[LDRgal]

Hi
So basically I've been dating this uy for 3 months, the first month was great as we were in the same country and we'd spend a lot of time together but I had to go abroad for uni and for the past 2 month its been rocky.

In the month I was back home with him everything was great, like only a week after we had started dating my grandfather passed away and he was liturally the rock that helped me through it, after only a week that's a lot of pressure to put on a relationship, so I've fallen hoplessly in love with him. But in saying that he stood me up on my birthday and wouldn't talk to me for days afterwards and has this whole careless attitude towards things which drives me crazy!

Anyway we are doing the long distance thing now but all I seem to do is b***h and moan at him for everything and he just brushes it off. I know its me who always starts the fight and he's been patient bless him but recently he's become extremely posessive which has caused us to have a even bigger fight and we haven't spoken for 3 days now... I know I am oversensitive in general buut I just don't know how to get him to open up to me and talk to me. Like I said he has this whole care free attitude and doesn't really share his feelings but I'm a very emotional person and he just won't open up to me!

Does anyone have any advice?

[ironhide262]

Well, for starters why not cut out all the *****ing and moaning? I hardly think that this approach will get him to open up his feelings to you. You haven't been together for very long so trust could a huge issue here.
LDR's come with huge challenges and believe me, if you can't communicate very well then, forget it!
Standing you up on your birthday and not communicating for days --- BIG RED FLAG! You need to ask him point blank if he wants this relationship... if he doesn't or can't give you a straight answer then I would just end it and move on. Both of you need to be 100% committed to each other to make an LDR work and even then it's a rollercoaster ride.
I kind of get the feeling that perhaps both of you are coming to grips with the realities of the distance and now doubts are starting to creep in. Don't count on love to pull you through an LDR... it just doesn't work that way. Bottom line is if you can't communicate properly with each other then, cut ties and move on.

[talaniman]

If your going to do LDR, then you can't B###h & moan, nag, or demand. You have to talk and that important in any relationship. Odds are against you though as lack of knowing each other very well, or very long works against you as much as the distance.

Talk nice if you miss each other, as maybe your opposite personalities any way. If you can't talk, what's the point of all this hassle, and drama in the first place??

[LDRgal]

You know you both make a good pointt but the thing is the only reason I'm always *****ing at him in the first place is because he doesn't communicate well... which is what bugs me, I liturally put in more effort than him into this relationship and when I ask him about it he says its nothing, I'm just the silent type... which bugs me even more. Plus recently he's gotton so possessive, if I tell him I'm out with my friends or alone with another guy he freaks out and won't talk to me for days...
As for not knowing each other, we've known each other for a while, but as friends, and wanted to take it to the next level...

Right now he says that he needs some time and hasn't spoken to me for a few days, and I haven't been hounding him or anything, I've said one thing to him and he hasn't even acknowleged it... so I don't know... this miote just be the end of the relationship..

But to be honest he was the one who pushed me into a long distancce thing in the first place... and now he can't commit to it... I have no idea what to think anymore, I love him so freeking much, I'd trust him with my life, he's my best friend and love all in one and its actually heart breaking to view the rest of my life without him... and I know that sounds childish and niave but its how I feel... what do I do??

[talaniman]

Maybe neither of you is ready for this LDR

Maybe neither of you was ready for the work involved to go to the next level

Maybe you're better friends than as a couple.

Maybe neither of you knows how to communicate with each other.

Doesn't matter, because if you both ain't in it to win it, then you won't. Even worse, if one of you doesn't have the ability to make it work, it surely won't. He is who he is and it's a difference once a friendship moves to the next level. Totally different, as your finding out.

[DoulaLC]

What do you do? You back off a bit and let him have the time he says he needs.

If he says he is the silent type, and you know he doesn't communicate well, or at least how you would like, then you are simply going to have to accept that. In time, he may open up more as you get to know each other better and work through the kinks that are inherent to a long distance relationship.

It is very likely he will never be as communicative as you would like, so you either have to get used to it, and work with him at a different level, or if you can't see yourself being OK with that, then you move on as has been said.

You both have found that a long distance relationship is not as easy as it may sound, or that it has been more challenging than perhaps you both imagined.

Take things slowly... give yourselves time to adjust to the changes and get used to both of you doing things without the other. You are going to go out once in awhile, and so will he... as you both should. Talk about it... what are the expectations now that you have taken the relationship to a higher level. You need to be sure you are both on the same page so that no one is feeling neglected, or worried about how things are going.

It may be that things smooth out with some time, communication, and adjusting, or it may be that one, or both, of you find that it is just too difficult to keep the relationship going long distance and that perhaps you were better off as just friends.

[talaniman]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to DoulaLC again.

[I wish]

Give each other some time to cool off before speaking again, because at this point, it's very explosive when you have conversations.

Once cooler heads prevail, try to work out one issue at the time. It's going to take a lot of effort and patience.

Unfortunately, even if you were extremely patient and willing to put in the effort, but of your hearts need to be in this relationship. Otherwise, nor matter how hard you try, it's not going anywhere.

So before you even try to work out your problems, just make sure that you're both actually committed to repairing the relationship. You seem to be committed, but is he really? Don't let him waste your time if he's just going to brush you off like. Put your foot down.

[LDRgal]

Hey thank you all sooo much for you're advice! But the thing is he still hasn't spoken to me now its been 2 weeks and I don't know what that means in guy terms but to me it means he's had enough so I guess that's it... but thanks for your advice and everything.. it's a shame because I really do love him, but he hasn't even given me a chance to tell him that so I don't know... he kind of just stopped talking to me completely... though I don't know how much time he needed I'm sure it wld have been less than 2 weeks... I don't know, thanks anyway :)
Xx

[DoulaLC]

It sounds as though it has run its course and he has moved on. You may have perceived it to be more than it was, at least more than he did. It is unfortunate that he hasn't at least spoken to you to let you know he feels it just wasn't going to work, but it happens sometimes. Obviously it is easier to let something go when you are so far apart and it was still in the getting to know you stage as well.
I wish you the best and good luck with your studies!