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    Keesha290's Avatar
    Keesha290 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Oct 28, 2010, 09:22 PM
    My partner won't have sex with me no more(possibly because of problems)
    Hi people

    I am only 19 and my boyfriend is 23. We have been together nearly 18 months now. Hes the perfect hubby, cooks my meals, wakes me up with a cup of tea and a fag in the morning, only he works, he makes the bed etc. I clean, do the washing, the dishes, feed and walk our dogs, ironing etc. So why am I so unhappy just because our sex has dwindled to about once every 2 weeks? I know it happens but am 19, not 90 for gods sake. I feel so frustrated and I carn't help but aim my frustration at him. I don't want to have to lower myself to begging my hubby for sex, no woman should!
    Oh, I hear it all "I'm tired, I've got a bad head, I've got work......" etc etc etc. Guess what! If I'm tired, ill, got a headache etc etc etc - I still put the effort in! So why carn't he? When we met for the first 8 months it was sex at least once every two days. And now I just carn't help but rant and rave and generally take it all out on him. I'm sorry I do, but I feel so unwanted, miserable, depressed and angry ( yes, there is a lot of anger) and spend the night crying away and then sleeping all day. And what does he say? "Shut up, I'm trying to sleep, can you give it a rest, just calm down darlin' and go to sleep" CALM DOWN!! CALM DOWN!?
    WHY, do they always want you to calm down? Don't they understand women will calm down when they don't feel unwanted, secondhand, useless unattractive little whimpering, whining dogs? Cause men seem to do this without even realising it. One thing I do know for sure is; he isn't cheating on me. I just wish he would stop acting little a little old biddy. And I am worried because He is seriously making me violent, he winds me up so much. I threw a mug at his head months ago and guess what? It was a good shot! He was really asking for it because he had the nerve to accuse me of cheating on HIM and then wouldn't listen to my answer.
    Yeh, get real.

    On the bright side of life - We are like best friends, we do get on 90% of the time and are generally seen as a nice polite young couple who love each other deeply. I am currently under a load of pressure trying to rent private with a staffordshire bull terrier and, just what any landlord doesn't want, a Rottweiler. I have been counting the number of rejections, they are currently 59. He carn't do much because he's got his job to focus on and I have told him so. As it is though, we are also living with my bit of a nightmare mother who lies in bed all day, expecting me and him to care for all her house for her, look after a braindamaged child ( my step-brother) and her dog and cook all her meals and bring them up to her with cups of tea. As if we didn't have enough to do. And the best bit.
    Carn't say no. Even though we are paying her rent, its not official so she can basically just chuck us out if it suits her, which if we push our luck, she may and she's said so. She expects everything from us both and is literally draining our lives!
    We are on the council housing list for a home because I think that they will be the only homes that will let us take the pets, I won't get rid of them because they were my responsibility from the day I bought them, and I would not simply throw them into a shelter. Yes, you could say I'm keeping myself down the pit, but to myself and him they are extremely precious and the only time I would get rid of them would be if I couldn't care for them. Why should we be leniant because Landlords aren't?
    And to top it off, he wants children, but for me that's a big NO! NO! In our current situation and would not be a pleasant pregnancy for me still living with mummy dear. Thankfully, he agrees.
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #2

    Oct 29, 2010, 12:39 AM

    Good rant, You express yourself well.

    "Calm down," can be a dangerous thing for a guy to say when his partner is upset. But maybe that's all he knows to say? He may not understand why you get emotional and a factual discussion with him may be more productive.

    Feeling unwanted, second-hand, useless, unattractive are issues that are usually connected to poor self-esteem. Sex can make it feel better but doesn't really solve the problem.

    It sounds like he is trying to hold up his end of the relationship. When he says he's too tired, that might be the simple truth.

    It sounds like both of you would benefit from serious communication with each other about how you feel, without blaming and finger pointing. Talks about sex are usually better if conducted away from the bedroom. Living with your mom is hard on the relationship as well.

    I applaud you keeping your dogs. Where I live, if I were to search for an apartment, I'd do it on the web. Pets (large dogs) allowed would be part of the search criteria. Then I wouldn't have to be told, "no."
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #3

    Oct 29, 2010, 05:42 AM

    I, too, applaud you for taking responsibility for your animals.

    This may sound harsh, but it isn't meant to be.

    You do need to take a step back and get a change of perspective. I am seeing a lot of 'I want' and 'I need' and very little understanding/compassion for anyone else. I think it is there, however, you have it buried under a lot of stress.

    You should not feel justified in 'blaming' someone else for your unhappiness and you should not take that unhappiness, frustration, and stress out on other people. It can very quickly become abuse.

    I think you need to understand if he is tired, ill, stressed, etc. he will not be able to get aroused or be able to perform. Begging, pleading, demanding, etc. are not going to help especially if your mother and step-brother can hear what is going on. It can make matters worse.

