[Ron43113]

I've been with my wife for 17 years. We have 2 boys together 14 and 11. In the beginning (in our early 20's)of our relationship she had an affair and I didn't find out about it to a year after it had ended and our first son was born. We stayed together and tried to work through it. I had a lot of trust issues and my wife more or less isolated herself to building that trust back with me. I had a lot of anger issues from the hurt and was not the most pleasant of people to be around and I acknowledge my faults now years later. I felt like choices was made for my life that I didn't have any say or control in because of honesty. I recently found out that my wife said she was afraid of me and hid her emotions and feelings out of fear. I never knew this was how she felt because she never talked to me for the past 10 years she has been a stay at home mom. About a year ago we come close to separating. At that time I was the one ready to walk away because I felt for weeks she had been distant and old demons creeped up and I thought she was having another affair. Through long discussions we had agreed to keep working on our marriage but she had told that she wasn't going to start caring a little more for herself instead of being so absorbed into us. I was fine with that. I figured that would be good for herself to try and find her identity again. After those discussions I listened to her and made a very stern effort to be more of a man she needed. About 4 months ago she got a 4 day a week 3rd shift part time job while I work 2nd's. The first month was all right. Minding the fact that we would only see each for 1 hour a day 3 days a week. Over the past month she has been very distant again. I've tried talking to her about spending more time with me, and over the past 2 days we've had arguments. I told her I just wanted to spend more time with her that I was lonely. She told me she feels smothered. This morning we had another pretty heated discussion about it and she says that she can't handle all these issues and problems, and for years she built up all this anxiety of fearing me, and wants us to separate and have space while she figures things out. I talked to her and she says she will try with us but can't make any promises that she loves me but is not in love with me. I told her I never knew she felt that way all those years. She never said hey Ron your being a jerk stop it! I thought through all these years that we were stronger as a couple for weathering through a lot of tough years. I've always worked extremely hard 10 to 12 hours a day because she was a stay at home mom for 10 years. I didn't know I was being that insinsitive until 15 years later this morning. Through this past year that I've tried to changed things I've fallen more in love with my wife while she's fallen out of love. She said she's seen the improvements. She also said, at times she would care more for me than others, but was angry at the fact that "why now is he so nice" and I from her eyes wasn't for so many years earlier. But, I feel like she's painted me up to be a monster in her mind. I knew every couple has issues. I thought that was part of the relationsip. I have never drank or did drugs. I feel when I talked to her this morning she just ripped my heart out. I was never expecting to her my wife say she didn't love me or she wanted to spend time apart. I've always felt like I been good to her after she had the affair. Yes, I admit I was bitter for years and have trust issues. She told me though that she had to stop caring so much for me and start caring for herself this morning. I feel like my family is falling apart. We are currently still together but there is so much distance its almost like we are not even together. I feel like she is so caught up in herself that she absolutely does not care how I feel anymore or if our kids are going to living in a broken home. I never thought I was a bad husband and she says I'm a great father. She never said anything until today. Have I lost my wife, can I still save my marriage?

[talaniman]

You are seeing things through the lens of your own feelings, and its quite simply really, YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT SHE IS TELLING YOU, because all you see is things have changed, and not to your liking.

Its not just her feelings for you buddy, but the circumstances as your kids have gotten older, and more independent, she finds herself with a lot of time on her hands, and one big baby who needs more attention than her kids do.

All couples go through this, I think, as they enter the time when the kids are grown ups basically, and I think all females who were stay at home moms, and care givers, look to doing other things to define themselves.

This can be a great time to be a part of, if you make a few adjustments, and go back to the days it was just you two, and reignite the passions from yesteryear with a today flavor.

She wants her own time, so give it to her and make yourself a lot more independent from her, and more responsible for household affairs like cooking, and cleaning, not just for her but your kids also, so she will have less of a burden on just her shoulders.

Work less hours, and be there for your kids a lot more. They need to see you more as mom is busy. That is a fantastic way to bond with them, and helps the whole house, plus you can relax more, and enjoy the fruit of your labor.

Next, make time when she is free, to be a couple again, and do things that you enjoy, like in the old days. Give her notice, so she can plan her schedule around these things, so you both can look forward to it.

For gosh sakes quit the whining, and crying about how little time, and attention you get, I mean, imagine what she went through when you were gone 15 hours a day for 5 days a week, and come home expecting food, love, companionship, with your tired grumpy azz. Be real here. The world doesn't revolve around you, and you should always love, and support whatever she does for herself to be happy with herself. Despite the cheating incident, she isolated herself for her family and YOU, now its her time, so get behind it like a mature male, or when the kids do leave the nest, guess who is next.

Now you can worry and protest, and be a big baby, or you can see the good, and work toward making it better, and building on it.

Long story short, make love to her mind again, so she can be happy with you. Adjust your attitude to one of gratitude for what you do have.