[colleen78]

We are in a wonderful relationship and we have almost everything a real couple would want to build a foundation for marriage, and we do amazing things together and love each other deeply - but he has a strong problem with my past. He asked me about my past early on and I agreed because I thought it was the right thing to do, to share and be adults about it. Unfortunately what I told him still bothers him today, 5 months later. He wakes up some mornings with these strong feelings and then in return there’s times when he treats me very badly – to the point where I have broken up with him. He said he’s never wanted me to hurt him, just prove him wrong. He said this in an e-mail yesterday:
“Baby, don't be sad. I was just telling you my feelings, which I am actively trying to improve. Today, more than ever before, I have all motivation and the incentive to make things work. I want to give you 100% of me. That's where I want to be. I see you giving more and it is pushing me to improve even more. That's what I am doing. I am not going to settle for giving you anything less!!”
It was comforting to hear that, but not comforting knowing that he still has such strong feelings about it all. He’s 34 with a 50’s mentality. He believes that men can do whatever they want and that women should only have a small number of past partners. It really scares me sometimes to hear that from him. I promised myself I would never be with a man who has views like this. He has a Latin background, more on the traditional side. The interesting part to all of this is that he has had 100+ more partners than me.
Do you think he can ever get over these feelings? Do you think we have a shot? What should I do in the meantime to help-anything? He is going to a therapist and we have been going to church and taking yoga and trying to live a more spiritual life, and I really have been a wonderful girlfriend but I just don’t know what to do.
Thank you.

[rol]

Read my signature and show it to him!!

[s2tp]

Yeah this is a really hard situation!

I recently broke up with a great guy for this very same issue...

We were a roller coaster too... One day we would be great, be laughing and just being happy to be together, then the next day he would make a joke or accusation about my past and it was just so aggravating! He was never going to let it go, and I realized that. I didn't want to be 10 years down the road and still hearing about stuff I did before we were together... even after spending 10 faithful years together I know it would always be on his mind...

The thing is that was his problem, not mine. I have been able to accept what I have done. He couldn't accept it, therefor he could not accept me. In the end we tried being friends, but he said one more joke, and about 3 days ago I got to see the true side of him. He threw everything in my face... stuff I trusted him with cause I wanted to be accepted completely with my faults... but of course he couldn't see past it. He went to an all time low and started calling me names and just being the dirtiest person I have ever known! And I thought I loved this guy... UGH I am more angry at myself than him though...

I guess what I am trying to say is that if this guy cannot drop your past, well do you really want to live your life being tormented by him about it? Is that fair to you? How long have you been together? How long has he known about your past, and how long has he been bringing it up? I think its positive that he is actively trying to get over it... but just be prepared for him not to.

My last thought for you is that to me Love is accepting another for everything they are, everything they have done.. you accept it cause you love them and you trust them. Love makes you feel secure,makes you feel strong. Love should not make you feel uneasy or weak...

I hope you can work things out! Best Wishes

[J_9]

Here I go "Chuffing" again! :p

We are in a wonderful relationship and we have almost everything a real couple would want to build a foundation for marriage, and we do amazing things together and love each other deeply

He wakes up some mornings with these strong feelings and then in return there’s times when he treats me very badly – to the point where I have broken up with him. He said he’s never wanted me to hurt him, just prove him wrong.

Read those 2 quotes again. Does this sound like a wonderful relationship to you? It doesn't to me. RED FLAGS!!

He’s 34 with a 50’s mentality

How old are you?

He believes that men can do whatever they want and that women should only have a small number of past partners. It really scares me sometimes to hear that from him.

It should scare you. Your past is your past, there is nothing you can do to change it, you can only change the future.

The interesting part to all of this is that he has had 100+ more partners than me

He has had 100+ partners? Really, well, then you are the one who should be concerned. Sounds like he does not want to settle down. I would think twice about having a relationship with a man who has had this many partners. More RED FLAGS!!!

He has a Latin background, more on the traditional side.

Again more RED FLAGS if you do not have a traditional latin background.

Do you think he can ever get over these feelings? Do you think we have a shot? What should I do in the meantime to help-anything? He is going to a therapist and we have been going to church and taking yoga and trying to live a more spiritual life, and I really have been a wonderful girlfriend but I just don’t know what to do.
Thank you.