    You need to take responsibility for your own happiness and self-esteem. It should not be based on how much sex you are having. There are far too many variables that go into how often and how much for it to ever be an accurate gauge of someone's attraction and love. Instead, look at all the other things you say he does. Those speak volumes about how he feels about you. Plus he is still there when you aren't exactly helping him feel better about himself.

    You need to find other outlets for your stress. Training your dogs. Getting a job or volunteer work that gets you out of the house. Taking a class. Anything that helps you feel better and less like you are going to explode. Find a hobby you can enjoy (maybe even one you can share with your boyfriend). If you feel better about yourself and less stressed, it will show in your relationships.

    As a couple, you need to find a quiet time and place to discuss what is going on and the concerns that each of you have. Be honest that right now is not a good time to have a child, but is a good time to start planning. (Take time to make sure you are healthy and in a better place mentally and you will have a healthier baby.) Listen with an open mind to how he feels and what his needs are. Work together. Find compromises where they are needed. Maybe try to find a different time of day for intercourse. Maybe accept that for right now every two weeks may be the best you can get, but do other things that remind each other of how much you are attracted to each other. Remind each other of why you are together.

    When you feel like exploding, take a step back, breathe deep and let the anger go. Recognize it for what it is-frustration with life and things beyond your immediate control. Put the energy into something you can control. It can be something as small as painting your fingernails a different color or as large as building a chair. Perhaps, a walk with your dogs. Just don't take it out on others.

    Good luck finding a new place that will take the dogs.
    Keesha290's Avatar
    Keesha290 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Oct 29, 2010, 06:19 PM
    Comment on Cat1864's post
    It would help if he came home at night, 20 past 2am and I'm still waiting for him to come in when I was up all last night as well. (sigh) I think he's at his mates home
    Keesha290's Avatar
    Keesha290 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Oct 29, 2010, 06:23 PM
    Comment on simoneaugie's post
    I am with GPM properties in ellesmere port, which is were I wish to live in the uk. I haven't seen a search criteria for dogs on the letting agencies websearches, and the port is a medium town with not many homes available anyway, our bad luck.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,910, Reputation: 5430
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    #6

    Oct 29, 2010, 06:40 PM

    Be busy and interesting yourself to recapture his attention. Make your own life apart from him and your housemates, so that you have something to talk about and also you have things that will make you happily tired at the end of the day.

    How about just sitting on the couch next to each other, watching TV and just holding hands -- but no other expectations. Touch more and hug more, but no other expectations.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #7

    Oct 29, 2010, 08:53 PM

    It sounds like you and he need to move and have a place of your own, he is being worked to death at home it sounds like after he works a job. Being a care giver for two others is damanding.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #8

    Oct 30, 2010, 05:33 AM

    Comment on Cat1864's post

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It would help if he came home at night, 20 past 2am and I'm still waiting for him to come in when I was up all last night as well. (sigh) I think he's at his mates home
    I am going to blunt. Is there a reason for him to come 'home'? From what you are describing of life in your house, I am not sure if he feels comfortable being there. Is it 'home' to him?

    One of the skills to learn as a couple is how to be supportive of each other instead of making situations worse. Communicating effectively is a major part of that skill.

    Make a 'date' to talk with each other without distractions.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #9

    Oct 30, 2010, 07:38 AM
    Maybe what he wants is a relationship with you, not your mother, not your handicapped brother, and not your dogs. That is a lot to expect in my opinion, for a relationship to endure, over a long period without change.

    I suspect that you have, after over 50 attempts, been a long time at trying to get your own place. That is a long time to maintain a relationship in such a busy home, as it is with where the two of you are now.

    If what is holding you back are the dogs, my opinion is, get rid of the dogs. I don't mean put them in a kill shelter by any stretch of the imagination, so don't take that as me being an animal hater, as I'm about as far from that as one can get. But, find a good home for them, and then put your boyfriend and your needs of being together, first.

    I know if I were in your boyfriends shoes, I would be reluctant to impose my needs, when obviously your priorities are your dogs.

    As to the sex. Think of your relationship as a big plate full of turkey, mashed potatoes, vegetables, and fresh dinner buns. That is 100% perfect. Then, take away the brussel sprouts, and what are you left with. 95%. So, if the meal were your relationship, and not enough sex is your only problem, you still have a pretty good meal there.

    And, his reasons for not wanting sex may also have to do with his fear of communicating to you. Maybe he is overwhelmed, stressed out, worried, and unsure of where the relationship is going. If it hasn't gone where it was supposed to by now, he may be thinking of greener pastures, who knows.

