Check out some similar questions!

seeker2 · Jan 1, 2007, 11:51 AM

The man I have been living with for close to 2 years gave me an engagement ring on my birthday. We both came from divorces and have children from our previous marriage. Our main stress in our relationship is our children, which we tackle together. We never fooled ourselves by saying it was going to be easy. We also know that most 2nd marriages end because of the children from previous marriages. We felt that if we see this before hand and work together, we will be able to make it. He told me before I moved in that his daughters were spoiled and selfish. I thought that he was exaggerating, we all tend to do that about our children from time to time. Unfortunately he was right. Don't get me wrong, I care for his girls as he does my boys ( they have their flaws too. I wouldn't want any of them to be perfect, that would not be healthy either.) I feel that the girls were taught this behavior and eventually with maturity will see how throwing fits because they do not get what they want (19yrs and 16 yrs) is not the best way to handle this. I do not plan to give up on them I do see that they have a loving heart. The oldest is very upset that he gave me a ring. She felt that she should have been talked to before he gave me the ring. I do love him and asked him if he wants the ring back until the girls could handle this better. He told me that I could give the ring back but he would only put it back on my finger, that the girls are just going to have to learn to accept this. I know that it is hard on them, however we have been living close to 2 years with one another. I love seeing him happy like he has been lately after giving me the ring, yet I fear that he will slip into one of his depressive states after talking with the girls like he really needs to. Any advise on how to handle this? Is it wrong for us to pursue this relationship? I don't want him to lose his daughters, nor do I think it's fair that he should have to sacrifice his personal happiness when they are 19 and 16. Am I wrong?

bkdaniels · Jan 1, 2007, 01:19 PM

There is a saying: Children are here to teach us the ways of Heaven; while we are here to teach them the ways of Earth. So, if your daughter is trying to tell you something, listen.

Don't always believe that your daughter don't know what she is talking about. She is an Angel that is sent from God.

Hope this answers your question!

REFERENCE(S)

1. University of Minnesota, 2006. Lesson 3: Listen to Your Children

tamed · Jan 1, 2007, 04:53 PM

At the end of the day this relationship is about the two of you, his children are old enough to have their own lives (I don't know how old yours are) so the fact that the oldest one is angry is just out of pure selfishness. If I am correct very soon she will be leaving for college and so will the other one in a couple of years time and after that only the two of you will remain, they will get on with their own lives while you will be depressed because you didn't get along with yours. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that their opinions do not matter, I am simply saying that the daughter may not have anyone else's interest in mind except for hers as you yourself said that their dad has been happier since, and from the sounds of things he is not a horrible father. Perhaps the two of you should discuss the situation at hand and figure out a way to handle the situation before the situation controls your relationship. Hope this helps.

ScottGem · Jan 1, 2007, 05:02 PM

I agree with the daughter. Her father should have given her the courtesy of letting her know he was going to propose. In fact, if it were me, I would have enlisted the girls help in picking a ring. I think he should apologize to her. I might even go so far as to have let your kids know as well.

That being said, when he apologizes, he should let her know, in no uncertain terms, that he loves you and the marriage will go ahead with her approval or without it. She is way old enough to not throw a tantrum if she doesn't get her way.

s2tp · Jan 1, 2007, 05:08 PM

My guess is that the older daughter is upset that he did not talk to her first, therefore he is putting you first... She *should* be mature enough to move on, but sometimes as young adults we don't always act the way we should, especially with something so touchy.

I think the best bet is for your fiancé! Sounds nice huh?. your fiancé should talk to hi daughters and explain to them that he is an adult and capable of making decisions on his own. He may apologize if they were hurt, but he is their father and did not see reason to discuss his relationship to them.

As for not wanting to break them apart, I don't think that will happen. Sure its going to be hard for them to adjust, but you have been living with them for 2 years now.. they should have had a clue this was going to happen eventually. She is just hurt in not being included. May be selfish, but its still her dad and her family, and I feel she is allowed some selfishness, as long as she is willing to eventually accept it. As long as you and your fiancé talk to your children and make them feel included in this family uniting, everything should be fine.

Just remember these children have all dealt with a broken family. They don't want to lose everything they have for a new woman. Not that they won't accept you, but they want to be included and not forgotten...

That's how I see things, hope it help a li'l bit.