Only he knows if he will ever get over these feelings, but I personally would not want to be in a relationship with a man who has had this many women. It just shows me that he is not a committed person.

[tamed]

My last thought for you is that to me Love is accepting another for everything they are, everything they have done..you accept it cause you love them and you trust them. Love makes you feel secure,makes you feel strong. Love should not make you feel uneasy or weak...

Very Very well put. I would listen this advice, it is very much on point!

[colleen78]

I wish all of this could be so simple, but I am trying again and hoping that he comes around and in the meantime trying to let go or get myself ready for the possibility of moving on and not seeing him in my life. IT really is his issue and its nothing that I did to him, but if he cannot respect me than what can I do... I learned a lesson-never tell a man about your past.
He just spoke to me before and says that he's been feeling better as we have become closer and yes he has been treating me a little better and our fights are less, but I can';t say its been a full week since we have fought.

[talaniman]

Take your time and deal with these issues as it seems he is trying. These are his demons to conquer, not yours so just be supportive, but don't take one ounce of crap, or bad treatment. He either comes around, or he gets kicked to the curb. Sounds harsh, but trust me its more than fair and you deserve the best for even giving him a chance.

[s_cianci]

I learned a lesson-never tell a man about your past.

Unfortunately, you've learned the wrong lesson. You should be willing to be honest and upfront about your past, at least when it comes to someone you may be considering a future with. If someone can't handle it, then, as you've said, that's their problem, not yours. Anyone who's had 100+ partners should certainly have no problem with your past. If he does, then he's a real hypocrite and, as others have said, poses a huge red flag. I'd seriously rethink this relationship.

[chuff]

Post number 4 was both accurate, inciteful, caring and compassionate. I believe everything you need to see as it pertains to this relationship is outlined quite nicely and effectively there. The style is also quite effective and easy in terms for the reader and the original poster to understand. I give it my highestest rating.

[onlineguy]

Hi there. I do not know the reason why you have many past partners, nor do I need to as I am not judgeing you.

As I see it there are two issues that need to be highligted to your man.

1. If your previous relationships were relationships as opposed to sexual encounters. Then each of us enters into a relationship with a view to it working, but sometimes people are not compatible, no one's fault, that's life. Other wise he would be with his first love now. He is not and should be thankfull that you are not, or he would not of found you. He did not save his virginity till he met you, because he did not know he would meet you, same applies to you.

2. If your previous sexual encounter were not of a relationship nature, this can be for many reasons, lonliness, sexual experimentation are but a few. The point is does he wish to love you for the person you are or judge you for your past ! Perhaps ask him how he would feel if you were disgusted by the fact that he has a promisquise past ! Tell him that unless he goes back in time and changes this you will not love him ! Because that is what he wants you to do. Obviosly neither of you can. So tell him to stop being a hypogrite.

Sorry to be blunt to you, but men want to be able to sleep with any and every woman, its in our nature, (stud) but we want to be in a relationship with a virgin. (forgive the extream's, but I am sure you get my point). This is fine for a single man, who will happilly bed single women regardless of there past. So why shouldn't women be the same.

Relationships are 50/50. You are human, he is human, both with the same feelings and desires. What is good enough for him to do is good enough for you to do.

Basically he should not judge you without first judgeing himself. He should decide does he want to love you for you and you love him for him, including his promisquies past !

[colleen78]

Thank you very much ONLINEGUY, I will bring your last sentence into my discussion with him tonight. That is truly helpful. I am just wondering if he'll ever get over it at all.

[onlineguy]

Thank you very much ONLINEGUY, I will bring your last sentence into my discussion with him tonight. That is truly helpful. I am just wondering if he'll ever get over it at all.

Glad I could be of help.

Word to the wise though, I would try to avoid arguing over this topic as it affects his male pride ! Once this happens he will cut off his nose to spite his face and dig his heals in. Our male pride is very silly, very stupid but very REAL.

Just discuss it with him and pose hypothetical questions, let him see his folly himself.

--- You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink ---.

Let us know how you get on.

Best wishes.
Onlineguy.

[talaniman]

Stick by your guns as I have no sympathy for someone being abusive for any reason, let alone because his ego is skewed. Not a good excuse by my thinking. If his unrealistic expectations stand in the way of his happiness, that's just to bad for him. Don't let him bully you.