[crys27]

I have been with the same man for over 6 years. We actually have 3 little girls and have been married and divorced. He used to drink a lot and beat me up, and I would catch him ALL the time with other women. After having our last child, he just changed, like overnight! She is 18 months old now and he stays home every night, hardly drinks, and rarely even raises his voice at me. Here is the problem... this is what I have been wanting him to be for so long, but, now it seems like there is no passion. At least before after the fighting we would make up and be affectionate, not just sex... And don't get me wrong I DO NOT WANT what it was before, I am a mother and they do NOT desrve craziness. But we do not have sex but maybe once a month... MAYBE, there is the morning kiss before work, zero affection other than that? HELP!! I do love him.

[411Help]

I'm going to be very blunt with you because I feel as if you need it,

Regardless of the situation, you should not stay with ANYONE that has abused you.

You say he changed over night, what if he changes back over night? What if he kills you? One of your kids?

Oh, not only that, but he has CHEATED on you? You need to not walk, but run away from this man and find a more deserving person.

Of course the passion is not there, you saw the monster he had become.

[beachloverjohn]

You must have such a low opinion of yourself that you would still be living with this man. And your children are so lucky to be able to grow up in such a dysfunctional home. And you say you love him. So here's how I see it. This guy cheated constantly, drank excessivley, beat the crap out of you, and you divorced him but you are still together. So what you are saying to him is it's perfectly Ok to treat me like an animal, so whenever you decide to go back to being a monster, I'll be here waiting. You need a dose of self respect, not to mention a little old fashioned pride. You want to be his whipping boy, fine, but not fair to your kids.

[crys27]

Ok, that was harsh, somewhat true but harsh. My kids actually never seen him ever hit me. They were babies then and it has been over a year since ANY incident happened. We were split up last April until last August and he was out at a bar and some men beat the crap out of him(Karma). I do not have low self esteem or a low opinion of myself. I gave him this one last shot and he has NOT done anything that he used to. He was a monster and I spent many nights just being what I call tortured, but, he is a family man today. I just cannot get over the past. He is a great father and is faithful and does not touch me at all anymore. I feel like I am the one who is mean now. It is a long story but I cannot leave at all right now and I am not sure I even have any ground to. I guess I just wish we could go way back to when we first met. Now that he has changed am I wrong? Or is it OK to not forgive n forget?

[talaniman]

So you are saying he has changed. But its you still living in the past? Of course you are, and you have been through a lot, and may need a lot of support, and guidance to get yourself back to a healthy place. You need more help than advice or opinions, and that's my advice, get help for your healing, so you can make good decisions for yourself. They have counseling and referral services at your local battered woman's shelter, and that's a good place to start to find what you need.

Getting your a$$ kicked, and tortured may have done more damage than just hurt your body. That was a traumatic time you went through.

[Devorameira]

Odds are really against him changing for good. You need to know and understand that only a very small percentage of abusers can be helped, then they have to want the help... serious long term professional help.

It takes real commitment and years of therapy to change such ingrained behavior. It can be beaten into him that it is “bad” but getting him to actually change and not just have him pretend that he has changed are very different animals.

For your sake and the sake of your children, I hope that his change is permanent, but just in case, you need a plan to enable you to take the children and leave quickly if his violence returns.

Please be careful!

[beachloverjohn]

Yes it is OK to forgive. Not OK to forget. Everybody deserves a second chance, so if he is living up to his responsibilities, and being a good husband and father, then yes, stick with him. But there is still a great deal of work to be done, and I think the two of you need to get some marriage counseling to help you become a loving couple again, as you were when you first met. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. And he is extremely lucky to have this chance. I hope he knows that.

[crys27]

I have gone through 3 different victims of domestic violence groups and was even asked to speak at one for a new group of girls a year later. I have been through all the groups and classes, but this is helpful. I just want us back and I do not know how to do it. I am not happy and I want to be. I do not feel like I am in a relationship. Meaning... there is nothing in the way of affection or sex or romance or love. I feel like after all he has put me through I deserve for him to be romantic, sweet, loving and cuddly.

[crys27]

Thank you "John". I am starting to feel like he is rejecting me by not wanting affection or sex, even though I am not in the mood ever. I want to be wanted and I am not. Why? Maybe he isn't faithful and I lost my private eye skills? I am a very attractive woman, not stuck up or bragging and not the most beautiful either, but I have never had any trouble in this department, even after having kids... haha. But anyway, I am starting to feel like maybe he is bored with me or maybe he doesn't see me that way anymore. I know there are times when I do not find him attractive, like after an argument or when thinking of the past??

[beachloverjohn]

Ok Crys, I understand what you are saying. Get him to therapy, counseling. If he won't go, then there is little chance things will change. Eventually you will be so fed up with this lack of intimacy, that you will either split up for good, or you might look for love elsewhere. This will put you in danger, so I urge you to take a stand and stick to it. I wish you all the best.

[crys27]

Thank you. I will ask him and I think this is a great idea. I do hate that if we aren't intimate that I think he is, just not with me. The intimacy and trust issues are the worst!

[crys27]

Thank you. I will def talk to him about it. I think it is a great idea and if this doesn't work I guess nothing will?