    I would suggest you talk about the relationship itself. Not just sex. Sex is only one part of that meal after all, and if you can work out the brussle sprout problem by making simple changes and sarifices, your future could hold many more satisfying, complete meals.
    Clemintine's Avatar
    Clemintine Posts: 105, Reputation: 30
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    #10

    Oct 30, 2010, 11:52 AM
    You seem to be stuck in one of those dances couples get into.. repeating steps over and over endlessly.
    You feel unwanted and upset so you lash out needing any kind of attention, he retreats even more behind his calm downs and I'm tireds when you do this. He doesn't know another way to react to someone he sees only anger from, he may feel like he lets you down most of the time anyway and doesn't know how to deal with it so he shuts down even more.
    Your lashing out is actually you asking for attention of any kind from him since that's what is lacking for you.
    His I'm tired calm down is his way of hiding away from the idea that he is just not enough for you, not good enough and is failing you more everyday which is reinforced by you getting upset all the time around him.
    Not saying to stop getting upset... Sit down with him and try to explain how you really feel behind your tears and anger. When you throw a mug at him (as silly as this sounds) It's really you yelling out "Goddamn it come over here and give me a goddamn hug or anything!"
    All he sees is someone getting mad all the time at him and not knowing why (he doesn't see the underlying need to connect), he might be thinking he's lost all ability to please you or make you happy and so he feels worse and worse and closes off from you.
    So my advice, no matter how crappy your home life and sex life is right now it could be lots better if you sit down with him, not pointing any blame but just explain why you get upset at him or with him. Say exactly how you feel, unwanted and useless, and when you get angry at him it's because your trying to get his attention and saying really badly how much you wish you two would be closer. And when I say connection and being closer I don't mean sex completely but the strengthening of your emotional bond together as a whole. Your sex life would improve if this was improving. Ask him if all he sees is your anger, did he even think behind all that there is just his girl asking him to pay her some attention? And it's perfectly fine for you to want his attention and to ask for it. I had a long long time getting used to the idea of asking for something I needed. I thought it was stupid "Why should i ask for something he should be doing anyway if he loved me?" and it's because I was afraid to ask for what I need, being let down so many times before I learned to not ask and to just assume he would/should know. Baaad idea. Guys don't do that, nobody can do that, reading minds isn't part of how we work! You have to open the lines of communication with him as soon as possible! The longer this goes on the farther apart you will grow, and become less empathetic toward one another, not noticing when either of you need some attention...
    I experienced this myself in my relationship, and once you point out and realize your just in this endless circle of dance steps you pushing and him retreating then you can start pointing it out and interrupting it. I learned some good ways of dealing with this and a lot of other (surprisingly common) relationship fights from a book called "Hold me tight" and I'd suggest it to you and your hubby... really good read.
    I do hope you find a place for yourself your man and your dogs! I think it's really great of you to take such good care of your dogs by the way... animals are important little parts of our families and it's sad to see when people pick them up and dump them off without a second thought. So I am glad to see you trying to so hard to find the right place for all of you!
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #11

    Oct 31, 2010, 06:03 PM

    Which is more important: Where you wish to live or how you wish to live?

    My friend was having similar struggles until her brother described life as rowing a canoe upstream. You can fight the rapids or you can take a detour through quiet water. You simply decide whether you want to fight and make little progress or detour and get where you want to go.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #12

    Oct 31, 2010, 08:27 PM
    "he is a great guy but..." happens here all the time.

    id normally go on and on and on with a post like this. I'm not in the mood.

    you have an obligation to think about what is important to you and to know what you can let slide. You have an obligation to let your partner know your needs.

    if he ignores these you have an obligation to change direction. Either redefine your needs or get the hell out.

    I get that there are so many things that can affect libido... and he might have "legitimate" reasons. But that doesn't make it OK for you.

    he can be tired. Not ready. Not interested. Fine.

    that doesn't diminish your need.

    I'm jaded. I've been in your place. I naturally place great value on physical touch. Yes... an orgasm is nice... but I'm more interested in an attentive lover. Someone willing to chase me as I'm willing to chase her. And while I'm willing to be patient through rough spots and spells, I also have learned that if you aren't willing to demand what you need... nobody else will do this for you.

    so... think about how important this is. Is it worth walking away? Why or why not?

    my last Big Love Lost was a "great girl but..."... she wasn't a good fit in some very important areas... we are great as friends, but mismatched as lovers. Its maddening, but just the truth.
    Keesha290's Avatar
    Keesha290 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #13

    Nov 4, 2010, 01:07 AM
    Right, Good news. I decided to take a different approach and swap my role with him. Now its me looking after and spoiling him and being flattering etc. And you know what?
    For the past week things couldn't have been better. Him and me have had nights in four times in the past few days. I'm happier and so is he. I am now happy to keep things the way they are now. I did a lot of thinking after reading your posts and realised that I was so demanding because of his lack of interest. Thank you everyone.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #14

    Nov 4, 2010, 04:17 AM

    It sounds like you are doing well.

    Just remember to let him take care of you every now and then so that there is some balance and you don't end up in a new rut.

    Good luck.

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