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TheArmyGuy · Oct 28, 2010, 03:23 PM

I am 40 years old, I got married to my wife at the age of 20. We dated since I was too young to drive. I never really had any girlfriends prior to her, dated a few but nothing I would consider serious. We were each others "first." Somewhere around the age of 25, we both mutually agreed to see other people because we were on the verge of divorce, I guess both of us sexually unsatisfied. That went on for about a year or so, and we both decided we still loved each other. We kept the "door open" and though it was never really used just having it there was nice. After the reconnection "we agreed to swinging" We did that once a week for a few years and it was fun for the both of us. Eventually even that got tiresome. I feel we have exhausted all means of keeping the love alive and the excitement in the bedroom. I don't love her the way I did when I was 20, and I didn't at 25 either. My feelings for her have drastically subsided over the past 7 years, with this year being the worst of course. I just don't see it getting better, but mind you I wanted it too so I kept trying and trying to make things better. I still love her as a person, and as a mom, but I don't love her like a husband should, It really eats at me, and I hate myself for it. I just want to give up and move on, but my wife insists that you can't just spend 24 years with someone and stop loving them. I don't think I stopped loving her cause I do, It's just not the same way she wants me to love her. It is to the point that I was really unhappy. I am deployed to Afghanistan I have been here over 8 months now, I would have expected me to actually miss her, but I don't. But she did have a medical problem, and I was concerned for her. Is there something wrong with me? Do relationships fail like this. If they do end under circumstances like this.. How does one end a relationship on "good terms"? Thanks for your input.

tickle · Oct 28, 2010, 06:25 PM

Romantic love is entirely difference from 'comfortable, old shoe' love, and then there is no love at all and then just affection. You still fee affection for her, you admit that, but affection is not enough to carry on a monogamous relationship between two people who are still young enough to find new love. No, there is nothing wrong with you. You have fallen out of love for the girl you fell in love with.

There is life after, but you don't mention any children, that is an important part of the 'life after'.

You both can part with good feelings, and on good terms, just work at that part and be determined that is how it should be.

Good luck, I know how you feel.

Ms tickle

VRon1 · Oct 28, 2010, 08:39 PM

You keep comparing your current love to your past love. What's in the past is there for a reason; to help you decide what to do in the here and now.
Have you ever read Siddhartha? It's an amazing story about life's journey and understanding.
Take your love for her and tell her how you feel; she deserves it, and you deserve it. Use your knowledge of love from her and go out and try new things. I'm not saying be a sleeze ball and sleep with tons of women but have fun.
It sounds like you're stuck in the same routine which cannot help matters much at all.

TheArmyGuy · Oct 29, 2010, 03:42 AM

Originally Posted by tickle

Romantic love is entirely difference from 'comfortable, old shoe' love, and then there is no love at all and then just affection. You still fee affection for her, you admit that, but affection is not enough to carry on a monogamous relationship between two people who are still young enough to find new love. No, there is nothing wrong with you. You have fallen out of love for the girl you fell in love with.

There is life after, but you dont mention any children, that is an important part of the 'life after'.

You both can part with good feelings, and on good terms, just work at that part and be determined that is how it should be.

Good luck, I know how you feel.

ms tickle

I Guess mentioning the children would be an important factor, I did not mention them because I was more concerned with our relationship. I have tried to explain to her how I feel, but she will not have any part of it. She insists there is no way I can't love her after being together for 24 years. The Kids have been the main reason to stay. They are 8 and 10. They are important to me, My concern is what will be left in 10 years when the kids are all grown up?

shes_cool · Oct 30, 2010, 05:14 AM

If you are truly and deeply out of love with her, it is unfair to stay. Sit down with her and talk to it directly, be honest and sincere. You deserve to be happy and so does she.
It will end on good terms if you make it end there. An aunt and uncle of mine who have been married for 14 years, they are now filing for divorce but remain on 'good terms'. You would never have thought they separated in the first place lol but they seem so much happier. And I quote "Look at all the divorces these days- all angry, bitter, twisted and full of hate and rage. We so do not want to be like them- it ages you 10yrs instantly!"

I really hope it goes well for you and your wife. Be strong and be honest.

Synnen · Oct 30, 2010, 10:04 AM

Get over the idea that you're going to end this on good terms. You're NOT going to get out of this without a fair amount of drama.

Have you tried marriage counseling? Relationships, like anything else worthwhile, take work. You have to continue to nurture your feelings for someone for them not to wither and die.

And frankly, your wife is now past her "prime", with 2 kids, and you really want her to happily cut the strings and let you go, leaving her still caring for you?

It also seems to me that your feelings have gotten less since the kids arrived--what's your thought on that?