[cyberoptics]

I am 41 now, and I have had a few boyfriends in my past. It started sweet, but I always got dumped, and I after a while realized that I was too insecure, as in, I felt vulnerable when I fell in love too fast and it resulted in my clinging because of fear. Of course this make him give me the boot! After being depressed, I began dating again, and I always had a knack for finding guys who wanted a girlfriend, I never had a problem with guys trying to take advantage of me, but there was the odd one and since I didn't believe in sex before marriage I ended it quickly. I also found that many men thought I was together and confident. Now after several years, I dated on man in church and we never had sex, and it lasted for 7 years until I finally gave up. This is when I realized I was too patient and had hung on to stringers, and noticed this pattern. I decided to start to look seriously for a boyfriend when I was 40. When I was 39 I was in college again, and an instructor flirted with me and I ended up kicked out of college. After that I was told about a dating website, and I looked on it, and I started to think perhaps I'll look for a boyfriend. But because this man flirted with me, I suddenly got an urge to test out flirting. When I did I learned quickly how you really have to watch what you say, as they will get upset or angry or else run after you to use you sexually. But after that I cleaned up my profile and showed myself to be looking seriously. I decided to look for men coming out of University who I felt might be ready to look for a woman seriously. The trouble I have been led into is, I now only attract 20 year old boys who only want sex, or else 30 year old men who only want sex, and I don't dress like a hoochy mama... moreover I try to treat the situation like I did when I was 20 but I feel I'm wiser now too.The thing is, they are really coming on strong and I ended up being taken advantage of once, and after that I felt like I had to REALLY work hard to keep them from NOT trying to push things into a sexual direction. I've found then lying to me, and also, it's as if they say they want to have a relationship but always push things a sexual direction. I decided that maybe I should only date while with a group of people, like people do in church groups where you are always in a public place and never alone with the person, therefore they cannot try anything without thinking about what your friends might react like. I thought thos would be good. However, now no one bothers... I'm just wondering WHY I cannot have a serious relationship. I also find that people are starting to dislike me in group situations, and I cannot get into a group anyway where I would be safe and NOT alone with someone, I'm rejected from groups.I also am finding that every attempt I make to be mature and better a situation something happens to make it into something worse. I have loved so many and been very cool, genuine and wonderful, and yet have not been loved back. I even tried playing a game, to get them to chase, and they only chase is they think there could be sex, and then they leave me alone otherwise. Men are not inviting me out with their friends, to even let me into their life, they keep on trying to set a rule where I'm not supposed to get attached... and I say, well that's silly, I'm hoping to develop feelings for someone. And then I get silence. I used not talk about things, and pretend I didn't want a relatio nship to go anywhere, and I truly felt like I would wait until things got to those stages naturally, however that got me strung on. However now that I'm tryhing to be a little more goal oriented, I'm scaring them. The parts that get to me are, I have witnessed people doing all the things I've done, and easily have connected and had been married to people. They have been in a variety of places in their maturity and in life, just like me, but have all ended up married. Some were naïve and clingy like I was, and the guy stayed with them. Some were cool, and the guy married them, some were older and they got married, some were chaste and they got married. And all the things and experiences I every had ended in nothing, yet other people I see even right now, pairing off and being successful. Why can't I find a person to marry and why is it that I'm found to be attractive and smart an nice and very open minded and experimental trying all things, and things are not only not successful for me, but whatever I did before is getting different results now than it did before. I haven't actually changed, I just learned more and tried more, but I'm still the same person. Is it people around me, and how can I get something to work, or find someone who is serious when everyone now is just a dog looking for sex? I feel like I have a wrestling match trying to set things on a path towards building a relationship, and all these guys are trying to make it into a sexual encounter, even though I make profiles stating very obviously what my intent is, and that I accept only serious inquiries. On that note, I actually love to enjoy the times I share with people without any pressure, and I would be frightened myself if things went too fast and I'm happy to go at a slow pace. Not be strung on forever. -Deb

[Enigma1999]

Hello Deb,

Just by reading your post, to me, it sounds as if you are jumping from one man to the next, in hopes of finding love. Therefore, I believe that a lot of these men get that vibe from you that you are in a hurry to settle down. That can scare a lot of men.

I think that you should slow it down a little. It doesn't seem as if you have a problem attracting men, and being able to have relationships, it just sounds as though once you have them, you pressure. Even if you didn't pressure with your words, your actions show them.

Compairing people that you know to your own situations, well, you simply cannot. Everyone's situation is different. Sure, mabe there approch is the same, but you don't know their every little move, or how they go about their relationships.

You seem to be a woman who has it together, you just need to let nature takes its course. Sure, go on dates, just have fun and take it slow.

As for sex, well, this will separate the men from the boys. I realize tha you are in your early 40's, and most likely you are dating men that same age, give or take, so I can understand how after dating for a while, you two are going to want to "connect". Again, if a man is trying to push the issue, then you don't want them any way. ( I think you already know that though).

Do you have a good male friend to talk to? I know this might sound silly, but with me, I have a close friend who is a male, and I always ask him questions about cretain situations. It tends to help get a man perspective.

[cyberoptics]

I wouldn't say I was jumping. I was trying to stay with each one and be loyal with them. It's they who did the jumping. And I didn't highlight the differences too well:

In the beginning I did not pressure at all, I waited, time was on my side, I thought things should come natural
I had friends who pressured and it worked for them, they have love marriage and children.

Now I have realized I didn't put ANY pressure on and I'm trying to find the right amount without making myself and the guy feel uncomfortable. Because it's uncomfortable for me to be pushy, I like to let things happen as they come.

But doing either has not worked for me.

So I was just wondering what the solution is. I'm trying hard to get it right, to send a message that those who want a good woman, and a girlfriend should come to me, now is the time!

Because obviously there are men looking for relationships, and they want someone like that.

But why would I be attracting the ones that are extremely opposite, total dogs? Like why would a DOG want a woman who is dead serious... makes no sense. Hmmm

And when I took my time, I attracted good guys but they didn't ever want commitment either. It was like... they had no pressure so therefore the thought never entered their minds!


So that's the difference that happened over time.

The fact that I don't like to pressure should be a good indicator that I probably don't do it too much, some of my friends were trying to school me on be even worse!

-Deborah