Best wishes to you and your family!

s_cianci · Jan 1, 2007, 05:53 PM

I don't think you're wrong at all.At ages 19 and 16 they're practically adults and should look at things from a grownup point of view. Their father has a right to have a life, like you said. Certainly at 19 and 16 they're going to assert their own right to have their own lives (especially the 19-year old), so they should be able to adhere to the same standard for their father.

talaniman · Jan 2, 2007, 05:30 PM

Let Dad be dad and talk to his daughters, from your other posts you've had a rocky few months so I wish you luck.

JoeCanada76 · Jan 2, 2007, 05:54 PM

Honestly, I remember a guy on here asking about his daughters and moving to another city and what is best. This sounds like same situation or maybe it is just a coincidence.

My opinion stands. I do not think that the father needs to notify his daughter. You have been together for several years. Your both happy and now all of a sudden there is a problem. It boils down to jealousy. Plain and simple. I agree with tamed answer, that the girls are old enough. That the oldest one is acting like that just out of selfishness.

The relationship with each other. Is for each other. Yes, The children are part of the family as well. They will always be. For them not to be happy for both of you, is not your problem or his problem.

So in ending, Yes, both of you should continue this relationship. Yes, both of you should continue with your own personal plans.

Joe

ScottGem · Jan 2, 2007, 05:59 PM

I agree the father doesn't NEED to notify the daughters. But what is needed and what is right may be different things. In my opinion it would have been nice and diplomatic to include them. If it were me I would have taken them with me to buy the ring. That makes it a family affair and makes the daughters feel that they will be part of the new family.

JoeCanada76 · Jan 2, 2007, 06:22 PM

I agree, Scott. Making it more of a family affair would have eased everybody in the situation. Oh Now I know this is silly, and maybe it comes from watching too much TV. What if one of the daughters liked your son. Now they are finding out that when you get married that makes them brother and sister. Oh my God.

Anyway,

Joe

ScottGem · Jan 2, 2007, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

I agree, Scott. Making it more of a family affair would have eased everybody in the situation. Oh Now I know this is silly, and maybe it comes from watching too much tv. What if one of the daughters liked your son. Now they are finding out that when you get married that makes them brother and sister. Oh my God.

Anyway,

Joe

Not a problem, that kind of happened in my family. After my maternal grandparents married, my grandmother's mother married my grandfather's father. This made my grandparents stepbrother and stepsister. Which made my mother her own cousin.

JoeCanada76 · Jan 2, 2007, 07:44 PM

Interesting.

I have heard of somebody which has an aunt who is also this persons step mother. I also heard of a cousin being step sister. Figure that one out. Hmmmm.

Joe

seeker2 · Jan 4, 2007, 07:51 PM

Thank you all for your input. I don't think including her to pick out a ring would have been the answer with this daughter. She doesn't want her parents with anyone but each other. Although she saw how miserable her father was after they were not together. They chose not to let the girls know the truth as who's decision it was to end the marriage nor the fact that their mother was unfaithful and her lover was calling and harassing their father. He chose not to let them know the truth to protect them, however it has come back to bite him in the butt in several occasions now, with him wanting to move on. My boys ages range from 9-17. We do get the typical that we favor the other's children over our own, but I do think that is normal with blending families. Hopefully when they are all grown they will realize that yes, we do love our own children and learned to care for one another's children as well. But because we love one another and care for everyone, we have to be fair with everyone, even if that means our own child doesn't get what they want or their way this time. It just seems that no matter what I do or do not do, the 19 year old is not happy with me. She has told her father it's not me personally. I thought things would get better when she moved out, but it hasn't. I don't plan on giving up, I too agree that children are gifts. I just want everyone to try to accept one another. I think it's time for us to be happy. We both had bad marriages and have been unhappy for most of those marriages. I am afraid that with this rough start... I just hoped everything would have been a little easier after living with one another for 2 years.

JoeCanada76 · Jan 4, 2007, 09:53 PM

Honestly,

It is not meant to be easy. I would be wondering if something is going to eventually blow up in everybodies face if it was too easy. I think that the rough parts, it not being easy. Both of you will be able to share and learn about each other. Continuing to discover each other and grow with each other. If this is going to do you in then I would say it was not going to last anyway. If you two are so strong and happy with each other. No matter what happens around you things will work out. Eventually all of these things will be worth the fight, right? Anyway, I do believe you two need to continue with this together and that it is up to you whether you let this bumpy ride deter you or BRING YOU CLOSER TOGETHER. I am hoping you have a beautiful future and wedding. Good luck with everything and my thoughts are with your whole family.