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tayjay · Sep 23, 2010, 06:37 PM

Now she has 2 babies, and I can not see them because we are fighting again! People tell me that she is an adult, and if she chooses to raise her babies in a certain way then it is none of your business.

I said that my grand girl at 14 months should go out for walks and know where her eyes and nose are, and have all the pieces to her toys so she can learn developmental skills! For this I am barred for life! I can not keep crying every night, or being a grandmom for a month, and then I can not see them. Should I walk away?

Fr_Chuck · Sep 23, 2010, 07:12 PM

Unless the children are being neglected or not being taken care of to a point you need to call Children's Services, honestly if you don't have a good relationship to start with, you butt out.
You don't tell her how to raise her child, you visit often, love the child and then you help teach the child when you are with the child, what you think the child should know.

So what has your telling her that she is wrong got you, she is still raising the child her way, and now you can't even help when you are there, since you can't be there.

So you say you are sorry, and try to stay part of the grandchilds life. But not the boss of a grown child.

tayjay · Sep 23, 2010, 07:36 PM

It is a long and sad story, but to try to sum it up... my daughter is the product of divorced parents, who fought all the time. I took him to court for 18 years, and just tried to give my daughter everything to make up for it, but in doing so I created a monster. To this day he lies to her, and she questions me until some family member confirms that I was telling the truth. She never trusts me when it comes to the children! I do not have any clue to why! I love these babies so much. I love the dogs too! Before she met the monster, she had those little dogs. They adore her, and because she is miserable, and overwhelmed with a newborn and a 14 month old... they are forgotten. He hates small dogs, and they put their tails down when he is around. I can not stand it! I do not know for the life of me why my daughter would want to subject herself or her children, and these adorable dogs to this monster anymore.
I used to see my grandchildren at least once or twice a week, until a fight would happen and then I am banned again! I was called at 12:30 at night to go over to her house and get the monster out. He locked her out of her own house in bare feet with a baby in her arms, but since then they made up and I am the bad guy! This is my only child! I am watching this unfold and I am helpless. I am scared, angry and do not even know where to turn anymore.
I always had the instinct as a mother, and how could I now turn away?

tayjay · Sep 23, 2010, 07:51 PM

I am new to this, and instead of answering your reply to my question, I replied to my first question! It was for you to see.

QLP · Sep 24, 2010, 06:58 AM

I'm sorry if this is going to sound harsh. If your daughter grew up with warring parents and a father who was absent it's not really surprising that she is settling for a husband who doesn't measure up. I'm afraid many people do relive what they experinced as children.

You tried, and are still trying, to make up for earlier problems by over-parenting her now.

You can't undo the past. All you can do is try and take a step back and allow her to learn from her own mistakes but make it clear that you love her and are there for her. A terribly hard path for a mother to follow I know, but if you don't get her onside she is never going to come to you for help when she realises she needs it. This means you have to be as supportive as possible despite the mistakes she might be making, but know when to keep quiet about the things that alienate her.

I agree a child benefits greatly from being taken for walks and being be taught by their parents but you trying to drill this into your daughter will only make her feel like you are saying she is a rubbish mum, something she may already be worried about deep down. Even as adults our children can thrive on praise, so find things to make positive comments on and wait until asked for advice or help as far as the negatives go.

answerme_tender · Sep 24, 2010, 03:01 PM

Sometimes as mothers we are quick to advise how its to be done. We tend to forget all the mistakes we have done over the years we our own kids. How we wanted our mom's to help, just not take over. I know its hard as a grandmother to stand by. I can remember my mom saying that her grandbabies were her ticket to heaven, it was her way of making up for her mistakes. Try to think back of how you would have felt having your mother just tell you what your doing wrong instead of what you need right!
As far as the man she is with, if he is abusing your grandchildren call social services. If he isn't, then it will be up to your daughter when she has been locked out of the house enough times to leave that situation. Try writing a letter to your daughter telling how much you love her and you will always be there for her and your grandchildren, make it full of positive things, nothing negative. Good luck

DoulaLC · Sep 25, 2010, 07:44 AM

Tell her that you love her and that you love your grandchildren. You are sorry if there were times you might not have set the best example in dealing with her father and problems in your marriage and that you only want her to have a wonderful, loving relationship in her own life. Apologize that you may have come across as trying to tell her how to raise her children, that was not your intent, and that you know she is a great mother. That you are there for her and the kids if they need you for anything.

As Fr_Chuck said, when the kids are with you, play games with them that you feel would be helpful in their learning.

jenniepepsi · Sep 25, 2010, 11:04 PM

My mom is abusively controllnig in this aspect.

It doesn't sound like you are. And that's good!

But no matter what the degree, it is hurtfull to hear your mother tell you that you're a bad mom. Even if you don't use those words. Suggesting, or insinuating that she is doing something wrong, may be hurtfull, and of course, any woman hurt, will react defensively and aggressively. Especially when it comes to her chlidren and parenting style.

The best thing you can do is back off hon. They are her children. Think about how you would have liked it if anyone told you how to raise your children.

Good luck hon. *hugs*