[zombiejamboree]

Here's a new spin on the "going-away-to-college" story.

My GF of two years left for grad school in September. Though she's only 150 km away, the rigour of her MBA programme, and its novelty (she was trained as an art teacher) has her overwhelmed. Of course, I miss her but don't want to place undue pressure on her when she clearly has enough as it is.

Nonetheless, I'm left with loneliness whilst she has the excitement of a new, larger city and a challenging but bracing course of study. When she left, we made no commitments beyond trying to do what we had been doing for the preceding two years.

It seems to me that one of the ways one renders a long distance relationship tolerable is to have a goal at the end, but GF is maddeningly -- if perhaps pragmatically -- open-ended ("who knows what will happen in two years when I graduate? I may stay here, or go somewhere else. It's too early to tell."). Again, I'm loathe to pressure her to do anything at this point; perhaps a light touch now will be rewarded later.

Or perhaps it won't be and I will be rewarded at the end of this interval with yet more loneliness.

Did I mention that I am 53 and she is 39? We're both divorced, she by her own choice, and me when my wife left me for a colleague at work. We're not kids, but I feel like one when I'm around her.

The other day, when I hinted that perhaps we should set some sort of goal, she said "We'll try our best to make this work day by day, as we have always done. Distance is tough, and you never know. You could meet someone in whom you're interested, and I would hope that you would pursue that interest, as I would should the same thing happen to me, but I'm not looking for that sort of thing. I'm too busy."

Well, I was stunned. Sure, in the end, all relationships are essentially day-to-day, but isn't this a bit TOO clear-eyed, even cynical? Now I'm wondering if this is not the sort of person who is interested in making a commitment of any kind.

Should I pursue some sort of goal or hope the pressure she's under is colouring her thinking at the moment and wait to see what happens? I'm not getting any younger.

[dhuber]

It sounds like the two of you have very different goals now that the two of you have parted ways. Sometimes people can grow apart and even they don't know it. However she has given you a hint of things to come. That's not to say that you will definitely not make it but it sounds like she has two issues sheis letting you know about - one is that for her school is her priority and two that she is really not committed to you. Sometimes when people go to school untraditionally they change their sense of values. I would start findings activities that will expose you to other women your age (our age haha) that are looking for companionship and share common interests rather than you bending to her place in life at this time. School can make people develop tunnell vision that does not include other people or other things. When she's done school then she will have a new career to focus on. Stop waiting for the other show to drop and start looking. Maybe a group like Parents Without Partners. If you aregoing to wait to see if she comes back around, then get a hobby to take up some of that spare time.

[talaniman]

You may feel like a youngster, but at your age you shouldn't act like one, so stop waiting for her approval to do your own thing, and take care of yourself, while she is doing the same thing.

Loneliness is your responsibility to overcome, not hers.

[KoolAide187]

Loneliness is your responsibility to overcome, not hers.

Omg... you should copyright that. That is a quote to live by right there.