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    VictoriaS's Avatar
    VictoriaS Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 22, 2010, 08:59 PM
    Is Visiting My Husband's old friend appropriate?
    My husband has a female friend that worked for a company that his company bought supplies from. My husband and his first wife knew her parents and they all went on vacations together. He attented her wedding. Now after 20 years and both of her parents are passed on. She gets his number from an old friend of my husbands that still lives near her and calls him. She invites us to come and visit her and her husband and stay at her house. Is this appropriate? Do I have a right to feel uncomfortable about it? My husband was put out because I said I would feel uncomfortable about staying there.
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #2

    Sep 23, 2010, 09:41 AM

    She isn't an old girlfriend. She is married. She has included you in the invite.
    Can you elaborate some on why you feel uncomfortable with this, there must be something you are feeling that is making you not want to go.
    Just Dahlia's Avatar
    Just Dahlia Posts: 2,155, Reputation: 445
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    #3

    Sep 23, 2010, 09:57 AM

    Are you feeling uncomfortable staying at their home or just going to see her in the first place.
    I also would feel uncomfortable at someone's home that I don't know. You can always stay at a hotel and visit with them.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #4

    Sep 23, 2010, 10:35 AM

    If you are uncomfortable staying at her home, a hotel sounds like a wonderful compromise.

    Other than the thought of staying in (to you) a stranger's home, I can't think of anything inappropriate unless you left out some details. If he and his first wife were friends with her parents whom she has lost, she may be reconnecting with memories of them as well as an old and valued friend. What is inappropriate about that?
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #5

    Sep 23, 2010, 10:51 AM

    A Hotel. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable at all staying with her and her family.
    88sunflower's Avatar
    88sunflower Posts: 1,207, Reputation: 462
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    #6

    Sep 23, 2010, 11:05 AM

    I agree with the others. She included you in the invite, which also included meeting her husband. There was no secret call for a secret meeting with him to "catch up". So unless there are details you left out its all innocent and good to me.
    VictoriaS's Avatar
    VictoriaS Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Sep 23, 2010, 05:38 PM
    I guess I would feel kind of left out as they would spend the evening talking about the things of the past that I was not a part of. Is that wrong? I guess I am having a "social anxiety moment".
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #8

    Sep 23, 2010, 06:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by VictoriaS View Post
    I guess I would feel kind of left out as they would spend the evening talking about the things of the past that I was not a part of. Is that wrong? I guess I am having a "social anxiety moment".
    That's perfectly understandable. Would it help you to think of the visit like meeting relatives for the first time?

    Would your husband understand if you told him that you are concerned about feeling out place? Could he help you feel more at ease by maybe showing pictures of her and her parents and telling you more about them?

    I know it won't be easy hearing stories about his first wife, but it could bring you closer together if you share more about his past even if it through stories and memories.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,292, Reputation: 7691
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    #9

    Sep 23, 2010, 07:22 PM

    There is nothing wrong with the invite, and many people in various cultures and backgrounds are always inviting people to stay in their homes, In the past, I felt like my home was a HOLIDAY INN we had so many guests coming and going.

    Some people don't like to stay with people they don't know well. That is just a personal issue. As for as going to visit old friends, it was just a friend, and this is done all the time, to look up old friends you have not seen for years.
    VictoriaS's Avatar
    VictoriaS Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Sep 24, 2010, 05:53 AM

    Thanks for all your help everyone, I will take your advice and go with no more qualms.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,292, Reputation: 7691
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    #11

    Sep 24, 2010, 06:12 AM

    It is like high school reunions ( going on one today) my wife has never meet any of these people, and it will all be about our old high school, and old friends, many passed away now.

    She will know no one, will know nothing about anyone, but she is tagging along because she is my wife and loves me, and of course because I can show her off.
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #12

    Sep 24, 2010, 06:17 AM

    Good luck Victoria---Taking this chance even if your uncomfortable,might lead you a new wonderful lifetime friend.!
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #13

    Sep 24, 2010, 07:17 AM
    I understand your reluctance.

    My husband has female friends, that he has had for eons. He is not allowed to see the ones that are single, the ones that have had affairs, or the ones that are passing through town and are at the MeetMeForAQuickie Motel. Yes, I said, not allowed. :p

    He is close to two women, who are happily married (use creative listening skills to determine that), and in his travels, he will sometimes stop to have dinner with them, and spend the odd night. I don't have a problem with it.

    I stopped meeting up with him and his friends, because I was bored to tears, had nothing in common with them, and got tired of nodding my head, and laughing at their jokes and stories of 30+ years ago.

    I stopped going, and nobody noticed.

    If you trust him, as it sounds as though you should, to visit with old friends (particularly old friends who are married), and it makes you uncomfortable, just don't go. Better to stay home and do something else, than be a party pooper, or otherwise rain on their get together.

    I would however, make an effort, to have them to your home now and then, for a dinner, or a weekend, but would have activities planned like a concert or a day at a fall fair, something like that that is inclusive to all.

    He should not feel that you are insecure, or unwilling to compromise in some way, or that you need special treatment or consideration, just to visit with his friend. This can, and should work for both of you.

    Personally, it has worked well for me for my husband to do his thing, and when his friend and her husband are coming here, I enjoy their company, but in a different way.

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