woman I am living with did want to move over to my country so I could be near my children - it was me who wanted to move to her country as I felt there would be too much of a back lash for her to cope with in my country - as I am from a small town. With regard to my kids not being aware anything was wrong with my relationship with my ex-wife they did know. My son had said to me on numerous occasions "how do you put up with staying with Mum - she is so mean to you" and my daughter often came over to me to hug me when my ex-wife would be nasty to me.

I don't need people telling me what I already know - I need help in trying to get my kids to speak to me again

HELP

[Worriedaboutlewis]

Hi there - I have had no further response from any one in relation to this problem - my children still are not speaking with depsite the fact that I have tried to get my ex wife to tell me where they live and she won't tell me - I do feel at this stage - it is thre years since I left - there would be a chance we could get to talk - NO ONE WILL TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE LIVING - they have moved to Glasgow and I have no way of finding them at all - I need my ex-wife help and she is refusing to help me and the kids think that I have not been in touch - my hands are tied what do I do in this situation- I spent last Saturday crying to my new partner about missing my kids - she is so understanding and supportive its unbelieveable - any one have any suggestions at all

[NY_Mom]

How far away is Glasgow from the family home?

How are you so sure they moved away?

Honestly, can you be certain that your ex-wife isn't feeding you bulllcrap out of spite?

I understand you miss your children terribly, but I'm surprised you aren't even a little angry at their behavior. You gave up a great deal of your life/happiness to be with them when they were younger and would have a stable home.

They are full grown adults now and if they can't understand your need to be happy as well, then they're pretty narrow minded people.

However, you also have to bear in mind how much hurt their mother must be in and I am sure they see/hear that whenever they're around her. You're in another country and happy... while their mother is suffering, so it makes it easier to see you as a bad guy.

If Gaslow is near the family home, why not stop by?

Talk to your ex-wife in person and maybe you can convince her to get their address, or if the children specficially told her not to tell you - respect their wishes.

Stop trying so hard to contact them and give them some time and space. Keep in touch if you can be civil with your ex-wife, and if she doesn't make it possible... just leave her alone.

Try every 3-4 months or so and maybe you'll make more progress then trying to enter their lives so often/soon after a bombshell being made in their lives.

[vlee]

A lot of insulting posts from captain forest, nothing much constructive. (Oh, I forgot, you never made a mistake someone wouldn't forgive you for. Just wait, you will.) Worried, it is simply going to take a lot of time. When kids are younger they bounce back more quick and easier. Your children were adults. Unlike younger kids, they don't just resent you for leaving them, they resent you for leaving their mother. If she is encouraging this behavior in them, it may be very difficult to rebuild a relationship with them. I suggest you call former friends and relatives and ask if they know where your children have moved to. It may be humiliating and humbling, but that may just be the price you pay. Once you have an address, write letters. One acknowledging their pain and sorrow while explaining how you felt and why you made the choices you did. The rest all full of the happenings of your new life. Send invites for all holidays, birthdays, etc... I think they'll come around if you can locate them and consistently make efforts to reach out. If you can't find them through friends/family, try googling for phone numbers and addresses. If that fails and you are desperate, hire a PI to locate them. Good Luck!

[Worriedaboutlewis]

I would like to thank the last two posts and you are right Captain is very negative! But thank God for people like you - who at least try and understand - thank you and I shall take your advices and see what the outcome is - I shall never stop trying to get in touch with my children - their Mum is no help at all her attitude is if they wanted you to know where they are they would let you know and she will not give me numbers or addresses I have gotten my sons and I am going to write to him and see what the outcome is - I have no address for my daughter but hopefully my son will let me know - thanks again

[vlee]

Happy to hear you found your son, hope you find your daughter soon. May be best to try to build a relationship with them one at a time anyway... if you have one as an ally, the other is more likely to come around.

[Worriedaboutlewis]

Well having an address and actually getting to talk are two different things - but I shall get working in it immediately anyway and see what happens and I agree with you vlee if one of them is talking to me it will be easier for the other to follow - thanks again for the advice and the support

[arturojorge]

I was in the same situation. My wife used them to get money and to hurt me. So I packed them all, I adopted new ones that they love me much more and I am happy with my new wife and kids.